forever unanswered questions

I didn't think it would be this hard to say goodbye to my cousin when she moves away in 3 days. I think the hardest part is that she is 21 and moving out on her own in a new town far away from her parents and has direction in her life and here I am 27 and still at home. It fucking sucks. Why can't I be like her and not care about anyone elses feelings? Why can't I move and leave people behind? Why do I have to carry this burden? Do I bring it on myself? Will I ever have the balls to leave my sister behind? Sometimes I wonder if I will always be trapped living with her. Am I doomed to live like I'm married to her. Why can't she see there is more to life then what she has at this moment? Does she really expect to stay here forever safe in mommy's arms? Am I ready to sever ties with her and upset her when I leave? It will be so fucking awkward and I don't know if I'm ready for that. I hate awkward. I hate the feeling of the spotlight on me. I don't think I can handle it. I don't think I can handle packing and her watching. I don't think I can handle going to look for a car and her sit here doing nothing. But why is that my fucking burden to carry? Why should I feel like it's my fault that she stays here with no fucking life? She is a full grown adult and is able to do whatever she wants, the problem is, she won't do anything! I am so frustrated and no one understands me. No one understands what I'm going through or why I should feel the things I feel, and it sucks and it's so lonely and scary. My heart races a lot and I feel panicky when I start thinking of our ages and where we are at in our lives and I don't see any progress on her part to change this...which makes me feel like I can't move on without her because we have literally been conjoined twins for my entire life. I'm so fucking lonely. I have nobody in my life who understands me. None of my 'friends' that I have made online ever talk to me anymore. And sadly, they are the only ones who I can actually talk to and be completely open with. I'm just so lonely.

And I know most people would say “you should change the things you don't like about your situation” but it's NOT that easy, if it was that easy, I would change it right this second. It's like my sister has no cares about her future...and WHY does she feel that way? WHY doesn't she want to move out on her own? WHY is she so scared? WHY can't we talk like normal sisters and be excited for each others futures and be able to shop for our own apartments together? Why can't we just be normal and not so conjoined? Why can't I just leave without feeling this guilt? Why do I have to care so much? Why is my heart racing so fast right now that it almost hurts? Why do I have to feel so damn lonely and scared?

close my eyes and leap

I have come to realize that once you get comfortable and content with where you are in life, in a relationship, in a job, that is when the change happens. That is when something BIG happens in your life. That's when you get a promotion, your boyfriend proposes, etc. So, I have decided to just be content with where I am in my life right now. I can't change anything overnight so I guess I just need to surrender.....and hope that by surrendering, things will change in my life. I know logically I won't be stuck here forever so eventually something has to change, and that is what I have been holding onto. Surrendering is hard, it's hard to just let go and give in. It's hard to wait for the change. I tend to be a very impatient person, but I am going to work on just letting go and giving in and getting excited to see the change happen.

releasing my grip
surrendering all
exhaling deep
preparing for the fall

falling into my life
falling into my own
falling into happiness
falling away from being alone

I can see it coming
it's just within my grasp
coming closer and closer
I begin to gasp

I'm losing my breath
my chest is getting tight
my body begins to shake
the harder I have to fight

fight my insecurities
fight my fear
fight for separation
fight to not disappear

I will conquer my scared self
I won't have to continue to weep
I am ready for my next chapter
I am ready to close my eyes and leap


Song that goes with this post: Defying Gravity

my awesome wedding

Most girls wait their entire life for their wedding. They have the dress picked out they want. They have the color theme. Who their bridesmaids and maid of honor will be. They have the seating picked out. They have the flavor cake they want. The honeymoon location. They even have the ring picked out they want. All they wait for is the guy to ask them to marry them. It's all very rigid and predictable and not at all romantic.

THIS IS NOT ME!

My wedding is going to be so different! First of all I don't want a diamond engagement ring/wedding ring. I hate diamonds and I hate “girly” rings, I think they are ugly and very cookie cutter and not unique. Instead, I want a tattoo on my wedding finger. Not of his name, but of a pretty ring. One that is permanent. One that will never come off. Because my love with my husband will be forever and having a permanent ring won't jinx me or my love like some people say. Here's what I would do, we would both get the tattoo separately then when it's time to put the rings on each others fingers during the ceremony we would take off the rings that would be concealing our tattoos and that would be the first time that we would see the others tattoo ring. So it would still be special and a surprise to each of us.

I don't want a huge wedding. Instead I want to either go to Las Vegas and have a wedding/honeymoon all in one OR go to the justice of the peace and sign the papers then go somewhere great for our honeymoon. We wouldn't wear some dumb ugly dress and suit, instead we would wear what each of us wanted. Even if it's jeans and a t-shirt that would be just fine. Because in the end it's not about the dress, it's about the love inside your heart.

I want my wedding to be intimate, because this is a very intimate moment between a man and woman. So I don't want a bunch of eyes watching such an intimate moment between me and my husband. I don't want people throwing rice at me. I don't want the typical cut the cake and twist your arms together and drink the champagne and I don't want the awkward first dance. It's all just dumb to me. It would be so much more romantic to just have a quiet, intimate ceremony just the two of us.

Our wedding would only last the length of a song. But not just any song, it would be our song. The song that means something to us both, whatever song that will turn out to be. I don't want a big long drawn out ceremony with lots of traditional crap, the length of a song should be perfect for vows and that magical first kiss as husband and wife....well we may need another song for the kiss because I want out first kiss as husband and wife to be AMAZING, not just a little peck.

Immediately following the ceremony we will go back to the hotel or our house (depending on where we actually get married at, Vegas or home) and make love as husband and wife. I won't want to waste one second longer than we have to to consummate our beautiful undying love for each other. Because in his arms is where I will belong. And in my arms is where he will belong. And by immediately showing our love for one another seals in our vows and our love for eternity. Because our love will be for eternity.

I don't see the point in wasting thousands of dollars on basically a dumb party when I could spend that money on either a honeymoon or a house or something for the two of us like a new bed or something. I can't wait for my wedding because it will be something special and unique that only the two of us will experience together.

Song that goes with this post: I Wanna Grow Old With You

want

In 5 years I want to feel settled. That doesn't necessarily mean married, it just means that whatever I am doing, wherever I am, I just want to feel settled. In 5 years I will be 32 years old so I definitely want to be out on my own and in my own house/apartment. I want a good stable job. I want to have a vision for my future.

In 5 years I would love to have someone in my life that I could call my very own. I have so much love to give and it saddens me when it's just sitting inside me stagnant.

In 5 years I want to have met up with “E” a few more times. In fact I would like to make October 10th and 11th the days that we meet up kinda like to mark the anniversary of our first meeting. I'm sure that won't be able to happen, but it's at least fun to think about and hope for.

In 5 years I want to be smaller. I want to be a healthier weight and in better shape. I'm not wanting to be a stick figure, because to me that is just not sexy. But I would definitely like to be smaller.

In 5 years I want to be happy. I want to wake up every morning excited for the day ahead of me and I want to go to bed feeling satisfied. I'm so tired of being sad all the time, and in 5 years I just want to wake up happy.

In 5 years I want to have my OWN life.....no.....let me rephrase.....in 5 years I WILL have my own life. Hell, in 1 year I WILL have my own life. If I can't dream about it and imagine it then I won't have any drive to make it happen.

And most importantly, I just want to feel like I belong. I just want to live.

my choice

Ever since I was 12 years old I have been taking care of children pretty much non stop. My life has been filled with teaching kids and nurturing them and loving them as if they were my own. I haven't babysat a child since last March and it feels good to not have that responsibility anymore. Not have to hear crying and whining. Not having to wipe snotty noses and dirty butts. Not having to deal with the tantrums and hissy fits. It has been nice to not have to be quiet for the afternoon during their nap times. I am thankful that I had those experiences because now I don't have to ruin my own kids by having them and realizing this is not what I want. Because when you have your own kids you don't get to walk away from them, you are stuck there for life, like it or not.

I love kids, they are a lot of fun. I love buying fun toys and cute clothes for other peoples kids. They say some of the funniest and wittiest things sometimes. Their innocence is fun to be around. I enjoyed watching the kids we did have. But I don't want any of my own. And I especially have NO desire to give birth to my own. Someday down the line IF I do want kids I would absolutely foster a child or adopt. But it wouldn't be a baby it would be an older child, like over the age of 7 or 8 or older.

I enjoy my life without kids in it. I enjoy being able to go where I want when I want without having to wrestle with a child to get their shoes and jackets on. I enjoy my t.v. being Dora the Explorer FREE!

Another more serious reason why I will never give birth to my own child is because I am afraid of pregnancy and childbirth. Not the pain, but the fear of dying during it. My mom had a lot of problems having my sister and they both almost died. I also have PCOS (which I will discuss in an upcoming blog,) just like my mom did, which causes infertility so it probably wouldn't even be possible for me to get pregnant and I would NEVER go through fertility treatments. I don't want to end up with triplets or more! And I also don't want to put my body through that craziness. Plus, I feel like when someone goes through fertility treatments their labor doesn't progress the way it does when someone doesn't go through treatments. It's almost like for whatever reason their bodies just aren't made for pregnancy and it shouldn't be messed with. So I am saving myself all the stress and sadness and just not going to do it. And I couldn't be happier. But at the same time my heart goes out to all the women who have fertility problems and who desperately try to have a baby and feel like their lives won't be fulfilled until they give birth. That must be so frustrating to have your body fail you time and time again.

I see moms/dads out at the store and they look so miserable and unhappy, now I'm not saying that ALL moms/dads feel this way, but the majority of them that I've seen do. And that just doesn't look like fun to me. Sleepless nights, waking up early, the strain on your marriage, it just sounds like a truly miserable life. I mean sure there are good things that come from parenting, but nothing that looks appealing to me.

I have waited so long to share my life with someone and once I find that person I want to focus ALL my attention on only them. I am glad that I know what I want in this life. I am proud that I can speak up and be confident in my choice of not having a baby. I am glad that I don't have to have a child then be miserable and realize this is not what I want and be trapped, because that is not fair to the child. I am excited when I think of my future with my mate. I am excited to experience new things and be able to live a fantastic and fun child free adult life.

i just want to be Jen Linley

When I watch t.v. shows I always look at all the characters and try to imagine which one I would be if that was my life. Like on Dawson’s Creek I would have been Joey Potter (the good girl of the show). In every teen drama series there is always the good girl, bad girl, good guy and bad guy. Jen Linley was the bad girl on Dawson’s Creek. She’s the one who had sex on her parents bed. She got drunk. She had sex with different people. She tried drugs. She was nowhere near perfect. Joey Potter was the one who took care of her pregnant teen sister. She helped take care of the baby when it was born. She was a virgin. She never did anything wrong. Ever.

In my personal life I have never done anything “bad.” I have been drunk once in my life, but it wasn’t worth it. I was 16 years old and was alone at my Nanny’s house (she was in bed) and I got drunk on wine. I didn’t mean to, but it just happened. But that was my one and only time that I ever did anything “wrong”.

I wish I had a more dirty past. I wish I had some dust on me. Some dirt. Some rust here and there. But I don’t. I don’t have any life experience in doing things a little risky like most people do. I’m so tired of being Joey Potter. I’m so tired of being the good girl. I’m so tired of always being put together. For once in my life, just once I want to be Jen Linley. For just once I don’t want to be put together. I want to do something that will get me dirty. That will make me be not so “perfect”…..but, I have no way to get dirty. I have nobody to get dirty with. And I’m not just talking about sex, although that is something that I want to do so desperately. I just want to do something wrong. And that may sound silly to most people that read this, but nobody understands what it feels like to be so perfect. When my mom talks about my teen years to other people she always says how perfect I was. How I never did anything wrong. How I wasn’t the normal teen. And all I want to do when she says those things is run screaming because I’m so tired of being perfect. I’m tired of being the girl that stayed home 9 years past the normal time of when you typically leave the house to help her dying grandmother. I’m tired of being the girl that’s a virgin at 26 years old. I’m tired of being the girl that is still living at home. I’m so tired of being perfect. I’m tired of this “good girl” label. In every teen drama series the “good girl” ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS has her moment of naughtiness. Her moment of imperfectness. Her moment to do her bad thing. And my moment is just waiting on me to fulfill it. I will get my moment.

Lately I have been watching “Queer As Folk” episodes on youtube and find myself very jealous of Brian Kinney. I mean yes his lifestyle is definitely EXTREME. But the freedom he has. The way he can enter a club and have anyone he wants without anyone telling him he can’t. Without the weight of letting people down. Without his family conjoined to his hip and holding him back. I love the way he doesn’t give a crap about who he hurts. For just once in my life I want to not care what people think of me. I want to not care that I’m going to let my family down. I want to not give a crap about anyone but myself.

I always write these blogs about my inner thoughts and wants and needs and desires, yet I can never seem to write about what I really want to write about. I want to write about things I’m doing in my life that’s exciting. I want to write about my friends that I meet. Things that I do. And I guess the only thing that gives me hope that one day I will be writing about that stuff is that I am finally going through this Doula class that I have been wanting to do for a long time. So as long as I can hold on to that and know better days are coming, I can get through one more day of loneliness. One more day of being “perfect.” One more day of being Joey Potter. And one more day closer to Jen Linley.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muSGWDb4m_0

before life runs out

It’s times like these that I’m so glad I documented my feelings and emotions while nanny was still alive. Because I can look back and see my fears, hopes and dreams and it gives me that extra boost to get my ass together and make my dreams come to life before life runs out. These few entries are what really make me wake up…….

“I don't have any plans for after she passes, I don't know what I will do or where I will go. I know I want to go, but I don't know how I will get there.

When she does pass I know I will want to get out and finally for once live life and feel life. I want to try things and experience things that I could never tell my family. But I am afraid to leave my sister behind. But I know one day we will HAVE to grow up...i'm just not sure if she can.

I HATE my life right now, I hate how everyone around me is doing fun things and living life and I am sitting by watching it pass me. Life is so short and I want to make the best out of this life, but I can't right now and it SUCKS!

I envy people my age who actually have a life. I envy people who can have boyfriends and girlfriends and go out and experience things and have sex and enjoy life. I want to enjoy life too damn it!”

This opens my eyes and shows me that I AM free now. I’m not trapped here anymore. I can go and do whatever I want. I’m NOT going to be trapped by feeling guilty for leaving “C” behind. I can feel the determination I had when I wrote this. I can feel that I really wanted so much more out of life.

“I can't have my own private life because I am always here. My sister and I are like siamese twins and I feel like I can't separate myself from her. I am scared that once nanny passes away that I will be afraid to move on and do what I want because I will feel like I am leaving her behind.”

Oh how true these words turned out to be. It’s scary how spot on I was.

“Once my time here is done with nanny I am going to leave and explore and experiment with different things. Until then...I can only dream.”

To see how determined I was makes me want to make my dreams come true that much more. These words have really opened my eyes and have given me that extra push to tell my family what I want to do. I am going to do this. I am going to tell them. I am going to make my dreams come true. I will be truly happy for the first time in 9 years. I want to wake up with a bounce in my step. I want to dance through life not just walk. I want to look at my reflection in the mirror and see someone who I can be proud of. I will live each moment to the fullest. I will lay my head down on my pillow every night and be proud of what I have accomplished. I AM going to do this.

Six

Six people that I want to say things to.

1. You are a worthless human being and a lousy father. The day I screamed “fuck you” in your face (three times in a row) and gave you the finger was the best day ever. To say that to your face was a release of anger, frustration and hatred that I had built up for you. I’m glad you’re out of our life. I just feel bad that your kids and soon-to-be ex-wife still have to put up with your bullshit. I have forgiven you (because it’s the right thing to do) but I never want to see you or speak to you again. Good riddens to BAD rubbish!

2. There’s so much I want to say to you, yet don’t know where to even begin. I love you….but in the same breath you drive me crazy at times…..a lot of the times. I wish you would have the desire to do more with your life than what you are doing. I can’t stand how you put more value and thought into writing a fucking fiction story than you do getting your life started. Writing that story is not going to allow you to meet a potential mate/friends. Why can’t you have the desire to grow up!? Sometimes I just want to scream because I’m afraid you’re going to be the one to hold me back because I will feel guilt. But I have to let go of that guilt somehow and show you that I AM changing. I haven’t written in the fiction story in over a week because I’M CHANGING! I am growing. I am spreading my tightly wrapped wings. I want my own life away from you.

3. I wish I could say I don’t have any regrets from anything that has happened with you, but that would be a lie. I wish I knew what was the last thing you remember about me? Was it the time I sassed you because you were frustrating me with how you constantly were going through our bathroom drawers and moving things around? Or was it the time that I slammed my glass down on the kitchen table (splashing my drink all the way to the wall) because you wouldn’t eat and made mom get so mad that she screamed (which was also the first and only time I ever heard my dad say fuck) Or was it one of the countless meals I fed you? I love you and miss the Tuesday nights I used to spend with you.

4. Oh how I miss you. The day you died a part of each of us died along with you. I miss your infectious laugh, your flat top hair. I miss the way you used to “tweak” my nose every time before bed. I miss everything about you. I wish I would have told you more that I loved you. I wish I would have given you more hugs. I miss our Friday night card games.

5. I lay in bed nightly and think about you. I have dreams about you and I even have fantasies about you. You have me captivated and I stand in awe of you. I dream of your arms wrapping around me and holding me tight. I imagine your lips against mine. I imagine your body laying next to me. I dream about the day I get to look into your eyes and tell you all that you mean to me. When I think that I could be just 4 short months away from seeing you, like for real, I get butterflies and tingles deep down in my stomach.

6. It’s ok to be scared. It’s ok to have apprehensions about the future. But, you HAVE to find your own voice and make your own path. If you let anyone take your dreams away or make them seem unattainable then you only got yourself to blame for losing them. Don’t be held back by guilt because if you do then you will end up a 30 year old woman STILL at home! Do you want that? NO! So for the first time in your FUCKING life think about yourself and make our dreams come true. Who knows, maybe you will inspire someone else to get their own life as well?

This moment is all there is

Will there be tomorrow
Tell me how can you be sure
There ain't always next season
There ain't always an open door

Life is dear, don't you waste it
The future no one can see
So step aside and let it be
Tomorrow may wash away
Don't put off what you do today
Take advantage while you are here
'Cause this moment is all there is

Do you smell the flowers
While they are still here in bloom
Does there have to be a reason
If you don't think we'll be gone real soon

Life is here can you taste it
The future no one can see
So step aside and let it be
Tomorrow may wash away
Don't put off what you do today
Take advantage while you are here
'Cause this moment is all there is

Don't live in fear and weakness
Don't live and hide it all, does your
Your ability to taste the sweetness, sweetness
And that is what we are here for

Life is real, don't you fake it
Oh the future no one can see
So step aside and let it be
Tomorrow may wash away
Don't put off what you do today
Take advantage while you are here
'Cause this moment is all there is, there is

This moment
The future no one can see
So step aside and just let it be
Don't wait for tomorrow