this fragile life

Every time someone I know dies it shakes me up. It wakes me up. It reminds me just how fragile this life really is. Richard made many, MANY mistakes in his life, especially the past 2 years when he tore his family up and began living with the girl who he was having an affair with who had 4 kids of her own. Everyday that he would come here to pick up Corban I would get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach for having to look into his eyes that were filled with a darkness. When I heard the news that Richard died this morning my first thought was what my last words to him were. On March 12th (after MONTHS of crap that he put us through and his family through) I screamed at Richard “FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!” and slammed the door in his face as I gave him the finger. Just two and a half weeks ago we saw him at Wal-Mart not knowing that in three weeks he wouldn’t be here any longer. He was in his early 30s and had been complaining from a headache for the past couple weeks, and now he’s gone. It really makes me think about my own life and how I really want to get the most of out of, because we never know when that’s going to be us. We never know when out of nowhere we get hit by a car or we just drop dead.

It’s so weird to see the progression of his life. Was he destined to die young? I mean there were countless times that he should have died when he was a teen and in his 20s, but somehow he escaped death. Is there a quota of how many times you can cheat death before death wins? If that’s true then I may be getting close to my quota. When Richard would be making meth he could have blown up multiple times, but somehow he made it out alive and in once piece. This Preacher’s kid took the wrong path for a while but eventually he got married and had 2 kids and became the youth Pastor at is dad’s church. When their son was 12 and daughter 9 they found out there were going to have a “surprise” baby. During her pregnancy he began having an affair and from then until the day he died his life kept going further and further down.

It’s not surprising that he died. I mean it is and it isn’t. I knew eventually something was going to happen to him or to one of his kids in order to wake him up and make him start doing the right thing. I just didn’t know it would end in death.

If anyone reads this blog all I ask is that you don’t put off tomorrow what you can do today. Don’t take this life for granted because you never know when you won’t be here to enjoy this life. Hug your family and show them how much they mean to you because you never know when you won’t be here to hug them, or when they won’t be here to hug you.

here one day....gone one night

“In the arms of an Angel fly away from here
From this dark, cold hospital room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here”
-Sarah McLachlan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
only six years old and has been battling cancer for almost a year
little Danny lost his fight to this hideous disease last night 6.30.10
but what gives me peace is knowing that he is no longer in pain
no longer has to sleep in a cold hospital room
no longer has to be away from his little brother
Danny is forever safe in God’s arms
and will remain there until he is reunited with his family one day
I never got to meet Danny
but I do know another child with the same type of cancer
and it’s just so utterly unfair that ANY child has to go through this
little Alexis is almost 4 years old
and shouldn’t be going through chemotherapy
she should be running and living a happy little girls life
she should be dreaming of fairies and Santa Claus
not needles and a giant hospital building
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



“Like A Comet
Blazing 'Cross The Evening Sky
Gone Too Soon

Like A Rainbow
Fading In The Twinkling Of An Eye
Gone Too Soon

Shiny And Sparkly
And Splendidly Bright
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like The Loss Of Sunlight
On A Cloudy Afternoon
Gone Too Soon

Like A Castle
Built Upon A Sandy Beach
Gone Too Soon

Like A Perfect Flower
That Is Just Beyond Your Reach
Gone Too Soon

Born To Amuse, To Inspire, To Delight
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like A Sunset
Dying With The Rising Of The Moon
Gone Too Soon

Gone Too Soon”
-Michael Jackson

11.30.09

11.30.09
3:55 am

everything changed today
it's the ending
and beginning
death and life
breathe in breathe out
i will be ok
we will be ok
things will change
lives will grow
tears will come
but that's ok
the end of her life
was a terrible one
watching her suffer
was unimaginable
she's reunited with papa
for eternity
thousands of bites fed
nine years of my life lost
but in the end
it was worth it
I wouldn't change it if I could