I didn't think it would be this hard to say goodbye to my cousin when she moves away in 3 days. I think the hardest part is that she is 21 and moving out on her own in a new town far away from her parents and has direction in her life and here I am 27 and still at home. It fucking sucks. Why can't I be like her and not care about anyone elses feelings? Why can't I move and leave people behind? Why do I have to carry this burden? Do I bring it on myself? Will I ever have the balls to leave my sister behind? Sometimes I wonder if I will always be trapped living with her. Am I doomed to live like I'm married to her. Why can't she see there is more to life then what she has at this moment? Does she really expect to stay here forever safe in mommy's arms? Am I ready to sever ties with her and upset her when I leave? It will be so fucking awkward and I don't know if I'm ready for that. I hate awkward. I hate the feeling of the spotlight on me. I don't think I can handle it. I don't think I can handle packing and her watching. I don't think I can handle going to look for a car and her sit here doing nothing. But why is that my fucking burden to carry? Why should I feel like it's my fault that she stays here with no fucking life? She is a full grown adult and is able to do whatever she wants, the problem is, she won't do anything! I am so frustrated and no one understands me. No one understands what I'm going through or why I should feel the things I feel, and it sucks and it's so lonely and scary. My heart races a lot and I feel panicky when I start thinking of our ages and where we are at in our lives and I don't see any progress on her part to change this...which makes me feel like I can't move on without her because we have literally been conjoined twins for my entire life. I'm so fucking lonely. I have nobody in my life who understands me. None of my 'friends' that I have made online ever talk to me anymore. And sadly, they are the only ones who I can actually talk to and be completely open with. I'm just so lonely.
And I know most people would say “you should change the things you don't like about your situation” but it's NOT that easy, if it was that easy, I would change it right this second. It's like my sister has no cares about her future...and WHY does she feel that way? WHY doesn't she want to move out on her own? WHY is she so scared? WHY can't we talk like normal sisters and be excited for each others futures and be able to shop for our own apartments together? Why can't we just be normal and not so conjoined? Why can't I just leave without feeling this guilt? Why do I have to care so much? Why is my heart racing so fast right now that it almost hurts? Why do I have to feel so damn lonely and scared?
