the many maybes

Today was a very low day for me. While at work I literally had to fight back tears and I still can’t fully put my finger on why I wanted to cry. Maybe it’s my deep inner fear of “C” getting upset with me and being hurt by my leaving her behind. Maybe it’s my fear of failing. Scared of not being good enough. Scared of driving all the way to St. Louis all by myself. Scared of getting lost. Or maybe I’ve been trapped in these four walls for so long that venturing out into the “real world” scares me and makes me feel insecure. Or maybe, just maybe, I’m scared of what else is going to happen while in St. Louis. My plans to see him for the first time. To see his face. Touch his hands. Look into his eyes and finally be able to tell him what’s really in my heart. For him to be able to see the real me…the me that might not be anything that he is expecting. That could possibly be one of the keys to my nerves….yet the prospect of finally being able to wrap my arms around him makes me so happy and excited that I can hardly contain myself, however, I can’t share my feelings about him with my family because they wouldn’t understand.

While in the shower this afternoon I cried. I let it all out, and yet I still didn’t feel better. I think I feel so low today is August 6th is coming extremely fast, which is the day that our job will be done, and I’m not ready to go back to doing nothing here at home. I like having a job, a place to go, a place to be around other people besides my family, plus getting paid is also a perk. Yet, I HAVE to break away from “C” and if I want to get another job then by God I should be able to get one without feeling guilt. I have to shake this guilt. I have to grow a set of balls and just fucking break free. I have to look out for #1 and it has to start today. The next time “C” gets mad at me for not writing in our fiction story I’m going to finally email her the letter I have written and not look back. I mean time is precious and I’m tired of wasting my life away.

MY

I don’t want to come into my own life by making “C” mad at me. I don’t want her to hate me. But, I can tell that I have changed from the girl who would HAVE to escape from my life through writing a fiction story, to the girl who now spends most of her night on youtube looking up labor/birth videos. It’s scary, yet refreshing to know that soon MY life will begin. I like the sound of that, MY life. It’s MY life. MY life. MY MY MY life. That sounds so good and I can’t wait to get MY life started. I can’t wait to see MY life grow. I can’t wait to be happy with MY life. It’s MY life for the first time in my life.

I can tell that I’m changing by the way it doesn’t affect me when “C” gets mad at me like it used to. Before when she would get mad I would cater to her and BEG her to be ok and I would talk to her for HOURS on end to make her happy….but lately, I just don’t give two shits. I don’t care if she doesn’t watch Glee because she’s mad at me because I don’t want to read that fucking fake fiction story that we are writing together with a friend. I don’t care if she lays in bed all night long dwelling over it. It’s time she gets faced with the real world and sees the way she behaves is like a 7 year old who doesn’t get her way. I don’t care if she’s afraid to grow up, because I’M NOT AFRAID! I don’t care anymore. I just don’t care. I can’t live my life for her anymore. I can’t put her first before MY needs. Because if I do, ONLY I will lose.

Tonight she totally didn’t hear me when I told her that real life is more important than that damn fiction story. She just looked at me and said “what does that mean?” Ummm I think it’s pretty clear that REAL life is MORE important than a fiction story! I seriously wanted to scream it at her that I am growing up, but like always, I chickened out. *sigh* But I think the next time she brings up the fiction story I’m just going to tell her that I’m spreading my wings and outgrowing the story. I want to create my own story. I want to be in MY story. I want to live MY story. And I really don’t care if I piss her off, because like I have said a million times….I’M NOT LIVING MY LIFE FOR HER!

Last week my mom sister and I started a job working with the summer lunch program for children and I LOVE it. The job is rough and not “picture perfect” but just getting out of the house and being around people feels so good and refreshing. But….like ALWAYS “C” has to shit on it DAILY! I swear the girl has deep mental issues. We work 7am-12pm and when the clock strikes 12 she wants OUT ASAP! We are literally trying to finish putting things away and she has her purse ready to go. Mom gets so mad at her, but “C” NEVER changes. “C” tries to bring me down with her by talking negatively about the job, but I just ignore her and don’t answer. She says the job is just “too much” it’s “too loud” it’s “too much noise” which makes my blood boil. If she doesn’t get a handle on her issues she’s going to end up being a fucking hermit!!!

We have a big family reunion coming up on June 19th with a few family members coming to stay at our house….and guess who is dreading it? Yup you guessed it “C” *rolls eyes* She actually said she won’t go to the reunion because she will be bored and it will be “just too much.” ALL of our family will be there and she just doesn’t want to go. I seriously just want to smack her sometimes. Mom said that the family members who are going to be staying with us want to go back to where they used to live and see it just to reminisce and what not, and “C” said that she doesn’t want to go. She said “that’s not my thing, I just don’t want to go.” But no matter what I’m going to do what I want, if I want to go with them I will. She and I are NOT Siamese twins, even though at times it feels like it *rolls eyes* I think by doing my own thing when they come will show “C” that I’m moving away from her and growing my OWN wings for the first time in 26 years. I think it will surprise her by my doing this, but I want to be around people. I’m not afraid like she is. I need to get out of the house and spread my wings.

“I can’t stand by your side
and watch this life pass me by
so unhappy, but safe as it could be”

Dear Lacy

(I saw someone else do this and I thought it was beautiful and really makes you see who’s on your side….YOU. It’s beautiful to say these things to yourself and hear the way you really feel about yourself. I suggest that everyone does this. It’s eye opening. I said things that I didn’t even realize I felt. I will definitely be doing this again!)

Dear Lacy,

Even though you have lost out on a huge part of your life, it doesn’t mean you can’t start today and create a new beginning. Each day is a gift, that’s why they call it the present. So grab ahold of it and enjoy every second. The past 9 years wasn’t for nothing, it taught you to have compassion beyond your control, and taught you how to care for someone else. It taught you that you CAN clean up puke, even though you thought you couldn’t. It taught you to wipe a grown adults butt, even when you felt embarrassed, because after a while, the embarrassment went away and it was just part of your everyday life. The strength you possessed during those 9 years is something that nothing else in the word could have given you or taught you.

I am so proud of you for seeing it through, even though you wanted to give up a few times. I remember the nights that you would cry yourself to sleep, or the times that you would have just awful feedings and feel like you wanted to pull your hair out….but you found a beautiful inner strength that allowed you to dust yourself off and continue with that journey with a beautiful spirit.

But now it’s time to look forward and focus on your future and what makes YOU happy. Don’t be held back by “C” and don’t think you CAN’T when clearly you CAN. DON’T let her keep you in the rut that you so desperately want out of. DON’T lose out on your life just because she’s got issues with change/growth/meeting new people/leaving the house….the list goes on and on and on and on. If you get the opportunity to meet people or get asked out by a new friend or even Katie, to go to the movies, dinner etc. then by God GO! Don’t be controlled by “C” you deserve to have a life. You are 26 years old and it’s time you start your life.

The strength you got from helping with Nanny is the strength you are going to use throughout your life. In those times that you get scared or are afraid of failure, remember the day that you held Nanny in the car when she was having those seizures while mom was driving to the hospital. That gave you such a strength that even you don’t realize it gave you.

And when all else fails, just BREATHE! You will be ok. You just need to find your passion and what makes you happy. And you need to get out more and meet people. You have been cooped up for long enough, and now it’s time my little cocoon, to spread those colorful wings and fly like the beautiful butterfly I know you are. I have faith in you to chase your dreams and to make a difference in this world. When you put your mind to something it’s amazing at what kind of things can happen.

In closing, I want you to know that you are beautiful. Even though I know you hate your crooked nose, your chin, your breasts that are different sizes, your acne that doesn’t go away because of your PCOS and your eyebrows. But none of that matters because YOU are beautiful. You have a heart of gold that would truly do anything for anyone...including giving Natalie’s family $500.00 for Christmas two years in a row.

Always know I love you and I only want to best for you, and I’m right beside you cheering you on!

Sincerely,
-Lacy

held back

nine years of being closed off from the world
and now it’s time to spread my wings
create my own life
find my true happiness
I thought it would be easy
to start my life
but it’s more of a struggle
then what I even know

I ask myself “why” all the time
why am I scared?
why am I holding back?
why am I purposely not finding my joy?
and I think it’s because of “C”
it pisses me off that she’s holding me back
I don’t know why I don’t want to
move on without her
it shouldn’t be my problem
yet I feel like it is
she has problems…that’s very clear
and because of her problems
I’m missing out on MY life

I don’t know how to fix it
I don’t know how to change
I don’t know how to be an individual
I don’t know how she can not care


Wanna scream out
No more hiding
Don’t be afraid of what’s inside
Gonna tell ya you’ll be alright
In the Aftermath
Anytime anybody pulls you down
Anytime anybody says you’re not allowed
Just remember you are not alone
In the Aftermath

Adam Lambert – Aftermath