behind these blue eyes

behind these blue eyes is a pain quite real
hiding beneath this mask that's there to conceal

behind these blue eyes hides years of lost dreams
inside my head was the only place I was able to scream

behind these blue eyes is a scared girl that's lost
nobody seems to care though, I always get tossed

behind theses blue eyes are tears uncried and locked away
even if I had let them out it wouldn't have mattered anyway

behind these blue eyes is a loneliness swallowing me whole
no one understands how it physically hurts deep into my soul

behind these blue eyes is a girl hiding her feelings
no one knows the things in my head, it's much too revealing

behind these blue eyes is an unspoken anger and grief
and I have nowhere to run and no way to find relief

behind these blue eyes is a secret nobody knows
but if you look deep enough you might be able to expose

behind these blue eyes is a girl who's become disconnected
fake smiles and laughs is something I've perfected

behind these blue eyes is hidden insecurities and fears
some days it's so suffocating that I just want to disappear
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is a video I made of this poem with music behind it. Just copy and paste the link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zVTxzpRlN8g

alone and lonely

alone and lonely
here in this room
alone and lonely
nothing but doom

no light to be seen
no sound to be heard
just me by myself
my vision is blurred

tears pour from my eyes
raspy breaths escape my lips
with my body trembling
I finally come to grips

9 years have gone by
my life was suddenly put on hold
I never really got asked
I feel like I was just told

18 months have now gone by
and I'm still in the same place I was
things have to change soon
before something drastic does

I have to stop feeling guilty
I have to find the strength to leave
the youngest one leaves first?
that will be tough for them to receive

eventually she will have to grow up
but what if she's too scared to?
is that my burden to carry?
does it mean I should put my life out of view?

I wish I could have a normal sister
it scares me the things I think and feel
sometimes I just really hate her
I hate how everything with her is always a big ordeal

as each day passes I grow more distant
this quiet good girl is growing wings
I'm breaking free and soon will fly
where I will finally be able to do naughty things

Song that goes with this post: River Flows In You

rage

this built up rage that I have for you is right at the surface
one false word from you and I explode
I can feel it erupting any day now
and when it does that's when I hit the road

I wish I fully understood why I have this rage towards you
maybe it's because you are always over my shoulder
maybe it's because you treat me like I'm still 14 years old
maybe it's time I stand up to you and get just bolder

you need to realize that I'm not a little girl anymore
you can't make my decisions for me or tell me what to do
I need to make my own mistakes I need to live
I need space and I need distances between me and you

I hate that I'm angry all the time
it scares me the things I think and feel
I feel out of control and like I'm always on the edge
I'm tired of being fake I just want to be real

when I leave I know it will put a wedge between us
and deep inside...as sick as it sounds...that's what I need
because that's the only way I will get any separation
because staying here will only cause us both to bleed


Song that goes with this post: Aftermath

close my eyes and leap

I have come to realize that once you get comfortable and content with where you are in life, in a relationship, in a job, that is when the change happens. That is when something BIG happens in your life. That's when you get a promotion, your boyfriend proposes, etc. So, I have decided to just be content with where I am in my life right now. I can't change anything overnight so I guess I just need to surrender.....and hope that by surrendering, things will change in my life. I know logically I won't be stuck here forever so eventually something has to change, and that is what I have been holding onto. Surrendering is hard, it's hard to just let go and give in. It's hard to wait for the change. I tend to be a very impatient person, but I am going to work on just letting go and giving in and getting excited to see the change happen.

releasing my grip
surrendering all
exhaling deep
preparing for the fall

falling into my life
falling into my own
falling into happiness
falling away from being alone

I can see it coming
it's just within my grasp
coming closer and closer
I begin to gasp

I'm losing my breath
my chest is getting tight
my body begins to shake
the harder I have to fight

fight my insecurities
fight my fear
fight for separation
fight to not disappear

I will conquer my scared self
I won't have to continue to weep
I am ready for my next chapter
I am ready to close my eyes and leap


Song that goes with this post: Defying Gravity

porcelain doll

porcelain doll locked in her little glass cage
unable to move, she’s become filled with rage

she tries to escape through a crack in the glass
but the guard quickly comes and knocks her back on her ass

they won’t let her out, they are afraid she will get injured
so they keep her locked up, keep her captured

the porcelain doll finally plans her big escape
she rips off the shackles and bites through the tape

she sees the open road in front of her and her heart swells
no time for goodbyes, no time for farewells

she has her eye on one thing, and that one thing she will achieve
she has to break free, she just has to believe

her dreams are in front of her, freedom she can finally smell
with tears in her eyes “I’M FREE” she happily yells

porcelain doll will come back with a secret she can tell no one
her weekend was spent with a special someone

she wants to grow up, she doesn’t want to be Peter Pan anymore
it’s time she gets out, it’s time for her to explore

puddle of life

slowly stretching my right arm
out of my comfort level

softly dipping my big toe
into the puddle of life

breathing in the fresh air
of something new

opening my eyes to the bright light
that awaits me

pushing aside the fear
to get to the beauty

swallowing the guilt
in order to find the peace

crushing the insecurity
to make my way to happiness

coming out of my shell
to see my future ahead of me

this isn't "just a job"

lost souls and damaged hearts
fear filled eyes and violent lives
left without hugs and kisses
no one there to tuck them in
no bed time stories
no one to say I love you
I want to wrap them in my arms
and save them from themselves

a 21 year old with a life experience of
drug deals
stealing someone’s personal lap top and selling it
violence that I don’t even want to imagine
he rides his bike cycle 30 minutes one way
to get to his community service
which is where we work
the place he calls home
is a place where he gets to share a room
with 28 other men
he doesn’t get to come home
to a home cooked meal every night
to familiar faces that love him unconditionally
he gets jail food
even though he’s not “in” jail
basically he is
they call it a probation house until he gets on his feet
in three months he gets kicked out of his “home”
to only go back to where it all began
you can’t expect someone to permanently change
when they are sent back out to the place
that sent them there to begin with
they are set up for failure
and it’s no ones fault but the system

today my heart melted and tears welled up in my eyes
with two small words from an 8 year old boy
“don’t go” he said looking up with his big brown eyes
he is normally so quiet
from being beat down
and afraid that any wrong move he makes
he will get screamed at
I witnessed it first hand what he has to hear
and it scared the shit out of me

this isn’t “just a job”
it’s giving something to these lost souls
that need a simple hug and smile
it’s not just supplying them with lunches and snacks
it’s supplying them with maybe a dash of colorless love
the kind of a love that doesn’t see what they did in their past
a love they don’t get at home
a love that we all should give
to show true
compassion
sympathy
empathy



"Cause I'm about to
Say goodbye to every single lie
and all the fears I've held too long inside
Everytime I felt I could try
All the negativity I had inside

For too long I've been struggling. I couldn't go on
But now I've found I'm feeling strong and moving on
I believe they can take anything from me
But they can't succeed in taking my inner peace
They can say all they wanna say about me."

Impending Death

Impending Death

Her life is not her own anymore.
She is trapped within her own body.
She can't interact or even cry anymore.
It is torturous.

When I look at her I can't see who she really is to me.
I have to turn off the emotions and just do what needs to be done.
It is too painful and sickening when I try to think of her as my grandma.
It is heartbreaking.

Each day that I live death is all around me.
There is no escaping it there is no running from it.
It's coming even if we don't want it to, it's coming and coming fast.
It is terrifying.

To watch her go through this is the most horrendous thing ever.
The only good thing about this is that she doesn't know what is going on.
But the bad part is we do know what is going on.
It is misery.

She is having trouble swallowing now, all to suddenly.
We all know where this is headed, we just didn't know how soon.
Even though I block off the emotions, I still weep for her.
It is infuriating.