Today was a very low day for me. While at work I literally had to fight back tears and I still can’t fully put my finger on why I wanted to cry. Maybe it’s my deep inner fear of “C” getting upset with me and being hurt by my leaving her behind. Maybe it’s my fear of failing. Scared of not being good enough. Scared of driving all the way to St. Louis all by myself. Scared of getting lost. Or maybe I’ve been trapped in these four walls for so long that venturing out into the “real world” scares me and makes me feel insecure. Or maybe, just maybe, I’m scared of what else is going to happen while in St. Louis. My plans to see him for the first time. To see his face. Touch his hands. Look into his eyes and finally be able to tell him what’s really in my heart. For him to be able to see the real me…the me that might not be anything that he is expecting. That could possibly be one of the keys to my nerves….yet the prospect of finally being able to wrap my arms around him makes me so happy and excited that I can hardly contain myself, however, I can’t share my feelings about him with my family because they wouldn’t understand.
While in the shower this afternoon I cried. I let it all out, and yet I still didn’t feel better. I think I feel so low today is August 6th is coming extremely fast, which is the day that our job will be done, and I’m not ready to go back to doing nothing here at home. I like having a job, a place to go, a place to be around other people besides my family, plus getting paid is also a perk. Yet, I HAVE to break away from “C” and if I want to get another job then by God I should be able to get one without feeling guilt. I have to shake this guilt. I have to grow a set of balls and just fucking break free. I have to look out for #1 and it has to start today. The next time “C” gets mad at me for not writing in our fiction story I’m going to finally email her the letter I have written and not look back. I mean time is precious and I’m tired of wasting my life away.
Showing posts with label dream. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dream. Show all posts
7.13.2010
9.25.2009
My first kiss
I remember my first kiss like it was yesterday. Although my first kiss wasn't like others girls first kisses.
I guess I was about 11 years old and our next door neighbors were our best friends. There was a boy a year younger then me and a girl that was my sisters age (2 years older then me). Even our parents were friends. So we were all 8 together ALOT.
One afternoon my sister and I were over at their house on their back porch playing and somehow (I don't fully remember how) me and the girl who was my sisters age got underneath this jacket and we kissed. I remember that her lips were kinda dry, but I also remember the feeling I got deep inside of my stomach. I had such butterflies it was unreal. I remember it being my idea to kiss and she was reluctant at first, but then agreed. After we kissed we came out from under the jacket giggling then went back under it for a few more kisses. My sister was there and kept a look out.
I think it was then that I felt something was different with me.
One day me, my sister and the girl were in her bedroom playing and I was the "husband" and I was going to do the "husband" thing and lay on top of her (to act like we were making love.) I remember wanting more then anything to just kiss her again. But she resisted and I got off. I thought it would be ok since we were just "playing the part". It was then that I knew it wasn't right and we shouldn't be doing that...but I wanted to so badly...so so badly.
About a year after that my sister and I were at our grandparents house for the weekend and we had a friend down the street from us. She lived with her grandma. One day we were over at her house and she and I kissed. OH MY GOD I loved it. I wanted more more MORE! But she stopped.
Ever since then all I can think about is kissing a girl again.
Once my time here is done with nanny I am going to leave and explore and experiment with different things. Until then...I can only dream.
I guess I was about 11 years old and our next door neighbors were our best friends. There was a boy a year younger then me and a girl that was my sisters age (2 years older then me). Even our parents were friends. So we were all 8 together ALOT.
One afternoon my sister and I were over at their house on their back porch playing and somehow (I don't fully remember how) me and the girl who was my sisters age got underneath this jacket and we kissed. I remember that her lips were kinda dry, but I also remember the feeling I got deep inside of my stomach. I had such butterflies it was unreal. I remember it being my idea to kiss and she was reluctant at first, but then agreed. After we kissed we came out from under the jacket giggling then went back under it for a few more kisses. My sister was there and kept a look out.
I think it was then that I felt something was different with me.
One day me, my sister and the girl were in her bedroom playing and I was the "husband" and I was going to do the "husband" thing and lay on top of her (to act like we were making love.) I remember wanting more then anything to just kiss her again. But she resisted and I got off. I thought it would be ok since we were just "playing the part". It was then that I knew it wasn't right and we shouldn't be doing that...but I wanted to so badly...so so badly.
About a year after that my sister and I were at our grandparents house for the weekend and we had a friend down the street from us. She lived with her grandma. One day we were over at her house and she and I kissed. OH MY GOD I loved it. I wanted more more MORE! But she stopped.
Ever since then all I can think about is kissing a girl again.
Once my time here is done with nanny I am going to leave and explore and experiment with different things. Until then...I can only dream.
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