indirect aggression

My sister is my best friend, yet I feel like I can’t talk to her. Something inside of me locks up when she asks me what’s wrong. Today I was in the floor stretching after walking on the treadmill and she came in and asked if I wanted to do abs with her when I get done, I had my iPod on so when I didn’t answer her she left the room, but I heard her and felt just awful for ignoring her. I instantly got tears in my eyes and got up to go shower before she saw my tears. When I came out of the room she asked if I wanted to do weights with her and I said “No I’m going to shower” and quickly got downstairs before she saw my puddled eyes. I think by my being so mean to her that’s my way of showing her my anger I have from feeling like she’s holding me back from my future and that’s why I have been so moody to her and non responsive…but I think it’s all catching up with me now and I hate what I’m doing to her.

While I was in the shower I cried. I cried buckets of tears. My face looked just awful afterwards, red nose, red eyes and the classic “cry face” I had to stay downstairs for a while after that just to get my face to look normal and so that no one would ask if I had been crying….because my mom is like a hawk, if she sees the “cry face” it’s like a radar goes off inside her and she just knows you’ve been crying. I sat in the floor of the shower (like I have done everyday for the past month) and cried so hard. It was clearly audible so I’m glad I was in the basement where I knew no one would hear me. I cried out of frustration. Anger. Confusion. Loneliness. Sadness. Grief. Jealousy. I cried for 20 minutes solid, it was like I couldn’t stop. All my feelings that I keep bottled up just came pouring out and I couldn’t stop it.

I have a “built in” best friend, yet I am pushing her away and being (indirectly) deliberately mean. Every time she says “I miss you” or “I just want you back like you used to be” or “I want you to laugh with me and play with me like we always do” I want to scream at her “I’M TRYING TO GROW UP SO LEAVE ME ALONE” but I don’t. I just turn my head and don’t say a word, I don’t say a fucking word because I’m a coward.

Today my mom said “Are you ok? Because you haven’t said 5 words in the past 2 days” I wanted to say “Because I’m trying to find the right time to tell you what I want to do with my life….but I’m too fucking scared to say it” but I didn’t say a word, I just laughed it off and said “I’m fine” but I’m not fine.

My sister and I watch the reality t.v. show Big Brother. It’s our favorite show and something that we really get into every summer. Well last night the girl who we absolutely HATE on there won Head Of Household (which means she can nominate two people for eviction) well, I got SO MAD that she won and was now going to go after our favorite people. I was furious over a stupid reality show. Like really, REALLY mad. But I wasn’t mad at the show, I wasn’t mad at the girl who won….I was mad at my situation. Mad at what my reality is. Mad that I am having such a hard time telling my family something that I know they would support me in (well at least my mom and dad would) so I released my anger on Rachel (the girl who won Head of Household) when I really wanted to release my anger about “C” and how I feel like she is holding me back…..Isn’t indirect aggression great?!

before life runs out

It’s times like these that I’m so glad I documented my feelings and emotions while nanny was still alive. Because I can look back and see my fears, hopes and dreams and it gives me that extra boost to get my ass together and make my dreams come to life before life runs out. These few entries are what really make me wake up…….

“I don't have any plans for after she passes, I don't know what I will do or where I will go. I know I want to go, but I don't know how I will get there.

When she does pass I know I will want to get out and finally for once live life and feel life. I want to try things and experience things that I could never tell my family. But I am afraid to leave my sister behind. But I know one day we will HAVE to grow up...i'm just not sure if she can.

I HATE my life right now, I hate how everyone around me is doing fun things and living life and I am sitting by watching it pass me. Life is so short and I want to make the best out of this life, but I can't right now and it SUCKS!

I envy people my age who actually have a life. I envy people who can have boyfriends and girlfriends and go out and experience things and have sex and enjoy life. I want to enjoy life too damn it!”

This opens my eyes and shows me that I AM free now. I’m not trapped here anymore. I can go and do whatever I want. I’m NOT going to be trapped by feeling guilty for leaving “C” behind. I can feel the determination I had when I wrote this. I can feel that I really wanted so much more out of life.

“I can't have my own private life because I am always here. My sister and I are like siamese twins and I feel like I can't separate myself from her. I am scared that once nanny passes away that I will be afraid to move on and do what I want because I will feel like I am leaving her behind.”

Oh how true these words turned out to be. It’s scary how spot on I was.

“Once my time here is done with nanny I am going to leave and explore and experiment with different things. Until then...I can only dream.”

To see how determined I was makes me want to make my dreams come true that much more. These words have really opened my eyes and have given me that extra push to tell my family what I want to do. I am going to do this. I am going to tell them. I am going to make my dreams come true. I will be truly happy for the first time in 9 years. I want to wake up with a bounce in my step. I want to dance through life not just walk. I want to look at my reflection in the mirror and see someone who I can be proud of. I will live each moment to the fullest. I will lay my head down on my pillow every night and be proud of what I have accomplished. I AM going to do this.

the many maybes

Today was a very low day for me. While at work I literally had to fight back tears and I still can’t fully put my finger on why I wanted to cry. Maybe it’s my deep inner fear of “C” getting upset with me and being hurt by my leaving her behind. Maybe it’s my fear of failing. Scared of not being good enough. Scared of driving all the way to St. Louis all by myself. Scared of getting lost. Or maybe I’ve been trapped in these four walls for so long that venturing out into the “real world” scares me and makes me feel insecure. Or maybe, just maybe, I’m scared of what else is going to happen while in St. Louis. My plans to see him for the first time. To see his face. Touch his hands. Look into his eyes and finally be able to tell him what’s really in my heart. For him to be able to see the real me…the me that might not be anything that he is expecting. That could possibly be one of the keys to my nerves….yet the prospect of finally being able to wrap my arms around him makes me so happy and excited that I can hardly contain myself, however, I can’t share my feelings about him with my family because they wouldn’t understand.

While in the shower this afternoon I cried. I let it all out, and yet I still didn’t feel better. I think I feel so low today is August 6th is coming extremely fast, which is the day that our job will be done, and I’m not ready to go back to doing nothing here at home. I like having a job, a place to go, a place to be around other people besides my family, plus getting paid is also a perk. Yet, I HAVE to break away from “C” and if I want to get another job then by God I should be able to get one without feeling guilt. I have to shake this guilt. I have to grow a set of balls and just fucking break free. I have to look out for #1 and it has to start today. The next time “C” gets mad at me for not writing in our fiction story I’m going to finally email her the letter I have written and not look back. I mean time is precious and I’m tired of wasting my life away.

here one day....gone one night

“In the arms of an Angel fly away from here
From this dark, cold hospital room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here”
-Sarah McLachlan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
only six years old and has been battling cancer for almost a year
little Danny lost his fight to this hideous disease last night 6.30.10
but what gives me peace is knowing that he is no longer in pain
no longer has to sleep in a cold hospital room
no longer has to be away from his little brother
Danny is forever safe in God’s arms
and will remain there until he is reunited with his family one day
I never got to meet Danny
but I do know another child with the same type of cancer
and it’s just so utterly unfair that ANY child has to go through this
little Alexis is almost 4 years old
and shouldn’t be going through chemotherapy
she should be running and living a happy little girls life
she should be dreaming of fairies and Santa Claus
not needles and a giant hospital building
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



“Like A Comet
Blazing 'Cross The Evening Sky
Gone Too Soon

Like A Rainbow
Fading In The Twinkling Of An Eye
Gone Too Soon

Shiny And Sparkly
And Splendidly Bright
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like The Loss Of Sunlight
On A Cloudy Afternoon
Gone Too Soon

Like A Castle
Built Upon A Sandy Beach
Gone Too Soon

Like A Perfect Flower
That Is Just Beyond Your Reach
Gone Too Soon

Born To Amuse, To Inspire, To Delight
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like A Sunset
Dying With The Rising Of The Moon
Gone Too Soon

Gone Too Soon”
-Michael Jackson