11.30.09
3:55 am
everything changed today
it's the ending
and beginning
death and life
breathe in breathe out
i will be ok
we will be ok
things will change
lives will grow
tears will come
but that's ok
the end of her life
was a terrible one
watching her suffer
was unimaginable
she's reunited with papa
for eternity
thousands of bites fed
nine years of my life lost
but in the end
it was worth it
I wouldn't change it if I could
12.09.2009
10.29.2009
10.29. My Birthday
Birthday's....a time to grow. A time to look back and see how much you have changed. And a time to look to the future and see what you want to achieve. The biggies...1. 10. 13. 16. 18. and 21 all very important birthdays, each one is a HUGE milestone and a big deal. 26....not such a big deal. As I look back on this past year I don't see a whole lot of change. Which is disappointing.
The one thing that I did accomplish that I was really wanting to, is getting my drivers license. Yes, I was a 25 year old without an offical licence. It's a long story. Another thing that I am in the process of achieving is losing weight. I haven't been this weight in YEARS! It feels good to see change, and even though this is a slow change, this is a change that is going to continue until I reach my goal.
I have always enjoyed my birthday, especially since it's so close to Halloween. I tell people that my ACTUAL birthday is October 31st, instead of October 29th lol. I mean come on, couldn't my mom have held her legs together for just two more lousy days? One of these birthdays I will have a costume party for my birthday. *sigh* someday.
Over the past year people have come into my life, and left my life. My life is so much easier now that certain people are out of it. I didn't realize what stress they put on me. People are brought into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. From the instant you meet someone you know right away which one it's going to be....or most of the time you know right away. Other times you realize it when it's too late and the damage has already been done. The damage this person has caused is irreversible and I am glad to be rid of her.
I always feel sad when my birthday rolls around. And that is mainly due to the fact that nothing in my life is changing and all i'm doing is getting OLDER! I want to have just one birthday where I can truly, fully, completely enjoy it and look forward to the year ahead...instead I will paint on a fake smile, try to conjure up a few laughs and in the end I will go to bed crying myself to sleep like every year.
Even though I might sound like I am miserable here at home helping with my grandma, I have learned so much and have grown alot. I have found an inner strenth inside of me that I didn't know I had. I have had to do things that I REALLY didn't want to do (ie. cleaning up vomit while holding my own vomit back...cleaning up countless poop messes that showed me that I truly have a very strong stomach...ect.) I am honored to be able to do what i'm doing at this moment in my life. And it gives me something to look forward to for my future life.
Happy birthday to me.
The one thing that I did accomplish that I was really wanting to, is getting my drivers license. Yes, I was a 25 year old without an offical licence. It's a long story. Another thing that I am in the process of achieving is losing weight. I haven't been this weight in YEARS! It feels good to see change, and even though this is a slow change, this is a change that is going to continue until I reach my goal.
I have always enjoyed my birthday, especially since it's so close to Halloween. I tell people that my ACTUAL birthday is October 31st, instead of October 29th lol. I mean come on, couldn't my mom have held her legs together for just two more lousy days? One of these birthdays I will have a costume party for my birthday. *sigh* someday.
Over the past year people have come into my life, and left my life. My life is so much easier now that certain people are out of it. I didn't realize what stress they put on me. People are brought into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. From the instant you meet someone you know right away which one it's going to be....or most of the time you know right away. Other times you realize it when it's too late and the damage has already been done. The damage this person has caused is irreversible and I am glad to be rid of her.
I always feel sad when my birthday rolls around. And that is mainly due to the fact that nothing in my life is changing and all i'm doing is getting OLDER! I want to have just one birthday where I can truly, fully, completely enjoy it and look forward to the year ahead...instead I will paint on a fake smile, try to conjure up a few laughs and in the end I will go to bed crying myself to sleep like every year.
Even though I might sound like I am miserable here at home helping with my grandma, I have learned so much and have grown alot. I have found an inner strenth inside of me that I didn't know I had. I have had to do things that I REALLY didn't want to do (ie. cleaning up vomit while holding my own vomit back...cleaning up countless poop messes that showed me that I truly have a very strong stomach...ect.) I am honored to be able to do what i'm doing at this moment in my life. And it gives me something to look forward to for my future life.
Happy birthday to me.
9.25.2009
My first kiss
I remember my first kiss like it was yesterday. Although my first kiss wasn't like others girls first kisses.
I guess I was about 11 years old and our next door neighbors were our best friends. There was a boy a year younger then me and a girl that was my sisters age (2 years older then me). Even our parents were friends. So we were all 8 together ALOT.
One afternoon my sister and I were over at their house on their back porch playing and somehow (I don't fully remember how) me and the girl who was my sisters age got underneath this jacket and we kissed. I remember that her lips were kinda dry, but I also remember the feeling I got deep inside of my stomach. I had such butterflies it was unreal. I remember it being my idea to kiss and she was reluctant at first, but then agreed. After we kissed we came out from under the jacket giggling then went back under it for a few more kisses. My sister was there and kept a look out.
I think it was then that I felt something was different with me.
One day me, my sister and the girl were in her bedroom playing and I was the "husband" and I was going to do the "husband" thing and lay on top of her (to act like we were making love.) I remember wanting more then anything to just kiss her again. But she resisted and I got off. I thought it would be ok since we were just "playing the part". It was then that I knew it wasn't right and we shouldn't be doing that...but I wanted to so badly...so so badly.
About a year after that my sister and I were at our grandparents house for the weekend and we had a friend down the street from us. She lived with her grandma. One day we were over at her house and she and I kissed. OH MY GOD I loved it. I wanted more more MORE! But she stopped.
Ever since then all I can think about is kissing a girl again.
Once my time here is done with nanny I am going to leave and explore and experiment with different things. Until then...I can only dream.
I guess I was about 11 years old and our next door neighbors were our best friends. There was a boy a year younger then me and a girl that was my sisters age (2 years older then me). Even our parents were friends. So we were all 8 together ALOT.
One afternoon my sister and I were over at their house on their back porch playing and somehow (I don't fully remember how) me and the girl who was my sisters age got underneath this jacket and we kissed. I remember that her lips were kinda dry, but I also remember the feeling I got deep inside of my stomach. I had such butterflies it was unreal. I remember it being my idea to kiss and she was reluctant at first, but then agreed. After we kissed we came out from under the jacket giggling then went back under it for a few more kisses. My sister was there and kept a look out.
I think it was then that I felt something was different with me.
One day me, my sister and the girl were in her bedroom playing and I was the "husband" and I was going to do the "husband" thing and lay on top of her (to act like we were making love.) I remember wanting more then anything to just kiss her again. But she resisted and I got off. I thought it would be ok since we were just "playing the part". It was then that I knew it wasn't right and we shouldn't be doing that...but I wanted to so badly...so so badly.
About a year after that my sister and I were at our grandparents house for the weekend and we had a friend down the street from us. She lived with her grandma. One day we were over at her house and she and I kissed. OH MY GOD I loved it. I wanted more more MORE! But she stopped.
Ever since then all I can think about is kissing a girl again.
Once my time here is done with nanny I am going to leave and explore and experiment with different things. Until then...I can only dream.
9.08.2009
Tuesday's with nanny...and other childhood memories
I have never told these stories/written them in a journal/told anyone these stories in my life. As I was writing this blog all the memories rushed back and I remembered everything as if it happened yesterday....
I remember some of my favorite childhood memories were spent on Tuesday's.
From the ages of about 10-16 every Tuesday was my night to spend with Nanny and Papa. That was my night to feel special and have the attention all on me. Nanny and I would go for walks, or bake together or she would play gin rummy with me. And at nights sometimes we would take bubble baths together (only when I was 10 not when I got older). I remember we would be taking a bath and Papa would come in with a cold cup of water and pour it on us and make us squeal. I can still hear Nanny yell "babe" as the ice cold water ran over our bodies. He would go back to his recliner laughing his butt off. His laugh filled the house.
Then when it was time for bed she would sleep with me (only when I was 10 not when I got older) in "the grand kids room" and she would tell the best ghost stories.
"Who will come and stay with me this dark cold stormy night...and this little voice said...I will."
That was my favorite story she told, and she did it with great "spooky" voice inflection too. Then we would snuggle down and keep warm on the cold winter nights.
It was some of the best times of my life.
Every Friday was mine and my sisters night to spend there together. We would play High Nice (a card game) and eat pretzels with Nanny and Papa. Then when they went to bed C (my sister) and I would lay in the living room floor and watch dirty movies on HBO. I remember one of the first dirty movies I saw was this woman who took this bright red lipstick and went around and around her breast until she got to the nipple then stuck the lipstick inside and it disappeared, I was amazed. Of course it didn't actually go inside her nipple, it was just an effect, but at 11 years old I thought it was real. I loved being naive.
I look at Nanny now and I can't see who she used to be...all I see is this damn disease that is taking her away from me one memory at a time. I wish she could remember our Tuesday's together.
Out of all of my good memories of Nanny there are also some bad ones.
When I was around 14 I guess, I stole a cigarette from a friend (without him knowing). I took that cigarette to Nanny's house and that night I was in my room alone and after about 45 minutes I finally got the courage up to light it. I opened the window and puffed it a little, I didn't inhale. Then in a panic I ran to the bathroom and opened the window there (I'm not sure why the bathroom was better then the bedroom) but I just remember running in there.
Well as soon as I got in there the door started to open and I threw the cigarette in the toilet and closed the lid and flushed it. Nanny came in and asked if I was smoking...I said "no" my face was beet red from getting caught. She said she can smell it in my bedroom and in here so she knew I was lying. I turned on the shower to act like that is why I was in there and she opened the toilet lid and found the cigarette that didn't go down when I flushed it! She asked how that got there, I lied and said I didn't know.
She went to bed and my hands began to shake from getting caught. I went to bed and the next morning I was washing dishes at the sink and she came up and said "let's talk about smoking." My heart sank. I don't remember the full conversation, but it ended up with her saying that if I never smoke again then she won't tell my mom. I agreed and never touched a cigarette again.
I don't even know why I did in the first place...I guess that was one of my few moments of rebellion.
My other moment of rebellion was after my Papa died. It was one year later and I was 16 years old. Nanny had some surgery on her varicose veins in her legs on Valentine's Day, so I said that I would stay with her that night to take care of her. Well she went to bed and I remember feeling very sad and down about his death...and once I heard Nanny snoring I went into the kitchen and got into the cabinet and got out the wine. I poured me a glass and went back to the living room and drank that down. Then I got another glass full...after that I don't remember what happened.
I do remember snippets of that night. Nanny had this bell that if she needed me to help her up that night she would ring it and I would wake up and come help her get up out of bed. Well I remember hearing it ring and waking up and stumbling down the hallway running into the wall of family pictures. When I got into her room I ran into the door and she said "what's wrong" I slurred something and I don't remember much after that. I then woke up the next morning smelling of vomit and I was naked but had on a bath robe. When I went into the living room there was vomit on the couch. I quickly started cleaning it up thinking that she didn't know what I did. Well she knew.
I heard her on the phone to my mom and she called me into her room and my mom talked to me on the phone. She said "did you drink last night" I tried to lie but in the end I told her the truth. She said I know you didn't mean to get drunk, so I won't tell you father. She did tell me to go apologize to Nanny, so after I got off the phone I did...but I could see the hurt in her eyes...so I don't think she fully forgave me.
I still feel so bad about that night. I let my Nanny down...and now it's too late to apologize to her because she wouldn't know what I was saying anyway.
Moral to this story is when you do something wrong, make it right with that person because you never know what will happen to them tomorrow. Don't put off tomorrow what you can do today.
For privacy reasons I am only going to refer to my sister as "C"
I remember some of my favorite childhood memories were spent on Tuesday's.
From the ages of about 10-16 every Tuesday was my night to spend with Nanny and Papa. That was my night to feel special and have the attention all on me. Nanny and I would go for walks, or bake together or she would play gin rummy with me. And at nights sometimes we would take bubble baths together (only when I was 10 not when I got older). I remember we would be taking a bath and Papa would come in with a cold cup of water and pour it on us and make us squeal. I can still hear Nanny yell "babe" as the ice cold water ran over our bodies. He would go back to his recliner laughing his butt off. His laugh filled the house.
Then when it was time for bed she would sleep with me (only when I was 10 not when I got older) in "the grand kids room" and she would tell the best ghost stories.
"Who will come and stay with me this dark cold stormy night...and this little voice said...I will."
That was my favorite story she told, and she did it with great "spooky" voice inflection too. Then we would snuggle down and keep warm on the cold winter nights.
It was some of the best times of my life.
Every Friday was mine and my sisters night to spend there together. We would play High Nice (a card game) and eat pretzels with Nanny and Papa. Then when they went to bed C (my sister) and I would lay in the living room floor and watch dirty movies on HBO. I remember one of the first dirty movies I saw was this woman who took this bright red lipstick and went around and around her breast until she got to the nipple then stuck the lipstick inside and it disappeared, I was amazed. Of course it didn't actually go inside her nipple, it was just an effect, but at 11 years old I thought it was real. I loved being naive.
I look at Nanny now and I can't see who she used to be...all I see is this damn disease that is taking her away from me one memory at a time. I wish she could remember our Tuesday's together.
Out of all of my good memories of Nanny there are also some bad ones.
When I was around 14 I guess, I stole a cigarette from a friend (without him knowing). I took that cigarette to Nanny's house and that night I was in my room alone and after about 45 minutes I finally got the courage up to light it. I opened the window and puffed it a little, I didn't inhale. Then in a panic I ran to the bathroom and opened the window there (I'm not sure why the bathroom was better then the bedroom) but I just remember running in there.
Well as soon as I got in there the door started to open and I threw the cigarette in the toilet and closed the lid and flushed it. Nanny came in and asked if I was smoking...I said "no" my face was beet red from getting caught. She said she can smell it in my bedroom and in here so she knew I was lying. I turned on the shower to act like that is why I was in there and she opened the toilet lid and found the cigarette that didn't go down when I flushed it! She asked how that got there, I lied and said I didn't know.
She went to bed and my hands began to shake from getting caught. I went to bed and the next morning I was washing dishes at the sink and she came up and said "let's talk about smoking." My heart sank. I don't remember the full conversation, but it ended up with her saying that if I never smoke again then she won't tell my mom. I agreed and never touched a cigarette again.
I don't even know why I did in the first place...I guess that was one of my few moments of rebellion.
My other moment of rebellion was after my Papa died. It was one year later and I was 16 years old. Nanny had some surgery on her varicose veins in her legs on Valentine's Day, so I said that I would stay with her that night to take care of her. Well she went to bed and I remember feeling very sad and down about his death...and once I heard Nanny snoring I went into the kitchen and got into the cabinet and got out the wine. I poured me a glass and went back to the living room and drank that down. Then I got another glass full...after that I don't remember what happened.
I do remember snippets of that night. Nanny had this bell that if she needed me to help her up that night she would ring it and I would wake up and come help her get up out of bed. Well I remember hearing it ring and waking up and stumbling down the hallway running into the wall of family pictures. When I got into her room I ran into the door and she said "what's wrong" I slurred something and I don't remember much after that. I then woke up the next morning smelling of vomit and I was naked but had on a bath robe. When I went into the living room there was vomit on the couch. I quickly started cleaning it up thinking that she didn't know what I did. Well she knew.
I heard her on the phone to my mom and she called me into her room and my mom talked to me on the phone. She said "did you drink last night" I tried to lie but in the end I told her the truth. She said I know you didn't mean to get drunk, so I won't tell you father. She did tell me to go apologize to Nanny, so after I got off the phone I did...but I could see the hurt in her eyes...so I don't think she fully forgave me.
I still feel so bad about that night. I let my Nanny down...and now it's too late to apologize to her because she wouldn't know what I was saying anyway.
Moral to this story is when you do something wrong, make it right with that person because you never know what will happen to them tomorrow. Don't put off tomorrow what you can do today.
For privacy reasons I am only going to refer to my sister as "C"
8.18.2009
Want to see a face behind these words?
I wanted to let anyone know who is reading my blog or who stumbles upon my blog that if you want to see a face behind these words then I can email you a picture of myself. I don't want to post a picture publicly, because I want this to be anonymous...or as anonymous as possible. So if anyone wants a picture just let me know by commenting.
8.04.2009
Life
I have been sitting here trying to think of how to word what I am feeling, but it's just not coming out the way I want it to without it sounding bad. So I decided that I am just going to blurt it out since this is MY blog and I can say what I want and shouldn't worry what others think, especially since I don't have any readers, well I have one follower but I don't even know if she reads what I write.
So here it goes....
I want more out of life...but can't get it right now.
I sometimes HATE being trapped here, I hate that I can't have my own life and I hate that I am 25 years old and STILL at home. Granted I am home for a good reason and I choose to be here because I love my family and want to help them and help my grandma...but at times it just sucks.
I can't have my own private life because I am always here. My sister and I are like siamese twins and I feel like I can't seperate myself from her. I am scared that once nanny passes away that I will be afraid to move on and do what I want because I will feel like I am leaving her behind. She is so scared to get out and meet people and do things and yet that is the one thing I want to do, but I feel like I can't because of her. She is my bestfriend and I don't want to hurt her or make her think bad of me.
Nanny is getting closer to death every single day. Right now she is sick (aspiration pneumonia) and each night as we put her to bed we aren't sure what we will wake up to. She may pass away in her sleep someday soon...and that scares the hell out of me. I don't have any plans for after she passes, I don't know what I will do or where I will go. I know I want to go, but I don't know how I will get there.
When she does pass I know I will want to get out and finally for once live life and feel life. I want to try things and experience things that I could never tell my family. But I am afraid to leave my sister behind. But I know one day we will HAVE to grow up...i'm just not sure if she can.
I HATE my life right now, I hate how everyone around me is doing fun things and living life and I am sitting by watching it pass me. Life is so short and I want to make the best out of this life, but I can't right now and it SUCKS!
I envy people my age who actually have a life. I envy people who can have boyfriends and girlfriends and go out and experience things and have sex and enjoy life. I want to enjoy life too damn it!
So here it goes....
I want more out of life...but can't get it right now.
I sometimes HATE being trapped here, I hate that I can't have my own life and I hate that I am 25 years old and STILL at home. Granted I am home for a good reason and I choose to be here because I love my family and want to help them and help my grandma...but at times it just sucks.
I can't have my own private life because I am always here. My sister and I are like siamese twins and I feel like I can't seperate myself from her. I am scared that once nanny passes away that I will be afraid to move on and do what I want because I will feel like I am leaving her behind. She is so scared to get out and meet people and do things and yet that is the one thing I want to do, but I feel like I can't because of her. She is my bestfriend and I don't want to hurt her or make her think bad of me.
Nanny is getting closer to death every single day. Right now she is sick (aspiration pneumonia) and each night as we put her to bed we aren't sure what we will wake up to. She may pass away in her sleep someday soon...and that scares the hell out of me. I don't have any plans for after she passes, I don't know what I will do or where I will go. I know I want to go, but I don't know how I will get there.
When she does pass I know I will want to get out and finally for once live life and feel life. I want to try things and experience things that I could never tell my family. But I am afraid to leave my sister behind. But I know one day we will HAVE to grow up...i'm just not sure if she can.
I HATE my life right now, I hate how everyone around me is doing fun things and living life and I am sitting by watching it pass me. Life is so short and I want to make the best out of this life, but I can't right now and it SUCKS!
I envy people my age who actually have a life. I envy people who can have boyfriends and girlfriends and go out and experience things and have sex and enjoy life. I want to enjoy life too damn it!
7.28.2009
My Bucket List
Here is a list of things that I want to do before I die. I will add more things as I find more things that I want to accomplish. The ones that I have accomplished I will put in BOLD. and CAPS
I suggest that everyone create a "Bucket List" because it gives you goals and makes you really focus on life and what you want out of it. I am slowly but surely accomplishing these goals on my list, and someday I will complete each and every one of them.
REVISED 7.18.10
REVISED 10.18.10
01. Get more tattoos (at least 3 more)
02. Go on a ride along in a police car
03. Have sex with a girl
04. Go to New York and see a Broadway musical
05. Get a Brazilian wax
06. Lose some weight
07. Get a place of my own
08. Try weed
09. Fall in love
10. Go to a Halloween party dressed up
11. Go to a haunted house on Halloween
12. Go to a New Years Eve party
13. Skinny dip with a girl (other than my sister)
14. Make love in the rain
15. Go to a strip club and get a private dance
16. Get my nipple pierced
17. Donate blood
18. Do a random act of kindness for a stranger
19. Learn to play the guitar
20. Go camping and live off the land
21. Take a road trip with my mate
22. Go to a psychic and get my future read
23. Take more pictures
24. Learn how to ice skate
25. MEET ERIC (10.09.10)
26. Meet Sarah
27. Spend Christmas helping others instead of getting or giving gifts
28. Make love in a relatives house
29. Go on a weekend getaway with my mate
30. Get a mate
31. Witness a solar eclipse (again)
32. Break out in dance in the middle of a store with my mate
33. Live care free for a month
34. Buy a professional camera
35. Stay in a haunted house with friends for a night
36. See a shooting star
37. Witness a baby being born
38. Watch Pretty Woman
39. Make a scene in public
40. Get frisked by a cop
41. Go to Las Vegas
42. Kiss someone under mistletoe (Not a family member)
43. Get the top part of my ear pierced
44. Learn to drive a stick shift
45. GET MY DRIVERS LICENSE
46. Find Ashley
47. Put something in a time capsule
48. Perform 5 random, anonymous acts of kindness in a single day
49. Be naked in the woods
50. Develop my own photographs
51. Invite a total stranger over for Thanksgiving dinner
52. Find out my blood type
53. WATCH THE BUCKET LIST
54. Kiss someone outside when it is snowing
55. Get my bellybutton pierced
56. HAVE SEX WITH A GUY(10.11.10)
I suggest that everyone create a "Bucket List" because it gives you goals and makes you really focus on life and what you want out of it. I am slowly but surely accomplishing these goals on my list, and someday I will complete each and every one of them.
REVISED 7.18.10
REVISED 10.18.10
01. Get more tattoos (at least 3 more)
02. Go on a ride along in a police car
03. Have sex with a girl
04. Go to New York and see a Broadway musical
05. Get a Brazilian wax
06. Lose some weight
07. Get a place of my own
08. Try weed
09. Fall in love
10. Go to a Halloween party dressed up
11. Go to a haunted house on Halloween
12. Go to a New Years Eve party
13. Skinny dip with a girl (other than my sister)
14. Make love in the rain
15. Go to a strip club and get a private dance
16. Get my nipple pierced
17. Donate blood
18. Do a random act of kindness for a stranger
19. Learn to play the guitar
20. Go camping and live off the land
21. Take a road trip with my mate
22. Go to a psychic and get my future read
23. Take more pictures
24. Learn how to ice skate
25. MEET ERIC (10.09.10)
26. Meet Sarah
27. Spend Christmas helping others instead of getting or giving gifts
28. Make love in a relatives house
29. Go on a weekend getaway with my mate
30. Get a mate
31. Witness a solar eclipse (again)
32. Break out in dance in the middle of a store with my mate
33. Live care free for a month
34. Buy a professional camera
35. Stay in a haunted house with friends for a night
36. See a shooting star
37. Witness a baby being born
38. Watch Pretty Woman
39. Make a scene in public
40. Get frisked by a cop
41. Go to Las Vegas
42. Kiss someone under mistletoe (Not a family member)
43. Get the top part of my ear pierced
44. Learn to drive a stick shift
45. GET MY DRIVERS LICENSE
46. Find Ashley
47. Put something in a time capsule
48. Perform 5 random, anonymous acts of kindness in a single day
49. Be naked in the woods
50. Develop my own photographs
51. Invite a total stranger over for Thanksgiving dinner
52. Find out my blood type
53. WATCH THE BUCKET LIST
54. Kiss someone outside when it is snowing
55. Get my bellybutton pierced
56. HAVE SEX WITH A GUY(10.11.10)
7.26.2009
Impending Death
Impending Death
Her life is not her own anymore.
She is trapped within her own body.
She can't interact or even cry anymore.
It is torturous.
When I look at her I can't see who she really is to me.
I have to turn off the emotions and just do what needs to be done.
It is too painful and sickening when I try to think of her as my grandma.
It is heartbreaking.
Each day that I live death is all around me.
There is no escaping it there is no running from it.
It's coming even if we don't want it to, it's coming and coming fast.
It is terrifying.
To watch her go through this is the most horrendous thing ever.
The only good thing about this is that she doesn't know what is going on.
But the bad part is we do know what is going on.
It is misery.
She is having trouble swallowing now, all to suddenly.
We all know where this is headed, we just didn't know how soon.
Even though I block off the emotions, I still weep for her.
It is infuriating.
Her life is not her own anymore.
She is trapped within her own body.
She can't interact or even cry anymore.
It is torturous.
When I look at her I can't see who she really is to me.
I have to turn off the emotions and just do what needs to be done.
It is too painful and sickening when I try to think of her as my grandma.
It is heartbreaking.
Each day that I live death is all around me.
There is no escaping it there is no running from it.
It's coming even if we don't want it to, it's coming and coming fast.
It is terrifying.
To watch her go through this is the most horrendous thing ever.
The only good thing about this is that she doesn't know what is going on.
But the bad part is we do know what is going on.
It is misery.
She is having trouble swallowing now, all to suddenly.
We all know where this is headed, we just didn't know how soon.
Even though I block off the emotions, I still weep for her.
It is infuriating.
7.21.2009
My Intro
Well I guess this will be my introduction. It’s so hard to just start writing about myself because I never talk about myself, or even think about myself for that matter. I always put people first and usually end up getting burned.
I am 25 years old and I am currently living at home because I am helping my family take care of my grandma who has Alzheimer’s. Living with this disease every single day for the past 9 years has been grueling, hellish, frustrating, and yet rewarding. I have grown up so much in these past 9 years that it shocks me. I have learned that life is so fucking short and you ONLY have today.
I have a lot of thoughts and feelings that I am going to be sharing through this blog. I am going to be open and honest for the first time in my life. No matter what I write, and no matter how frustrated I am in the moment one thing that will never change is that I love my family and I love helping them.
I am trying to live life to the fullest or atleast to the fullest that I can at this moment since I can't fully spread my wings. But someday I will be able to be who I want to be and do what I want to do.
My hopes for this blog is to find myself through writing. I hope to meet people who are like me and who understand me and maybe can help me figure myself out. I have some secrets and feelings that I will write about later when I feel more comfortable. And I will share more about myself in blogs to follow.
I am 25 years old and I am currently living at home because I am helping my family take care of my grandma who has Alzheimer’s. Living with this disease every single day for the past 9 years has been grueling, hellish, frustrating, and yet rewarding. I have grown up so much in these past 9 years that it shocks me. I have learned that life is so fucking short and you ONLY have today.
I have a lot of thoughts and feelings that I am going to be sharing through this blog. I am going to be open and honest for the first time in my life. No matter what I write, and no matter how frustrated I am in the moment one thing that will never change is that I love my family and I love helping them.
I am trying to live life to the fullest or atleast to the fullest that I can at this moment since I can't fully spread my wings. But someday I will be able to be who I want to be and do what I want to do.
My hopes for this blog is to find myself through writing. I hope to meet people who are like me and who understand me and maybe can help me figure myself out. I have some secrets and feelings that I will write about later when I feel more comfortable. And I will share more about myself in blogs to follow.
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