I have been on this earth for 27 years now. 27 years of life lived, yet I feel like I have only lived half a life. Last year at this time I was cleaning up puke because Nanny had pneumonia. This year I have freedom and I am sad about that. I’m not sad that she is no longer living in misery, but I’m sad that I don’t have a purpose anymore. I know in time I will find my purpose, but at this moment, right this second, I’m scared out of my mind. I need to find a “real” job that I can start making some real money so I can get out of this house. And plus having a job will at least make me feel like I’m contributing to this world and I won’t feel like I’m wasting away to nothing. I want to leave my foot print on this earth, as well as on the hearts of people.
This morning as I was standing in the shower washing my hair the tears came, as they do every year on my birthday. And as I stood there with the hot water pouring over my body, the tears were pouring down my face and I had that same panic feeling that I have had every year for the past few years. All I can think is “You are 27 years old, get your life together, girl!” Now that Nanny is no longer here I feel this immense pressure, this uncontrollable pull to get away from this house, to get out on my own, to live my own life, but in order to get out I have to have a job, car and enough money to pay for an apartment.
I no longer feel bad to leave “C” behind. I no longer feel like if I get out that I am leaving her alone. Because eventually she has to grow up too, and I can’t be enabling her any longer, just like mom and dad shouldn’t continue to enable either of us. They should be pushing us out. They should be helping us get our lives started. Yes, they will support us in whatever we do, but they just aren’t actively helping. Eventually she will grow up too, it may just take her a little longer. But I’m not going to keep being pulled down because she’s not ready to grow up and act like an adult. I don’t want to look back on my life and have this intense anger towards her because she held me back. I don’t want to look back on my life and see that I wasted this part of it because of her. I can’t have that anger towards her knowing it would be her fault if I don’t get out on my own.
Here are just 5 things that I want to accomplish in my 27th year of life. In no particular order.
1. Get a job
2. Get a car
3. Get an apartment
4. Get independence
5. Have more sex
This past year I have changed a lot. The moment Nanny died was the beginning of my new life, and it saddens me that her dying is what gave me my new life. This past year I stepped out of my comfort zone A LOT! I took the Doula class that I have wanted to do for so long. I stayed in a hotel alone. I met Eric, which was better then I ever could have imagined. I lost my virginity….which was a dream come true. I stopped watching kids, which is a HUGE blessing and took A LOT of stress off of me. And I am beginning to get to know myself in a whole new way. I feel myself maturing and growing up. I feel that I’m getting myself prepared and ready to be on my own. I don’t feel like depending on my family so much anymore. I’m ready to be independent. I’m ready to be the grown up me.
10.29.2010
10.28.2010
to my 27 year old self
To my 27 year old self,
This year is going to be YOUR year. This past year has been an emotional one for you and one that has really begun to shape who you are supposed to be. You know that those 9 years are not wasted, but they are to be treasured and tucked away in a safe place that you look back on and see how much you learned from that experience and how you grew. But now it’s time to put that stuff behind you and move forward. It’s time you focus on yourself for the first time in your entire life. It’s time you stop living life for others and live life for yourself. If you make decisions that your parents would frown upon SO FUCKING WHAT! It’s not their life to live. This is your life and you shouldn’t have to make apologies for what you do. If it makes you happy, do it. If you want to try something, try it. Live your life for you and make no excuses. Because in the end we only have this one life to live and why live it for others.
I have faith in you to make your dreams come true. I know you will be able to accomplish everything you want to this year. You will be able to live on your own. You will be able to see Eric again. You will be able to do whatever you want whenever you want with whoever you want. I have faith in you and I believe in you. Just don’t let your fears get the best of you. Don’t let your guilt swallow you up. And don’t forget to live your life the way you want to.
You will always have me to lean on. After all, I am the only person who you can really depend on in this life. I will never let you down. I will never disappoint you. I will never betray you. I will never hurt you in any way. And I will always love you. Stay strong and make sure you make your 27th year fantastic.
Happy Birthday!
All my love,
Your 26 year old self
This year is going to be YOUR year. This past year has been an emotional one for you and one that has really begun to shape who you are supposed to be. You know that those 9 years are not wasted, but they are to be treasured and tucked away in a safe place that you look back on and see how much you learned from that experience and how you grew. But now it’s time to put that stuff behind you and move forward. It’s time you focus on yourself for the first time in your entire life. It’s time you stop living life for others and live life for yourself. If you make decisions that your parents would frown upon SO FUCKING WHAT! It’s not their life to live. This is your life and you shouldn’t have to make apologies for what you do. If it makes you happy, do it. If you want to try something, try it. Live your life for you and make no excuses. Because in the end we only have this one life to live and why live it for others.
I have faith in you to make your dreams come true. I know you will be able to accomplish everything you want to this year. You will be able to live on your own. You will be able to see Eric again. You will be able to do whatever you want whenever you want with whoever you want. I have faith in you and I believe in you. Just don’t let your fears get the best of you. Don’t let your guilt swallow you up. And don’t forget to live your life the way you want to.
You will always have me to lean on. After all, I am the only person who you can really depend on in this life. I will never let you down. I will never disappoint you. I will never betray you. I will never hurt you in any way. And I will always love you. Stay strong and make sure you make your 27th year fantastic.
Happy Birthday!
All my love,
Your 26 year old self
10.13.2010
left a girl....came back a woman
This past weekend was the best weekend of my life so far. Not only did I become a Trained Doula, I got to finally meet Eric. It was truly magical. Those first few moments together were so surreal, it was hard for me to accept that this was really happening. I had a moment of “What the fuck am I doing letting a strange man stay in my hotel room with me?” But as soon as we hugged that thought quickly disappeared.
It’s funny to look at my blog titled “I just want to be Jen Linley” because in a matter of two weeks I had a “Jen Linley” weekend. I can no longer call myself a 26 year old virgin and it feels damn good. The way he touched me was like an angel touching me. He was so soft and gentle and so romantic. I couldn’t have asked for a better first time. It all happened in room 304, a room that will always hold a special place in my heart, and 10.11.10 is the date that will forever be with me. I won’t go into too much detail about it because it’s something special that I don’t really want to share with the rest of the world.
When we said goodbye on Monday it felt as though my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I cried such heartbreaking tears as I watched him drive off. The main reason I cried so much is because I’m afraid I will never see him again. He has kidney cancer that has metastasized. So my first time with him, could have been my last and that breaks my heart. He gave me such sweet gifts that I will cherish for the rest of my life. He also gave me a t-shirt of his that I have been sleeping with every night since we said goodbye, and I plan on sleeping with it forever.
This was a weekend I will never forget. A weekend that changed my life in more ways than one. A weekend that made me a woman. I look forward to getting my first birth and getting my life started. I look forward to my future. I’m one step closer to freedom and it feels damn good.
“The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave
To the dark and the empty skies my love
The first time ever I kissed your mouth
I felt the earth move through my hand
Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
That was there at my command my love
The first time ever I lay with you
And felt your heart so close to mine
The first time ever I saw your face”
It’s funny to look at my blog titled “I just want to be Jen Linley” because in a matter of two weeks I had a “Jen Linley” weekend. I can no longer call myself a 26 year old virgin and it feels damn good. The way he touched me was like an angel touching me. He was so soft and gentle and so romantic. I couldn’t have asked for a better first time. It all happened in room 304, a room that will always hold a special place in my heart, and 10.11.10 is the date that will forever be with me. I won’t go into too much detail about it because it’s something special that I don’t really want to share with the rest of the world.
When we said goodbye on Monday it felt as though my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I cried such heartbreaking tears as I watched him drive off. The main reason I cried so much is because I’m afraid I will never see him again. He has kidney cancer that has metastasized. So my first time with him, could have been my last and that breaks my heart. He gave me such sweet gifts that I will cherish for the rest of my life. He also gave me a t-shirt of his that I have been sleeping with every night since we said goodbye, and I plan on sleeping with it forever.
This was a weekend I will never forget. A weekend that changed my life in more ways than one. A weekend that made me a woman. I look forward to getting my first birth and getting my life started. I look forward to my future. I’m one step closer to freedom and it feels damn good.
“The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave
To the dark and the empty skies my love
The first time ever I kissed your mouth
I felt the earth move through my hand
Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
That was there at my command my love
The first time ever I lay with you
And felt your heart so close to mine
The first time ever I saw your face”
10.06.2010
porcelain doll
porcelain doll locked in her little glass cage
unable to move, she’s become filled with rage
she tries to escape through a crack in the glass
but the guard quickly comes and knocks her back on her ass
they won’t let her out, they are afraid she will get injured
so they keep her locked up, keep her captured
the porcelain doll finally plans her big escape
she rips off the shackles and bites through the tape
she sees the open road in front of her and her heart swells
no time for goodbyes, no time for farewells
she has her eye on one thing, and that one thing she will achieve
she has to break free, she just has to believe
her dreams are in front of her, freedom she can finally smell
with tears in her eyes “I’M FREE” she happily yells
porcelain doll will come back with a secret she can tell no one
her weekend was spent with a special someone
she wants to grow up, she doesn’t want to be Peter Pan anymore
it’s time she gets out, it’s time for her to explore
unable to move, she’s become filled with rage
she tries to escape through a crack in the glass
but the guard quickly comes and knocks her back on her ass
they won’t let her out, they are afraid she will get injured
so they keep her locked up, keep her captured
the porcelain doll finally plans her big escape
she rips off the shackles and bites through the tape
she sees the open road in front of her and her heart swells
no time for goodbyes, no time for farewells
she has her eye on one thing, and that one thing she will achieve
she has to break free, she just has to believe
her dreams are in front of her, freedom she can finally smell
with tears in her eyes “I’M FREE” she happily yells
porcelain doll will come back with a secret she can tell no one
her weekend was spent with a special someone
she wants to grow up, she doesn’t want to be Peter Pan anymore
it’s time she gets out, it’s time for her to explore
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)