27 years lived

I have been on this earth for 27 years now. 27 years of life lived, yet I feel like I have only lived half a life. Last year at this time I was cleaning up puke because Nanny had pneumonia. This year I have freedom and I am sad about that. I’m not sad that she is no longer living in misery, but I’m sad that I don’t have a purpose anymore. I know in time I will find my purpose, but at this moment, right this second, I’m scared out of my mind. I need to find a “real” job that I can start making some real money so I can get out of this house. And plus having a job will at least make me feel like I’m contributing to this world and I won’t feel like I’m wasting away to nothing. I want to leave my foot print on this earth, as well as on the hearts of people.

This morning as I was standing in the shower washing my hair the tears came, as they do every year on my birthday. And as I stood there with the hot water pouring over my body, the tears were pouring down my face and I had that same panic feeling that I have had every year for the past few years. All I can think is “You are 27 years old, get your life together, girl!” Now that Nanny is no longer here I feel this immense pressure, this uncontrollable pull to get away from this house, to get out on my own, to live my own life, but in order to get out I have to have a job, car and enough money to pay for an apartment.

I no longer feel bad to leave “C” behind. I no longer feel like if I get out that I am leaving her alone. Because eventually she has to grow up too, and I can’t be enabling her any longer, just like mom and dad shouldn’t continue to enable either of us. They should be pushing us out. They should be helping us get our lives started. Yes, they will support us in whatever we do, but they just aren’t actively helping. Eventually she will grow up too, it may just take her a little longer. But I’m not going to keep being pulled down because she’s not ready to grow up and act like an adult. I don’t want to look back on my life and have this intense anger towards her because she held me back. I don’t want to look back on my life and see that I wasted this part of it because of her. I can’t have that anger towards her knowing it would be her fault if I don’t get out on my own.

Here are just 5 things that I want to accomplish in my 27th year of life. In no particular order.

1. Get a job
2. Get a car
3. Get an apartment
4. Get independence
5. Have more sex

This past year I have changed a lot. The moment Nanny died was the beginning of my new life, and it saddens me that her dying is what gave me my new life. This past year I stepped out of my comfort zone A LOT! I took the Doula class that I have wanted to do for so long. I stayed in a hotel alone. I met Eric, which was better then I ever could have imagined. I lost my virginity….which was a dream come true. I stopped watching kids, which is a HUGE blessing and took A LOT of stress off of me. And I am beginning to get to know myself in a whole new way. I feel myself maturing and growing up. I feel that I’m getting myself prepared and ready to be on my own. I don’t feel like depending on my family so much anymore. I’m ready to be independent. I’m ready to be the grown up me.

to my 27 year old self

To my 27 year old self,

This year is going to be YOUR year. This past year has been an emotional one for you and one that has really begun to shape who you are supposed to be. You know that those 9 years are not wasted, but they are to be treasured and tucked away in a safe place that you look back on and see how much you learned from that experience and how you grew. But now it’s time to put that stuff behind you and move forward. It’s time you focus on yourself for the first time in your entire life. It’s time you stop living life for others and live life for yourself. If you make decisions that your parents would frown upon SO FUCKING WHAT! It’s not their life to live. This is your life and you shouldn’t have to make apologies for what you do. If it makes you happy, do it. If you want to try something, try it. Live your life for you and make no excuses. Because in the end we only have this one life to live and why live it for others.

I have faith in you to make your dreams come true. I know you will be able to accomplish everything you want to this year. You will be able to live on your own. You will be able to see Eric again. You will be able to do whatever you want whenever you want with whoever you want. I have faith in you and I believe in you. Just don’t let your fears get the best of you. Don’t let your guilt swallow you up. And don’t forget to live your life the way you want to.

You will always have me to lean on. After all, I am the only person who you can really depend on in this life. I will never let you down. I will never disappoint you. I will never betray you. I will never hurt you in any way. And I will always love you. Stay strong and make sure you make your 27th year fantastic.

Happy Birthday!

All my love,
Your 26 year old self

10.29. My Birthday

Birthday's....a time to grow. A time to look back and see how much you have changed. And a time to look to the future and see what you want to achieve. The biggies...1. 10. 13. 16. 18. and 21 all very important birthdays, each one is a HUGE milestone and a big deal. 26....not such a big deal. As I look back on this past year I don't see a whole lot of change. Which is disappointing.

The one thing that I did accomplish that I was really wanting to, is getting my drivers license. Yes, I was a 25 year old without an offical licence. It's a long story. Another thing that I am in the process of achieving is losing weight. I haven't been this weight in YEARS! It feels good to see change, and even though this is a slow change, this is a change that is going to continue until I reach my goal.

I have always enjoyed my birthday, especially since it's so close to Halloween. I tell people that my ACTUAL birthday is October 31st, instead of October 29th lol. I mean come on, couldn't my mom have held her legs together for just two more lousy days? One of these birthdays I will have a costume party for my birthday. *sigh* someday.

Over the past year people have come into my life, and left my life. My life is so much easier now that certain people are out of it. I didn't realize what stress they put on me. People are brought into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. From the instant you meet someone you know right away which one it's going to be....or most of the time you know right away. Other times you realize it when it's too late and the damage has already been done. The damage this person has caused is irreversible and I am glad to be rid of her.

I always feel sad when my birthday rolls around. And that is mainly due to the fact that nothing in my life is changing and all i'm doing is getting OLDER! I want to have just one birthday where I can truly, fully, completely enjoy it and look forward to the year ahead...instead I will paint on a fake smile, try to conjure up a few laughs and in the end I will go to bed crying myself to sleep like every year.

Even though I might sound like I am miserable here at home helping with my grandma, I have learned so much and have grown alot. I have found an inner strenth inside of me that I didn't know I had. I have had to do things that I REALLY didn't want to do (ie. cleaning up vomit while holding my own vomit back...cleaning up countless poop messes that showed me that I truly have a very strong stomach...ect.) I am honored to be able to do what i'm doing at this moment in my life. And it gives me something to look forward to for my future life.

Happy birthday to me.