time is running out?

I have this continuing need to run to him
to wrap my arms around him
look him in the eyes
and tell him he is beautiful
the only problem is
I don’t know how I’m supposed to get this to happen
with my life it makes it difficult to do my own thing
I wouldn’t know how to explain it
unless I just tell the truth?
but no one would understand
“C” definitely wouldn’t understand
she would give me that ‘look’ and give me hell
mom and dad probably wouldn’t let me go
even though I’m 26 years old!
I have never gone anywhere EVER on my own
so this would be completely out of my character to do
even though I have dreams that I have never shared with my family
dreams that for some reason, I feel like I can’t share
this is something that I NEED to do sooner than later
because I don’t know if he will be around much longer
I’m afraid that if I don’t do this now, it will be too late
I would regret that forever
I don’t think I would ever get over it

I’m not sure what I want out of it
well I know what my womanhood would want
but I’m not even sure if anything would happen
I don’t even know if I want anything to happen
I just know I have to see him
and he wants to see me as well
I have to see this man who I have talked to, only through emails with
for a year
I just need to hug him
I just have to figure out a way to make this happen
I don’t have my own car
so I can’t just pick up and go in the middle of the night
I feel trapped
I don’t know of anybody who would take me to Bloomington, IN
I feel like time is running out
and I don’t want to go the rest of my life
without knowing how his arms feel around me

I need to feel you
touch you
taste you
heal you
lay with you
pray with you
talk to you
hold you
kiss you

Dear Lacy

(I saw someone else do this and I thought it was beautiful and really makes you see who’s on your side….YOU. It’s beautiful to say these things to yourself and hear the way you really feel about yourself. I suggest that everyone does this. It’s eye opening. I said things that I didn’t even realize I felt. I will definitely be doing this again!)

Dear Lacy,

Even though you have lost out on a huge part of your life, it doesn’t mean you can’t start today and create a new beginning. Each day is a gift, that’s why they call it the present. So grab ahold of it and enjoy every second. The past 9 years wasn’t for nothing, it taught you to have compassion beyond your control, and taught you how to care for someone else. It taught you that you CAN clean up puke, even though you thought you couldn’t. It taught you to wipe a grown adults butt, even when you felt embarrassed, because after a while, the embarrassment went away and it was just part of your everyday life. The strength you possessed during those 9 years is something that nothing else in the word could have given you or taught you.

I am so proud of you for seeing it through, even though you wanted to give up a few times. I remember the nights that you would cry yourself to sleep, or the times that you would have just awful feedings and feel like you wanted to pull your hair out….but you found a beautiful inner strength that allowed you to dust yourself off and continue with that journey with a beautiful spirit.

But now it’s time to look forward and focus on your future and what makes YOU happy. Don’t be held back by “C” and don’t think you CAN’T when clearly you CAN. DON’T let her keep you in the rut that you so desperately want out of. DON’T lose out on your life just because she’s got issues with change/growth/meeting new people/leaving the house….the list goes on and on and on and on. If you get the opportunity to meet people or get asked out by a new friend or even Katie, to go to the movies, dinner etc. then by God GO! Don’t be controlled by “C” you deserve to have a life. You are 26 years old and it’s time you start your life.

The strength you got from helping with Nanny is the strength you are going to use throughout your life. In those times that you get scared or are afraid of failure, remember the day that you held Nanny in the car when she was having those seizures while mom was driving to the hospital. That gave you such a strength that even you don’t realize it gave you.

And when all else fails, just BREATHE! You will be ok. You just need to find your passion and what makes you happy. And you need to get out more and meet people. You have been cooped up for long enough, and now it’s time my little cocoon, to spread those colorful wings and fly like the beautiful butterfly I know you are. I have faith in you to chase your dreams and to make a difference in this world. When you put your mind to something it’s amazing at what kind of things can happen.

In closing, I want you to know that you are beautiful. Even though I know you hate your crooked nose, your chin, your breasts that are different sizes, your acne that doesn’t go away because of your PCOS and your eyebrows. But none of that matters because YOU are beautiful. You have a heart of gold that would truly do anything for anyone...including giving Natalie’s family $500.00 for Christmas two years in a row.

Always know I love you and I only want to best for you, and I’m right beside you cheering you on!

Sincerely,
-Lacy

breathe

(Written 3.12.10)


new beginnings happen
when we least expect them
it can happen on any given day
Nanny passed away on a Monday
which started a new beginning for us all
today is Friday, and a new beginning is upon us again
just when things felt like they were spiraling out of control
God steps in and gives me hope
today was a great day
I feel like I can breathe so much easier
life is good
I was so close to running
but now it looks like I may get my life started
I may get my wish and be able to get on with MY life
I’m ready
I’m ready
I’m ready