my love will find me

To my future husband,

Even though we haven't met yet I still think of you daily. I pray that you are safe. I dream of holding you in bed as we listen to it raining outside. I ache to make love to you, to feel you that close to me gives me goosebumps and tears in my eyes. I can't wait to sleep in on a Saturday morning and wake up and make love before we even get out of bed.

If I close my eyes tight enough I can imagine what your arms feel like around my waist. I can imagine the strength in them, yet the gentleness. It will be the type of hug that I will never want to release from.

I can imagine what your scent will smell like. It will be a perfect mix of sexy cologne and your natural scent. I can feel the taste of your kiss on my lips, I just know that whenever we kiss it's going to take my breath away every time.

I know our love will be the type of love that goes on forever, because we will be so connected that it goes beyond just meeting each other, it will be as if we have known each other for lifetimes before.

I hear songs all the time and connect to them so deeply as if those lyrics are made for our love. Here are just a few songs that remind me of us when I hear them:

Like You'll Never See Me Again – Alicia Keys
I Wanna Grow Old With You – Westlife
Fearless Love – Melissa Etheridge
Somewhere Out There – James Ingram

There are many other songs but these are the ones that really make me think of you. It's fun to think about you, it somehow makes me feel close to you even though we haven't met yet......or have we? What if we passed in the street? What if we stood beside each other in line at the store? What if I bumped into you and said “excuse me”? What if we missed our chance to be together because we looked right past each other? What if we only get one chance to meet and we missed our chance because of other circumstances? Like what if we were supposed to meet at a play at Roger's Theater but I didn't go the night you did? Or what if we were meant to meet at a gas station but missed each other by a few minutes because one of us got stuck in traffic? What if you were in Kentucky but we moved too soon before we were able to meet? The list goes on and on, but what scares me most is what if I never meet you? What if you aren't here anymore? What if something happened and you were in a tragic fatal accident and were taken from this world too soon? Or what if we have already met and spent an entire beautiful weekend together.....but for certain circumstances that's out of our control we just can't be together.

I know you are out there and somehow, someway we WILL find each other. And if we have already met, then we will find each other again.....because true love always finds it's way. I can feel it in my heart that my love will find me....the person I'm supposed to be with will find me....and it will be magical.

my first.....operation beautiful

Yesterday I did my first “operation beautiful.” It was so much fun! I was at Wal-Mart and got out my little notebook that I keep in my purse and wrote “Hey you! Yes you! You are beautiful!” then at the bottom of the page I put the website for operation beautiful. I put my little note in the top of a hair dye box and the only thing sticking up was “Hey you.” I wanted to stick around and see who found it, but instead I left. All I thought about the rest of the day was who found it, what they felt when they saw it, were they going through something bad and did my note brighten their day?

Lately I have been trying to figure life out and trying to get my life started and haven't been very happy. But putting this little note in that hair dye box really made me feel good. So I think I got more out of it then the person did who found it. This will definitely be something I do every time I go out to the store.

Spread the love everyone, it feels really good.

left a girl....came back a woman

This past weekend was the best weekend of my life so far. Not only did I become a Trained Doula, I got to finally meet Eric. It was truly magical. Those first few moments together were so surreal, it was hard for me to accept that this was really happening. I had a moment of “What the fuck am I doing letting a strange man stay in my hotel room with me?” But as soon as we hugged that thought quickly disappeared.

It’s funny to look at my blog titled “I just want to be Jen Linley” because in a matter of two weeks I had a “Jen Linley” weekend. I can no longer call myself a 26 year old virgin and it feels damn good. The way he touched me was like an angel touching me. He was so soft and gentle and so romantic. I couldn’t have asked for a better first time. It all happened in room 304, a room that will always hold a special place in my heart, and 10.11.10 is the date that will forever be with me. I won’t go into too much detail about it because it’s something special that I don’t really want to share with the rest of the world.

When we said goodbye on Monday it felt as though my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I cried such heartbreaking tears as I watched him drive off. The main reason I cried so much is because I’m afraid I will never see him again. He has kidney cancer that has metastasized. So my first time with him, could have been my last and that breaks my heart. He gave me such sweet gifts that I will cherish for the rest of my life. He also gave me a t-shirt of his that I have been sleeping with every night since we said goodbye, and I plan on sleeping with it forever.

This was a weekend I will never forget. A weekend that changed my life in more ways than one. A weekend that made me a woman. I look forward to getting my first birth and getting my life started. I look forward to my future. I’m one step closer to freedom and it feels damn good.

“The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave
To the dark and the empty skies my love

The first time ever I kissed your mouth
I felt the earth move through my hand
Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
That was there at my command my love

The first time ever I lay with you
And felt your heart so close to mine
The first time ever I saw your face”

this isn't "just a job"

lost souls and damaged hearts
fear filled eyes and violent lives
left without hugs and kisses
no one there to tuck them in
no bed time stories
no one to say I love you
I want to wrap them in my arms
and save them from themselves

a 21 year old with a life experience of
drug deals
stealing someone’s personal lap top and selling it
violence that I don’t even want to imagine
he rides his bike cycle 30 minutes one way
to get to his community service
which is where we work
the place he calls home
is a place where he gets to share a room
with 28 other men
he doesn’t get to come home
to a home cooked meal every night
to familiar faces that love him unconditionally
he gets jail food
even though he’s not “in” jail
basically he is
they call it a probation house until he gets on his feet
in three months he gets kicked out of his “home”
to only go back to where it all began
you can’t expect someone to permanently change
when they are sent back out to the place
that sent them there to begin with
they are set up for failure
and it’s no ones fault but the system

today my heart melted and tears welled up in my eyes
with two small words from an 8 year old boy
“don’t go” he said looking up with his big brown eyes
he is normally so quiet
from being beat down
and afraid that any wrong move he makes
he will get screamed at
I witnessed it first hand what he has to hear
and it scared the shit out of me

this isn’t “just a job”
it’s giving something to these lost souls
that need a simple hug and smile
it’s not just supplying them with lunches and snacks
it’s supplying them with maybe a dash of colorless love
the kind of a love that doesn’t see what they did in their past
a love they don’t get at home
a love that we all should give
to show true
compassion
sympathy
empathy



"Cause I'm about to
Say goodbye to every single lie
and all the fears I've held too long inside
Everytime I felt I could try
All the negativity I had inside

For too long I've been struggling. I couldn't go on
But now I've found I'm feeling strong and moving on
I believe they can take anything from me
But they can't succeed in taking my inner peace
They can say all they wanna say about me."

I wanna be with you

This song says everything I want to happen with him. There are no words that can explain it any better than these lyrics.



I try but I can't seem to get myself
To think of anything but you
Your breath on my face, your warm gentle kiss
I taste the truth, I taste the truth
We know what I came here for
So I won't ask for more

I wanna be with you, if only for a night
To be the one who's in your arms who holds you tight
I wanna be with you, there's nothing more to say
There's nothing else I want more than to feel this way
I wanna be with you, yeah

So I'll hold you tonight
Like I would if you were mine to hold forevermore
And I'll savor each touch
That I wanted so much to feel before, to feel before
How beautiful it is
Just to be like this

I wanna be with you, if only for a night
To be the one who's in your arms who holds you tight
I wanna be with you, there's nothing more to say
There's nothing else I want more than to feel this way
I wanna be with you

Oh, baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore
It drives me crazy when I try to
So come on and take my hand
Can you make my wish, baby, your command? Yeah

I wanna be with you, there's nothing more to say
There's nothing else I want more than to feel this way
I wanna be with you, oh, yeah, I wanna be with you
Wanna be with you, yeah

I wanna be, I wanna be with you, yeah, yeah
I wanna be, I wanna be, baby
I wanna be, I wanna be with you, yeah
Wanna be with you

time is running out?

I have this continuing need to run to him
to wrap my arms around him
look him in the eyes
and tell him he is beautiful
the only problem is
I don’t know how I’m supposed to get this to happen
with my life it makes it difficult to do my own thing
I wouldn’t know how to explain it
unless I just tell the truth?
but no one would understand
“C” definitely wouldn’t understand
she would give me that ‘look’ and give me hell
mom and dad probably wouldn’t let me go
even though I’m 26 years old!
I have never gone anywhere EVER on my own
so this would be completely out of my character to do
even though I have dreams that I have never shared with my family
dreams that for some reason, I feel like I can’t share
this is something that I NEED to do sooner than later
because I don’t know if he will be around much longer
I’m afraid that if I don’t do this now, it will be too late
I would regret that forever
I don’t think I would ever get over it

I’m not sure what I want out of it
well I know what my womanhood would want
but I’m not even sure if anything would happen
I don’t even know if I want anything to happen
I just know I have to see him
and he wants to see me as well
I have to see this man who I have talked to, only through emails with
for a year
I just need to hug him
I just have to figure out a way to make this happen
I don’t have my own car
so I can’t just pick up and go in the middle of the night
I feel trapped
I don’t know of anybody who would take me to Bloomington, IN
I feel like time is running out
and I don’t want to go the rest of my life
without knowing how his arms feel around me

I need to feel you
touch you
taste you
heal you
lay with you
pray with you
talk to you
hold you
kiss you