held back

nine years of being closed off from the world
and now it’s time to spread my wings
create my own life
find my true happiness
I thought it would be easy
to start my life
but it’s more of a struggle
then what I even know

I ask myself “why” all the time
why am I scared?
why am I holding back?
why am I purposely not finding my joy?
and I think it’s because of “C”
it pisses me off that she’s holding me back
I don’t know why I don’t want to
move on without her
it shouldn’t be my problem
yet I feel like it is
she has problems…that’s very clear
and because of her problems
I’m missing out on MY life

I don’t know how to fix it
I don’t know how to change
I don’t know how to be an individual
I don’t know how she can not care


Wanna scream out
No more hiding
Don’t be afraid of what’s inside
Gonna tell ya you’ll be alright
In the Aftermath
Anytime anybody pulls you down
Anytime anybody says you’re not allowed
Just remember you are not alone
In the Aftermath

Adam Lambert – Aftermath

Life

I have been sitting here trying to think of how to word what I am feeling, but it's just not coming out the way I want it to without it sounding bad. So I decided that I am just going to blurt it out since this is MY blog and I can say what I want and shouldn't worry what others think, especially since I don't have any readers, well I have one follower but I don't even know if she reads what I write.

So here it goes....

I want more out of life...but can't get it right now.

I sometimes HATE being trapped here, I hate that I can't have my own life and I hate that I am 25 years old and STILL at home. Granted I am home for a good reason and I choose to be here because I love my family and want to help them and help my grandma...but at times it just sucks.

I can't have my own private life because I am always here. My sister and I are like siamese twins and I feel like I can't seperate myself from her. I am scared that once nanny passes away that I will be afraid to move on and do what I want because I will feel like I am leaving her behind. She is so scared to get out and meet people and do things and yet that is the one thing I want to do, but I feel like I can't because of her. She is my bestfriend and I don't want to hurt her or make her think bad of me.

Nanny is getting closer to death every single day. Right now she is sick (aspiration pneumonia) and each night as we put her to bed we aren't sure what we will wake up to. She may pass away in her sleep someday soon...and that scares the hell out of me. I don't have any plans for after she passes, I don't know what I will do or where I will go. I know I want to go, but I don't know how I will get there.

When she does pass I know I will want to get out and finally for once live life and feel life. I want to try things and experience things that I could never tell my family. But I am afraid to leave my sister behind. But I know one day we will HAVE to grow up...i'm just not sure if she can.

I HATE my life right now, I hate how everyone around me is doing fun things and living life and I am sitting by watching it pass me. Life is so short and I want to make the best out of this life, but I can't right now and it SUCKS!

I envy people my age who actually have a life. I envy people who can have boyfriends and girlfriends and go out and experience things and have sex and enjoy life. I want to enjoy life too damn it!