I just love the ups and downs of my life. What was supposed to be a day that I would always remember, turned out to be a day that I was sick with the flu and had to cancel. Here's the story......
I signed up for this local dating website last week just to be able to talk to people that live near me and see where things could progress from there. Well I met this woman who is from here and works at Wal-Mart and we got to talking and decided to meet in public at Wal-Mart Tuesday morning. So we meet and it’s really good. We sat in my car and chatted and she even showed me her nipple ring….which OMG WAS HOT!!!! So needless to say I couldn’t wait until we had more private time together. So when I got home that day I emailed her and asked if she would want to hang out at her house Friday. So the date was made and I was so excited. After so long of yearning for this it is finally happening, I couldn’t believe it!
Well………………………………
Tuesday night I wake up at 1:00am throwing up, and continued to throw up every hour on the hour that night and all day Wednesday. So Thursday I email her and tell her I have to cancel because I’m sick and just so weak and that we will have to reschedule when I feel better.
Well………………………………
Today I email her and tell her I’m feeling so much better and she said “I’m with someone now”. Talk about having someone come along and burst my bubble. Not just burst it, but shatter it. Here I was so excited to finally be able to take this step with a woman and to have it just explode right in my face.
Needless to say, I am not too happy. I wonder to myself why did this happen? Why would I get so close to something that I want so badly, only to have it explode in my face? And the only thing I can think of is there is another woman out there even better than this one that I will be able to have a beautiful time with. I mean this woman definitely wasn’t perfect. She smoked, which I HATE. She has a son. She definitely lives a rough life, such as bar fights, beer bottles broken on her face, crazy girls calling her 119 times a day and she has a room mate so privacy was going to be hard and just cause me stress while we would be doing anything because I would be worrying that her male roommate would walk in on us. So I can only hope that I will be able to find another woman that will be able to meet my standards a little bit better.
Even though I am highly bummed, I know it all worked out the way it was supposed to. Maybe I’m an extreme optimist, but being an optimist is what’s going to keep me moving on and looking forward and not get too upset about this. Because I could easily get discouraged and depressed and not put myself out there again. I mean after all this was VERY hard to put myself out there and be so vulnerable like this, but it also felt really good at the same time.
So the moral to this story…..keep on keeping on. Don’t get discouraged and don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. Because eventually putting yourself out there will pay off.
12.12.2010
12.07.2010
adulthood
How can so much change in just 2 days! Looks like I won't be lonely after Friday! I'm so excited!!!!!!! This is definitely a year of firsts, and another new first will happen this Friday.
Welcome to adulthood Lacy, see all the fun you have been missing!
Welcome to adulthood Lacy, see all the fun you have been missing!
12.05.2010
lonely
I’m so lonely. Like really, really lonely. I try to fill my life with these “virtual friends” who only talk to me online but I know nothing will ever happen in real life. I try to think that they really like me and enjoy talking to me, but every time they let me down in one way or another. Maybe this is teaching me a lesson, maybe I should stop trying to fill this empty void in myself with “internet friends” and maybe I should get out and get real friends. And that sounds so much easier than it actually is.
Ever since we got back from Kansas after Thanksgiving I have been really sad, and I know part of it was because it was Nanny’s one year anniversary of her death on November 30th and there were many emotions filling that day. But one thing that I was really upset about was that I had thought by the one year anniversary I would be out doing things. And yet once again I let myself down. Why do I do that? Why do I think all these great and wonderful things, and yet nothing ever happens? Why do I set myself up for failure?
Sometimes it scares me the things I think. It scares me to think of what I have been thinking about lately. Because I know how easy it would be to succumb to the things I am thinking and wanting if someone showed interest in me. But no one shows interest in me….except these couple guys that I’ve been chatting with online….and I don’t want to get myself into trouble but I can’t help what my inner desires wants….it’s like I can’t control it. My body and mind yearn for some excitement in my life, and I won’t be satisfied until I get it.
And lately it’s like I just don’t care….about anything. I didn’t even care if we put up a Christmas tree, I don’t care about my sisters feelings…..I just don’t care about anything……and that scares me. I feel like if I write about this stuff then maybe I won’t feel it, but I know that’s just not true. I know as soon as I hit “post” I will go back to my life and all these things will still be very much real. My mom asked me if I think I have depression and I told her no because I really don’t think I do. I think it’s more situational depression and once I get some space and independence I will be much happier.
Sometimes the sound of my mom’s voice just pisses me off instantly. Like if she tells me to do something I just want to scream at her to shut the hell up, but of course I don’t. And if my sister talks to me I just want to cover my ears and ignore her, and I know why I feel that way, but I’m scared that this feeling will never change. Sometimes I feel like if I just left today and never came back that I would be ok and not miss them like how one might miss their family. I’m just so sick and tired of their bullshit. I’m so sick and tired of being a “child”. I’m so sick and tired of living the same fucking boring life. I’m sick and tired of my sister. And I know that I’m fortunate to have such a “good” family. They never abused me, I got pretty much what I wanted and all my needs were met…..well every need was met except socially. And for that I blame my mom, and that is where my anger towards her comes from I think. There’s a reason why 18 is the age kids leave home, because by the time you’re 27 you don’t need to be parented. Being at home at 27 (and 29 for my sister) is just preventing us from growing up. It’s keeping us in this childlike mentality and we will never grow up while living in this fucking prison. I’m so sick of it all.
Ever since we got back from Kansas after Thanksgiving I have been really sad, and I know part of it was because it was Nanny’s one year anniversary of her death on November 30th and there were many emotions filling that day. But one thing that I was really upset about was that I had thought by the one year anniversary I would be out doing things. And yet once again I let myself down. Why do I do that? Why do I think all these great and wonderful things, and yet nothing ever happens? Why do I set myself up for failure?
Sometimes it scares me the things I think. It scares me to think of what I have been thinking about lately. Because I know how easy it would be to succumb to the things I am thinking and wanting if someone showed interest in me. But no one shows interest in me….except these couple guys that I’ve been chatting with online….and I don’t want to get myself into trouble but I can’t help what my inner desires wants….it’s like I can’t control it. My body and mind yearn for some excitement in my life, and I won’t be satisfied until I get it.
And lately it’s like I just don’t care….about anything. I didn’t even care if we put up a Christmas tree, I don’t care about my sisters feelings…..I just don’t care about anything……and that scares me. I feel like if I write about this stuff then maybe I won’t feel it, but I know that’s just not true. I know as soon as I hit “post” I will go back to my life and all these things will still be very much real. My mom asked me if I think I have depression and I told her no because I really don’t think I do. I think it’s more situational depression and once I get some space and independence I will be much happier.
Sometimes the sound of my mom’s voice just pisses me off instantly. Like if she tells me to do something I just want to scream at her to shut the hell up, but of course I don’t. And if my sister talks to me I just want to cover my ears and ignore her, and I know why I feel that way, but I’m scared that this feeling will never change. Sometimes I feel like if I just left today and never came back that I would be ok and not miss them like how one might miss their family. I’m just so sick and tired of their bullshit. I’m so sick and tired of being a “child”. I’m so sick and tired of living the same fucking boring life. I’m sick and tired of my sister. And I know that I’m fortunate to have such a “good” family. They never abused me, I got pretty much what I wanted and all my needs were met…..well every need was met except socially. And for that I blame my mom, and that is where my anger towards her comes from I think. There’s a reason why 18 is the age kids leave home, because by the time you’re 27 you don’t need to be parented. Being at home at 27 (and 29 for my sister) is just preventing us from growing up. It’s keeping us in this childlike mentality and we will never grow up while living in this fucking prison. I’m so sick of it all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)