I didn't think it would be this hard to say goodbye to my cousin when she moves away in 3 days. I think the hardest part is that she is 21 and moving out on her own in a new town far away from her parents and has direction in her life and here I am 27 and still at home. It fucking sucks. Why can't I be like her and not care about anyone elses feelings? Why can't I move and leave people behind? Why do I have to carry this burden? Do I bring it on myself? Will I ever have the balls to leave my sister behind? Sometimes I wonder if I will always be trapped living with her. Am I doomed to live like I'm married to her. Why can't she see there is more to life then what she has at this moment? Does she really expect to stay here forever safe in mommy's arms? Am I ready to sever ties with her and upset her when I leave? It will be so fucking awkward and I don't know if I'm ready for that. I hate awkward. I hate the feeling of the spotlight on me. I don't think I can handle it. I don't think I can handle packing and her watching. I don't think I can handle going to look for a car and her sit here doing nothing. But why is that my fucking burden to carry? Why should I feel like it's my fault that she stays here with no fucking life? She is a full grown adult and is able to do whatever she wants, the problem is, she won't do anything! I am so frustrated and no one understands me. No one understands what I'm going through or why I should feel the things I feel, and it sucks and it's so lonely and scary. My heart races a lot and I feel panicky when I start thinking of our ages and where we are at in our lives and I don't see any progress on her part to change this...which makes me feel like I can't move on without her because we have literally been conjoined twins for my entire life. I'm so fucking lonely. I have nobody in my life who understands me. None of my 'friends' that I have made online ever talk to me anymore. And sadly, they are the only ones who I can actually talk to and be completely open with. I'm just so lonely.
And I know most people would say “you should change the things you don't like about your situation” but it's NOT that easy, if it was that easy, I would change it right this second. It's like my sister has no cares about her future...and WHY does she feel that way? WHY doesn't she want to move out on her own? WHY is she so scared? WHY can't we talk like normal sisters and be excited for each others futures and be able to shop for our own apartments together? Why can't we just be normal and not so conjoined? Why can't I just leave without feeling this guilt? Why do I have to care so much? Why is my heart racing so fast right now that it almost hurts? Why do I have to feel so damn lonely and scared?
Showing posts with label frustrations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label frustrations. Show all posts
7.26.2011
12.05.2010
lonely
I’m so lonely. Like really, really lonely. I try to fill my life with these “virtual friends” who only talk to me online but I know nothing will ever happen in real life. I try to think that they really like me and enjoy talking to me, but every time they let me down in one way or another. Maybe this is teaching me a lesson, maybe I should stop trying to fill this empty void in myself with “internet friends” and maybe I should get out and get real friends. And that sounds so much easier than it actually is.
Ever since we got back from Kansas after Thanksgiving I have been really sad, and I know part of it was because it was Nanny’s one year anniversary of her death on November 30th and there were many emotions filling that day. But one thing that I was really upset about was that I had thought by the one year anniversary I would be out doing things. And yet once again I let myself down. Why do I do that? Why do I think all these great and wonderful things, and yet nothing ever happens? Why do I set myself up for failure?
Sometimes it scares me the things I think. It scares me to think of what I have been thinking about lately. Because I know how easy it would be to succumb to the things I am thinking and wanting if someone showed interest in me. But no one shows interest in me….except these couple guys that I’ve been chatting with online….and I don’t want to get myself into trouble but I can’t help what my inner desires wants….it’s like I can’t control it. My body and mind yearn for some excitement in my life, and I won’t be satisfied until I get it.
And lately it’s like I just don’t care….about anything. I didn’t even care if we put up a Christmas tree, I don’t care about my sisters feelings…..I just don’t care about anything……and that scares me. I feel like if I write about this stuff then maybe I won’t feel it, but I know that’s just not true. I know as soon as I hit “post” I will go back to my life and all these things will still be very much real. My mom asked me if I think I have depression and I told her no because I really don’t think I do. I think it’s more situational depression and once I get some space and independence I will be much happier.
Sometimes the sound of my mom’s voice just pisses me off instantly. Like if she tells me to do something I just want to scream at her to shut the hell up, but of course I don’t. And if my sister talks to me I just want to cover my ears and ignore her, and I know why I feel that way, but I’m scared that this feeling will never change. Sometimes I feel like if I just left today and never came back that I would be ok and not miss them like how one might miss their family. I’m just so sick and tired of their bullshit. I’m so sick and tired of being a “child”. I’m so sick and tired of living the same fucking boring life. I’m sick and tired of my sister. And I know that I’m fortunate to have such a “good” family. They never abused me, I got pretty much what I wanted and all my needs were met…..well every need was met except socially. And for that I blame my mom, and that is where my anger towards her comes from I think. There’s a reason why 18 is the age kids leave home, because by the time you’re 27 you don’t need to be parented. Being at home at 27 (and 29 for my sister) is just preventing us from growing up. It’s keeping us in this childlike mentality and we will never grow up while living in this fucking prison. I’m so sick of it all.
Ever since we got back from Kansas after Thanksgiving I have been really sad, and I know part of it was because it was Nanny’s one year anniversary of her death on November 30th and there were many emotions filling that day. But one thing that I was really upset about was that I had thought by the one year anniversary I would be out doing things. And yet once again I let myself down. Why do I do that? Why do I think all these great and wonderful things, and yet nothing ever happens? Why do I set myself up for failure?
Sometimes it scares me the things I think. It scares me to think of what I have been thinking about lately. Because I know how easy it would be to succumb to the things I am thinking and wanting if someone showed interest in me. But no one shows interest in me….except these couple guys that I’ve been chatting with online….and I don’t want to get myself into trouble but I can’t help what my inner desires wants….it’s like I can’t control it. My body and mind yearn for some excitement in my life, and I won’t be satisfied until I get it.
And lately it’s like I just don’t care….about anything. I didn’t even care if we put up a Christmas tree, I don’t care about my sisters feelings…..I just don’t care about anything……and that scares me. I feel like if I write about this stuff then maybe I won’t feel it, but I know that’s just not true. I know as soon as I hit “post” I will go back to my life and all these things will still be very much real. My mom asked me if I think I have depression and I told her no because I really don’t think I do. I think it’s more situational depression and once I get some space and independence I will be much happier.
Sometimes the sound of my mom’s voice just pisses me off instantly. Like if she tells me to do something I just want to scream at her to shut the hell up, but of course I don’t. And if my sister talks to me I just want to cover my ears and ignore her, and I know why I feel that way, but I’m scared that this feeling will never change. Sometimes I feel like if I just left today and never came back that I would be ok and not miss them like how one might miss their family. I’m just so sick and tired of their bullshit. I’m so sick and tired of being a “child”. I’m so sick and tired of living the same fucking boring life. I’m sick and tired of my sister. And I know that I’m fortunate to have such a “good” family. They never abused me, I got pretty much what I wanted and all my needs were met…..well every need was met except socially. And for that I blame my mom, and that is where my anger towards her comes from I think. There’s a reason why 18 is the age kids leave home, because by the time you’re 27 you don’t need to be parented. Being at home at 27 (and 29 for my sister) is just preventing us from growing up. It’s keeping us in this childlike mentality and we will never grow up while living in this fucking prison. I’m so sick of it all.
7.30.2010
indirect aggression
My sister is my best friend, yet I feel like I can’t talk to her. Something inside of me locks up when she asks me what’s wrong. Today I was in the floor stretching after walking on the treadmill and she came in and asked if I wanted to do abs with her when I get done, I had my iPod on so when I didn’t answer her she left the room, but I heard her and felt just awful for ignoring her. I instantly got tears in my eyes and got up to go shower before she saw my tears. When I came out of the room she asked if I wanted to do weights with her and I said “No I’m going to shower” and quickly got downstairs before she saw my puddled eyes. I think by my being so mean to her that’s my way of showing her my anger I have from feeling like she’s holding me back from my future and that’s why I have been so moody to her and non responsive…but I think it’s all catching up with me now and I hate what I’m doing to her.
While I was in the shower I cried. I cried buckets of tears. My face looked just awful afterwards, red nose, red eyes and the classic “cry face” I had to stay downstairs for a while after that just to get my face to look normal and so that no one would ask if I had been crying….because my mom is like a hawk, if she sees the “cry face” it’s like a radar goes off inside her and she just knows you’ve been crying. I sat in the floor of the shower (like I have done everyday for the past month) and cried so hard. It was clearly audible so I’m glad I was in the basement where I knew no one would hear me. I cried out of frustration. Anger. Confusion. Loneliness. Sadness. Grief. Jealousy. I cried for 20 minutes solid, it was like I couldn’t stop. All my feelings that I keep bottled up just came pouring out and I couldn’t stop it.
I have a “built in” best friend, yet I am pushing her away and being (indirectly) deliberately mean. Every time she says “I miss you” or “I just want you back like you used to be” or “I want you to laugh with me and play with me like we always do” I want to scream at her “I’M TRYING TO GROW UP SO LEAVE ME ALONE” but I don’t. I just turn my head and don’t say a word, I don’t say a fucking word because I’m a coward.
Today my mom said “Are you ok? Because you haven’t said 5 words in the past 2 days” I wanted to say “Because I’m trying to find the right time to tell you what I want to do with my life….but I’m too fucking scared to say it” but I didn’t say a word, I just laughed it off and said “I’m fine” but I’m not fine.
My sister and I watch the reality t.v. show Big Brother. It’s our favorite show and something that we really get into every summer. Well last night the girl who we absolutely HATE on there won Head Of Household (which means she can nominate two people for eviction) well, I got SO MAD that she won and was now going to go after our favorite people. I was furious over a stupid reality show. Like really, REALLY mad. But I wasn’t mad at the show, I wasn’t mad at the girl who won….I was mad at my situation. Mad at what my reality is. Mad that I am having such a hard time telling my family something that I know they would support me in (well at least my mom and dad would) so I released my anger on Rachel (the girl who won Head of Household) when I really wanted to release my anger about “C” and how I feel like she is holding me back…..Isn’t indirect aggression great?!
While I was in the shower I cried. I cried buckets of tears. My face looked just awful afterwards, red nose, red eyes and the classic “cry face” I had to stay downstairs for a while after that just to get my face to look normal and so that no one would ask if I had been crying….because my mom is like a hawk, if she sees the “cry face” it’s like a radar goes off inside her and she just knows you’ve been crying. I sat in the floor of the shower (like I have done everyday for the past month) and cried so hard. It was clearly audible so I’m glad I was in the basement where I knew no one would hear me. I cried out of frustration. Anger. Confusion. Loneliness. Sadness. Grief. Jealousy. I cried for 20 minutes solid, it was like I couldn’t stop. All my feelings that I keep bottled up just came pouring out and I couldn’t stop it.
I have a “built in” best friend, yet I am pushing her away and being (indirectly) deliberately mean. Every time she says “I miss you” or “I just want you back like you used to be” or “I want you to laugh with me and play with me like we always do” I want to scream at her “I’M TRYING TO GROW UP SO LEAVE ME ALONE” but I don’t. I just turn my head and don’t say a word, I don’t say a fucking word because I’m a coward.
Today my mom said “Are you ok? Because you haven’t said 5 words in the past 2 days” I wanted to say “Because I’m trying to find the right time to tell you what I want to do with my life….but I’m too fucking scared to say it” but I didn’t say a word, I just laughed it off and said “I’m fine” but I’m not fine.
My sister and I watch the reality t.v. show Big Brother. It’s our favorite show and something that we really get into every summer. Well last night the girl who we absolutely HATE on there won Head Of Household (which means she can nominate two people for eviction) well, I got SO MAD that she won and was now going to go after our favorite people. I was furious over a stupid reality show. Like really, REALLY mad. But I wasn’t mad at the show, I wasn’t mad at the girl who won….I was mad at my situation. Mad at what my reality is. Mad that I am having such a hard time telling my family something that I know they would support me in (well at least my mom and dad would) so I released my anger on Rachel (the girl who won Head of Household) when I really wanted to release my anger about “C” and how I feel like she is holding me back…..Isn’t indirect aggression great?!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)