When I watch t.v. shows I always look at all the characters and try to imagine which one I would be if that was my life. Like on Dawson’s Creek I would have been Joey Potter (the good girl of the show). In every teen drama series there is always the good girl, bad girl, good guy and bad guy. Jen Linley was the bad girl on Dawson’s Creek. She’s the one who had sex on her parents bed. She got drunk. She had sex with different people. She tried drugs. She was nowhere near perfect. Joey Potter was the one who took care of her pregnant teen sister. She helped take care of the baby when it was born. She was a virgin. She never did anything wrong. Ever.
In my personal life I have never done anything “bad.” I have been drunk once in my life, but it wasn’t worth it. I was 16 years old and was alone at my Nanny’s house (she was in bed) and I got drunk on wine. I didn’t mean to, but it just happened. But that was my one and only time that I ever did anything “wrong”.
I wish I had a more dirty past. I wish I had some dust on me. Some dirt. Some rust here and there. But I don’t. I don’t have any life experience in doing things a little risky like most people do. I’m so tired of being Joey Potter. I’m so tired of being the good girl. I’m so tired of always being put together. For once in my life, just once I want to be Jen Linley. For just once I don’t want to be put together. I want to do something that will get me dirty. That will make me be not so “perfect”…..but, I have no way to get dirty. I have nobody to get dirty with. And I’m not just talking about sex, although that is something that I want to do so desperately. I just want to do something wrong. And that may sound silly to most people that read this, but nobody understands what it feels like to be so perfect. When my mom talks about my teen years to other people she always says how perfect I was. How I never did anything wrong. How I wasn’t the normal teen. And all I want to do when she says those things is run screaming because I’m so tired of being perfect. I’m tired of being the girl that stayed home 9 years past the normal time of when you typically leave the house to help her dying grandmother. I’m tired of being the girl that’s a virgin at 26 years old. I’m tired of being the girl that is still living at home. I’m so tired of being perfect. I’m tired of this “good girl” label. In every teen drama series the “good girl” ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS has her moment of naughtiness. Her moment of imperfectness. Her moment to do her bad thing. And my moment is just waiting on me to fulfill it. I will get my moment.
Lately I have been watching “Queer As Folk” episodes on youtube and find myself very jealous of Brian Kinney. I mean yes his lifestyle is definitely EXTREME. But the freedom he has. The way he can enter a club and have anyone he wants without anyone telling him he can’t. Without the weight of letting people down. Without his family conjoined to his hip and holding him back. I love the way he doesn’t give a crap about who he hurts. For just once in my life I want to not care what people think of me. I want to not care that I’m going to let my family down. I want to not give a crap about anyone but myself.
I always write these blogs about my inner thoughts and wants and needs and desires, yet I can never seem to write about what I really want to write about. I want to write about things I’m doing in my life that’s exciting. I want to write about my friends that I meet. Things that I do. And I guess the only thing that gives me hope that one day I will be writing about that stuff is that I am finally going through this Doula class that I have been wanting to do for a long time. So as long as I can hold on to that and know better days are coming, I can get through one more day of loneliness. One more day of being “perfect.” One more day of being Joey Potter. And one more day closer to Jen Linley.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muSGWDb4m_0
9.28.2010
9.19.2010
if you really knew me
“If You Really Knew Me“ on MTV should be required viewing for ALL. In high school, there are the students who rule the school -- like jocks, cheerleaders, and the popular kids -- and the ones who get picked on -- like nerds, emos, and outcasts. That's just high school, right? But what if you could change that?
Like a reality version of The Breakfast Club, each episode of If You Really Knew Me takes place at a different high school, and follows five students from different cliques as they go through the life-changing experience of Challenge Day, a one-day program that breaks down the walls between cliques, and completely changes the way students view their school and each other. Watch the amazing transformation each week as new students open up for the first time and try to change by revealing who they really are, behind the cliques and the labels.
http://www.mtv.com/shows/if_you_really_knew_me/series.jhtml
If you really knew me you’d know that I am very quiet and shy when first meeting someone, but when I get comfortable I come out of my shell.
If you really knew me you’d know that even though I don’t regret the reason for why I stayed at home 10 years past the “normal” time you leave home, I still feel like I suffered horrendously when it comes to being sociable.
If you really knew me you’d know that I let on that I am proud that I was home schooled and didn’t have to go through the “pressure” that public school puts on you, but deep inside I wish I would have gone.
If you really knew me you’d know that I worry my sister won’t grow up before she’s 30, which is only 9 months away. I’m scared she will still be at home with no job and no future and no way to find a mate because she won’t get out of the house…which makes me not get out of the house because I don’t want to leave her behind.
If you really knew me you’d know that being your sisters best friend and ONLY friend is not a blessing, it’s a curse. For 26 years we have been each others only friend, besides the few years that we lived next door to our best friends then our parents had a falling out and after that we never got any other friends. We only played with each other. We only had each other to talk to. We were each others life. And now it’s almost impossible to break away without feeling guilt. It’s almost like a divorce, or a break up. It’s like I have been stuck in a marriage for 26 years and I don’t know how to be my own person. I have always followed her lead, she has been the only person I have had as an example….and she’s not who I want to be like.
If you really knew me you’d know that I have such deep sexual desires that run so deep, yet I fear I will never get to satisfy them.
If you really knew me you’d know that somewhere deep inside me I am a little relieved to have PCOS because that is a great reason to tell people that that’s the reason for me not wanting to give birth to my own children…when in reality I just don’t want kids. Or if I do decide I want a child eventually I will adopt. But as of this moment I have no desire to raise a child. It also gives me a different perspective and a better respect for women who do struggle with infertility.
If you really knew me you’d know that I have this HUGE fear of choking or someone else choking.
If you really knew me you’d know that I wish I had the guts to just leave home in the middle of the night, if not for any other reason but to get some real life experience under my belt and to not have such a squeaky clean past.
If you really knew me you’d know that sometimes I feel like a child in an adults body. I feel behind in a lot of ways. I feel like I lost out on a HUGE part of my life. I feel like I am doing what most 18 year olds do, only I’m 26. I’m in the process of getting my life started by becoming a Doula. I want to get my own car. My first car actually. I am a 26 year old virgin and I will be damned if I end up being a 30 year old virgin.
If you really knew me you’d know that I feel smothered by my family. I feel like I can’t breathe with them so close to me. I feel like every move I make they are watching. I know I’m lucky to have had such a good family, but sometimes I wish we weren’t so “perfect”.
If you really knew me you’d know that I still think about Ashley Clark. I will always feel bad that I didn’t say something when she told me what her dad was doing to her. Even though I was a child, I still feel guilt that I didn’t realize what she was saying was really bad. I have tried searching for her online but haven’t been able to find her. If I could find her I would have so much to say.
If you really knew me you’d know I’m afraid to die alone. I’m afraid to die a virgin. I’m afraid to die without accomplishing the things that I have on my bucket list.
If anyone reads this I suggest you write a “if you really knew me” blog because it really allows you to see deeper inside yourself and also lets people see a deeper part of you that you keep hidden.
Like a reality version of The Breakfast Club, each episode of If You Really Knew Me takes place at a different high school, and follows five students from different cliques as they go through the life-changing experience of Challenge Day, a one-day program that breaks down the walls between cliques, and completely changes the way students view their school and each other. Watch the amazing transformation each week as new students open up for the first time and try to change by revealing who they really are, behind the cliques and the labels.
http://www.mtv.com/shows/if_you_really_knew_me/series.jhtml
If you really knew me you’d know that I am very quiet and shy when first meeting someone, but when I get comfortable I come out of my shell.
If you really knew me you’d know that even though I don’t regret the reason for why I stayed at home 10 years past the “normal” time you leave home, I still feel like I suffered horrendously when it comes to being sociable.
If you really knew me you’d know that I let on that I am proud that I was home schooled and didn’t have to go through the “pressure” that public school puts on you, but deep inside I wish I would have gone.
If you really knew me you’d know that I worry my sister won’t grow up before she’s 30, which is only 9 months away. I’m scared she will still be at home with no job and no future and no way to find a mate because she won’t get out of the house…which makes me not get out of the house because I don’t want to leave her behind.
If you really knew me you’d know that being your sisters best friend and ONLY friend is not a blessing, it’s a curse. For 26 years we have been each others only friend, besides the few years that we lived next door to our best friends then our parents had a falling out and after that we never got any other friends. We only played with each other. We only had each other to talk to. We were each others life. And now it’s almost impossible to break away without feeling guilt. It’s almost like a divorce, or a break up. It’s like I have been stuck in a marriage for 26 years and I don’t know how to be my own person. I have always followed her lead, she has been the only person I have had as an example….and she’s not who I want to be like.
If you really knew me you’d know that I have such deep sexual desires that run so deep, yet I fear I will never get to satisfy them.
If you really knew me you’d know that somewhere deep inside me I am a little relieved to have PCOS because that is a great reason to tell people that that’s the reason for me not wanting to give birth to my own children…when in reality I just don’t want kids. Or if I do decide I want a child eventually I will adopt. But as of this moment I have no desire to raise a child. It also gives me a different perspective and a better respect for women who do struggle with infertility.
If you really knew me you’d know that I have this HUGE fear of choking or someone else choking.
If you really knew me you’d know that I wish I had the guts to just leave home in the middle of the night, if not for any other reason but to get some real life experience under my belt and to not have such a squeaky clean past.
If you really knew me you’d know that sometimes I feel like a child in an adults body. I feel behind in a lot of ways. I feel like I lost out on a HUGE part of my life. I feel like I am doing what most 18 year olds do, only I’m 26. I’m in the process of getting my life started by becoming a Doula. I want to get my own car. My first car actually. I am a 26 year old virgin and I will be damned if I end up being a 30 year old virgin.
If you really knew me you’d know that I feel smothered by my family. I feel like I can’t breathe with them so close to me. I feel like every move I make they are watching. I know I’m lucky to have had such a good family, but sometimes I wish we weren’t so “perfect”.
If you really knew me you’d know that I still think about Ashley Clark. I will always feel bad that I didn’t say something when she told me what her dad was doing to her. Even though I was a child, I still feel guilt that I didn’t realize what she was saying was really bad. I have tried searching for her online but haven’t been able to find her. If I could find her I would have so much to say.
If you really knew me you’d know I’m afraid to die alone. I’m afraid to die a virgin. I’m afraid to die without accomplishing the things that I have on my bucket list.
If anyone reads this I suggest you write a “if you really knew me” blog because it really allows you to see deeper inside yourself and also lets people see a deeper part of you that you keep hidden.
9.06.2010
this fragile life
Every time someone I know dies it shakes me up. It wakes me up. It reminds me just how fragile this life really is. Richard made many, MANY mistakes in his life, especially the past 2 years when he tore his family up and began living with the girl who he was having an affair with who had 4 kids of her own. Everyday that he would come here to pick up Corban I would get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach for having to look into his eyes that were filled with a darkness. When I heard the news that Richard died this morning my first thought was what my last words to him were. On March 12th (after MONTHS of crap that he put us through and his family through) I screamed at Richard “FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!” and slammed the door in his face as I gave him the finger. Just two and a half weeks ago we saw him at Wal-Mart not knowing that in three weeks he wouldn’t be here any longer. He was in his early 30s and had been complaining from a headache for the past couple weeks, and now he’s gone. It really makes me think about my own life and how I really want to get the most of out of, because we never know when that’s going to be us. We never know when out of nowhere we get hit by a car or we just drop dead.
It’s so weird to see the progression of his life. Was he destined to die young? I mean there were countless times that he should have died when he was a teen and in his 20s, but somehow he escaped death. Is there a quota of how many times you can cheat death before death wins? If that’s true then I may be getting close to my quota. When Richard would be making meth he could have blown up multiple times, but somehow he made it out alive and in once piece. This Preacher’s kid took the wrong path for a while but eventually he got married and had 2 kids and became the youth Pastor at is dad’s church. When their son was 12 and daughter 9 they found out there were going to have a “surprise” baby. During her pregnancy he began having an affair and from then until the day he died his life kept going further and further down.
It’s not surprising that he died. I mean it is and it isn’t. I knew eventually something was going to happen to him or to one of his kids in order to wake him up and make him start doing the right thing. I just didn’t know it would end in death.
If anyone reads this blog all I ask is that you don’t put off tomorrow what you can do today. Don’t take this life for granted because you never know when you won’t be here to enjoy this life. Hug your family and show them how much they mean to you because you never know when you won’t be here to hug them, or when they won’t be here to hug you.
It’s so weird to see the progression of his life. Was he destined to die young? I mean there were countless times that he should have died when he was a teen and in his 20s, but somehow he escaped death. Is there a quota of how many times you can cheat death before death wins? If that’s true then I may be getting close to my quota. When Richard would be making meth he could have blown up multiple times, but somehow he made it out alive and in once piece. This Preacher’s kid took the wrong path for a while but eventually he got married and had 2 kids and became the youth Pastor at is dad’s church. When their son was 12 and daughter 9 they found out there were going to have a “surprise” baby. During her pregnancy he began having an affair and from then until the day he died his life kept going further and further down.
It’s not surprising that he died. I mean it is and it isn’t. I knew eventually something was going to happen to him or to one of his kids in order to wake him up and make him start doing the right thing. I just didn’t know it would end in death.
If anyone reads this blog all I ask is that you don’t put off tomorrow what you can do today. Don’t take this life for granted because you never know when you won’t be here to enjoy this life. Hug your family and show them how much they mean to you because you never know when you won’t be here to hug them, or when they won’t be here to hug you.
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