behind these blue eyes

behind these blue eyes is a pain quite real
hiding beneath this mask that's there to conceal

behind these blue eyes hides years of lost dreams
inside my head was the only place I was able to scream

behind these blue eyes is a scared girl that's lost
nobody seems to care though, I always get tossed

behind theses blue eyes are tears uncried and locked away
even if I had let them out it wouldn't have mattered anyway

behind these blue eyes is a loneliness swallowing me whole
no one understands how it physically hurts deep into my soul

behind these blue eyes is a girl hiding her feelings
no one knows the things in my head, it's much too revealing

behind these blue eyes is an unspoken anger and grief
and I have nowhere to run and no way to find relief

behind these blue eyes is a secret nobody knows
but if you look deep enough you might be able to expose

behind these blue eyes is a girl who's become disconnected
fake smiles and laughs is something I've perfected

behind these blue eyes is hidden insecurities and fears
some days it's so suffocating that I just want to disappear
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is a video I made of this poem with music behind it. Just copy and paste the link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zVTxzpRlN8g

forever unanswered questions

I didn't think it would be this hard to say goodbye to my cousin when she moves away in 3 days. I think the hardest part is that she is 21 and moving out on her own in a new town far away from her parents and has direction in her life and here I am 27 and still at home. It fucking sucks. Why can't I be like her and not care about anyone elses feelings? Why can't I move and leave people behind? Why do I have to carry this burden? Do I bring it on myself? Will I ever have the balls to leave my sister behind? Sometimes I wonder if I will always be trapped living with her. Am I doomed to live like I'm married to her. Why can't she see there is more to life then what she has at this moment? Does she really expect to stay here forever safe in mommy's arms? Am I ready to sever ties with her and upset her when I leave? It will be so fucking awkward and I don't know if I'm ready for that. I hate awkward. I hate the feeling of the spotlight on me. I don't think I can handle it. I don't think I can handle packing and her watching. I don't think I can handle going to look for a car and her sit here doing nothing. But why is that my fucking burden to carry? Why should I feel like it's my fault that she stays here with no fucking life? She is a full grown adult and is able to do whatever she wants, the problem is, she won't do anything! I am so frustrated and no one understands me. No one understands what I'm going through or why I should feel the things I feel, and it sucks and it's so lonely and scary. My heart races a lot and I feel panicky when I start thinking of our ages and where we are at in our lives and I don't see any progress on her part to change this...which makes me feel like I can't move on without her because we have literally been conjoined twins for my entire life. I'm so fucking lonely. I have nobody in my life who understands me. None of my 'friends' that I have made online ever talk to me anymore. And sadly, they are the only ones who I can actually talk to and be completely open with. I'm just so lonely.

And I know most people would say “you should change the things you don't like about your situation” but it's NOT that easy, if it was that easy, I would change it right this second. It's like my sister has no cares about her future...and WHY does she feel that way? WHY doesn't she want to move out on her own? WHY is she so scared? WHY can't we talk like normal sisters and be excited for each others futures and be able to shop for our own apartments together? Why can't we just be normal and not so conjoined? Why can't I just leave without feeling this guilt? Why do I have to care so much? Why is my heart racing so fast right now that it almost hurts? Why do I have to feel so damn lonely and scared?

alone and lonely

alone and lonely
here in this room
alone and lonely
nothing but doom

no light to be seen
no sound to be heard
just me by myself
my vision is blurred

tears pour from my eyes
raspy breaths escape my lips
with my body trembling
I finally come to grips

9 years have gone by
my life was suddenly put on hold
I never really got asked
I feel like I was just told

18 months have now gone by
and I'm still in the same place I was
things have to change soon
before something drastic does

I have to stop feeling guilty
I have to find the strength to leave
the youngest one leaves first?
that will be tough for them to receive

eventually she will have to grow up
but what if she's too scared to?
is that my burden to carry?
does it mean I should put my life out of view?

I wish I could have a normal sister
it scares me the things I think and feel
sometimes I just really hate her
I hate how everything with her is always a big ordeal

as each day passes I grow more distant
this quiet good girl is growing wings
I'm breaking free and soon will fly
where I will finally be able to do naughty things

Song that goes with this post: River Flows In You

rage

this built up rage that I have for you is right at the surface
one false word from you and I explode
I can feel it erupting any day now
and when it does that's when I hit the road

I wish I fully understood why I have this rage towards you
maybe it's because you are always over my shoulder
maybe it's because you treat me like I'm still 14 years old
maybe it's time I stand up to you and get just bolder

you need to realize that I'm not a little girl anymore
you can't make my decisions for me or tell me what to do
I need to make my own mistakes I need to live
I need space and I need distances between me and you

I hate that I'm angry all the time
it scares me the things I think and feel
I feel out of control and like I'm always on the edge
I'm tired of being fake I just want to be real

when I leave I know it will put a wedge between us
and deep inside...as sick as it sounds...that's what I need
because that's the only way I will get any separation
because staying here will only cause us both to bleed


Song that goes with this post: Aftermath

close my eyes and leap

I have come to realize that once you get comfortable and content with where you are in life, in a relationship, in a job, that is when the change happens. That is when something BIG happens in your life. That's when you get a promotion, your boyfriend proposes, etc. So, I have decided to just be content with where I am in my life right now. I can't change anything overnight so I guess I just need to surrender.....and hope that by surrendering, things will change in my life. I know logically I won't be stuck here forever so eventually something has to change, and that is what I have been holding onto. Surrendering is hard, it's hard to just let go and give in. It's hard to wait for the change. I tend to be a very impatient person, but I am going to work on just letting go and giving in and getting excited to see the change happen.

releasing my grip
surrendering all
exhaling deep
preparing for the fall

falling into my life
falling into my own
falling into happiness
falling away from being alone

I can see it coming
it's just within my grasp
coming closer and closer
I begin to gasp

I'm losing my breath
my chest is getting tight
my body begins to shake
the harder I have to fight

fight my insecurities
fight my fear
fight for separation
fight to not disappear

I will conquer my scared self
I won't have to continue to weep
I am ready for my next chapter
I am ready to close my eyes and leap


Song that goes with this post: Defying Gravity

my awesome wedding

Most girls wait their entire life for their wedding. They have the dress picked out they want. They have the color theme. Who their bridesmaids and maid of honor will be. They have the seating picked out. They have the flavor cake they want. The honeymoon location. They even have the ring picked out they want. All they wait for is the guy to ask them to marry them. It's all very rigid and predictable and not at all romantic.

THIS IS NOT ME!

My wedding is going to be so different! First of all I don't want a diamond engagement ring/wedding ring. I hate diamonds and I hate “girly” rings, I think they are ugly and very cookie cutter and not unique. Instead, I want a tattoo on my wedding finger. Not of his name, but of a pretty ring. One that is permanent. One that will never come off. Because my love with my husband will be forever and having a permanent ring won't jinx me or my love like some people say. Here's what I would do, we would both get the tattoo separately then when it's time to put the rings on each others fingers during the ceremony we would take off the rings that would be concealing our tattoos and that would be the first time that we would see the others tattoo ring. So it would still be special and a surprise to each of us.

I don't want a huge wedding. Instead I want to either go to Las Vegas and have a wedding/honeymoon all in one OR go to the justice of the peace and sign the papers then go somewhere great for our honeymoon. We wouldn't wear some dumb ugly dress and suit, instead we would wear what each of us wanted. Even if it's jeans and a t-shirt that would be just fine. Because in the end it's not about the dress, it's about the love inside your heart.

I want my wedding to be intimate, because this is a very intimate moment between a man and woman. So I don't want a bunch of eyes watching such an intimate moment between me and my husband. I don't want people throwing rice at me. I don't want the typical cut the cake and twist your arms together and drink the champagne and I don't want the awkward first dance. It's all just dumb to me. It would be so much more romantic to just have a quiet, intimate ceremony just the two of us.

Our wedding would only last the length of a song. But not just any song, it would be our song. The song that means something to us both, whatever song that will turn out to be. I don't want a big long drawn out ceremony with lots of traditional crap, the length of a song should be perfect for vows and that magical first kiss as husband and wife....well we may need another song for the kiss because I want out first kiss as husband and wife to be AMAZING, not just a little peck.

Immediately following the ceremony we will go back to the hotel or our house (depending on where we actually get married at, Vegas or home) and make love as husband and wife. I won't want to waste one second longer than we have to to consummate our beautiful undying love for each other. Because in his arms is where I will belong. And in my arms is where he will belong. And by immediately showing our love for one another seals in our vows and our love for eternity. Because our love will be for eternity.

I don't see the point in wasting thousands of dollars on basically a dumb party when I could spend that money on either a honeymoon or a house or something for the two of us like a new bed or something. I can't wait for my wedding because it will be something special and unique that only the two of us will experience together.

Song that goes with this post: I Wanna Grow Old With You

want

In 5 years I want to feel settled. That doesn't necessarily mean married, it just means that whatever I am doing, wherever I am, I just want to feel settled. In 5 years I will be 32 years old so I definitely want to be out on my own and in my own house/apartment. I want a good stable job. I want to have a vision for my future.

In 5 years I would love to have someone in my life that I could call my very own. I have so much love to give and it saddens me when it's just sitting inside me stagnant.

In 5 years I want to have met up with “E” a few more times. In fact I would like to make October 10th and 11th the days that we meet up kinda like to mark the anniversary of our first meeting. I'm sure that won't be able to happen, but it's at least fun to think about and hope for.

In 5 years I want to be smaller. I want to be a healthier weight and in better shape. I'm not wanting to be a stick figure, because to me that is just not sexy. But I would definitely like to be smaller.

In 5 years I want to be happy. I want to wake up every morning excited for the day ahead of me and I want to go to bed feeling satisfied. I'm so tired of being sad all the time, and in 5 years I just want to wake up happy.

In 5 years I want to have my OWN life.....no.....let me rephrase.....in 5 years I WILL have my own life. Hell, in 1 year I WILL have my own life. If I can't dream about it and imagine it then I won't have any drive to make it happen.

And most importantly, I just want to feel like I belong. I just want to live.

clique

I didn't go to public school, instead I was home schooled. For the most part it was fine, however, I often wish that I had gone to public school. I feel I missed out on a huge part of my life, socially that is. I didn't get to go to school dances or have many friends. I never got to have a boyfriend in high school. I never got to experience the things teens experience, and for that I feel really left out.

I often wonder though what clique I would have been in. As weird as it sounds I feel like I would have been in the outcast/goth clique. There was a time in my teen years where all I wanted to wear was black, and if my mom had let me I probably would have worn it everyday, but she ripped that away from me and didn't let me be me. She wouldn't let me dress the way I wanted because she thought it was weird. But had I been allowed to dress how I wanted, I would have worn black most of the time. And I'm sure I would have gone down a very dark road had I been with other kids.

I think I would have been one of the kids to do bad things. Like I probably would have tried drugs. I was, and still am, very impressionable and very much a follower and not a leader. So had I been offered to try drugs I probably would have. Or if someone had wanted to have sex I'm sure I would have. That sounds awful to say, but it's the truth.

Looking back I'm sure it was best and safest that I was home and didn't have the bad influences......BUT all those experiences allow kids to make right decisions when they grow up. It allows them their time for fun then they can move into a more adult life and look forward to getting married etc. It also allows them to become their own people and create their own personalities. It allows them to know where in this world they fit. But I will never get to know who I would have become had I been able to have those experiences. Now I get to live with who I am and try to figure out where in this world I fit.

my love will find me

To my future husband,

Even though we haven't met yet I still think of you daily. I pray that you are safe. I dream of holding you in bed as we listen to it raining outside. I ache to make love to you, to feel you that close to me gives me goosebumps and tears in my eyes. I can't wait to sleep in on a Saturday morning and wake up and make love before we even get out of bed.

If I close my eyes tight enough I can imagine what your arms feel like around my waist. I can imagine the strength in them, yet the gentleness. It will be the type of hug that I will never want to release from.

I can imagine what your scent will smell like. It will be a perfect mix of sexy cologne and your natural scent. I can feel the taste of your kiss on my lips, I just know that whenever we kiss it's going to take my breath away every time.

I know our love will be the type of love that goes on forever, because we will be so connected that it goes beyond just meeting each other, it will be as if we have known each other for lifetimes before.

I hear songs all the time and connect to them so deeply as if those lyrics are made for our love. Here are just a few songs that remind me of us when I hear them:

Like You'll Never See Me Again – Alicia Keys
I Wanna Grow Old With You – Westlife
Fearless Love – Melissa Etheridge
Somewhere Out There – James Ingram

There are many other songs but these are the ones that really make me think of you. It's fun to think about you, it somehow makes me feel close to you even though we haven't met yet......or have we? What if we passed in the street? What if we stood beside each other in line at the store? What if I bumped into you and said “excuse me”? What if we missed our chance to be together because we looked right past each other? What if we only get one chance to meet and we missed our chance because of other circumstances? Like what if we were supposed to meet at a play at Roger's Theater but I didn't go the night you did? Or what if we were meant to meet at a gas station but missed each other by a few minutes because one of us got stuck in traffic? What if you were in Kentucky but we moved too soon before we were able to meet? The list goes on and on, but what scares me most is what if I never meet you? What if you aren't here anymore? What if something happened and you were in a tragic fatal accident and were taken from this world too soon? Or what if we have already met and spent an entire beautiful weekend together.....but for certain circumstances that's out of our control we just can't be together.

I know you are out there and somehow, someway we WILL find each other. And if we have already met, then we will find each other again.....because true love always finds it's way. I can feel it in my heart that my love will find me....the person I'm supposed to be with will find me....and it will be magical.

my choice

Ever since I was 12 years old I have been taking care of children pretty much non stop. My life has been filled with teaching kids and nurturing them and loving them as if they were my own. I haven't babysat a child since last March and it feels good to not have that responsibility anymore. Not have to hear crying and whining. Not having to wipe snotty noses and dirty butts. Not having to deal with the tantrums and hissy fits. It has been nice to not have to be quiet for the afternoon during their nap times. I am thankful that I had those experiences because now I don't have to ruin my own kids by having them and realizing this is not what I want. Because when you have your own kids you don't get to walk away from them, you are stuck there for life, like it or not.

I love kids, they are a lot of fun. I love buying fun toys and cute clothes for other peoples kids. They say some of the funniest and wittiest things sometimes. Their innocence is fun to be around. I enjoyed watching the kids we did have. But I don't want any of my own. And I especially have NO desire to give birth to my own. Someday down the line IF I do want kids I would absolutely foster a child or adopt. But it wouldn't be a baby it would be an older child, like over the age of 7 or 8 or older.

I enjoy my life without kids in it. I enjoy being able to go where I want when I want without having to wrestle with a child to get their shoes and jackets on. I enjoy my t.v. being Dora the Explorer FREE!

Another more serious reason why I will never give birth to my own child is because I am afraid of pregnancy and childbirth. Not the pain, but the fear of dying during it. My mom had a lot of problems having my sister and they both almost died. I also have PCOS (which I will discuss in an upcoming blog,) just like my mom did, which causes infertility so it probably wouldn't even be possible for me to get pregnant and I would NEVER go through fertility treatments. I don't want to end up with triplets or more! And I also don't want to put my body through that craziness. Plus, I feel like when someone goes through fertility treatments their labor doesn't progress the way it does when someone doesn't go through treatments. It's almost like for whatever reason their bodies just aren't made for pregnancy and it shouldn't be messed with. So I am saving myself all the stress and sadness and just not going to do it. And I couldn't be happier. But at the same time my heart goes out to all the women who have fertility problems and who desperately try to have a baby and feel like their lives won't be fulfilled until they give birth. That must be so frustrating to have your body fail you time and time again.

I see moms/dads out at the store and they look so miserable and unhappy, now I'm not saying that ALL moms/dads feel this way, but the majority of them that I've seen do. And that just doesn't look like fun to me. Sleepless nights, waking up early, the strain on your marriage, it just sounds like a truly miserable life. I mean sure there are good things that come from parenting, but nothing that looks appealing to me.

I have waited so long to share my life with someone and once I find that person I want to focus ALL my attention on only them. I am glad that I know what I want in this life. I am proud that I can speak up and be confident in my choice of not having a baby. I am glad that I don't have to have a child then be miserable and realize this is not what I want and be trapped, because that is not fair to the child. I am excited when I think of my future with my mate. I am excited to experience new things and be able to live a fantastic and fun child free adult life.

my first.....operation beautiful

Yesterday I did my first “operation beautiful.” It was so much fun! I was at Wal-Mart and got out my little notebook that I keep in my purse and wrote “Hey you! Yes you! You are beautiful!” then at the bottom of the page I put the website for operation beautiful. I put my little note in the top of a hair dye box and the only thing sticking up was “Hey you.” I wanted to stick around and see who found it, but instead I left. All I thought about the rest of the day was who found it, what they felt when they saw it, were they going through something bad and did my note brighten their day?

Lately I have been trying to figure life out and trying to get my life started and haven't been very happy. But putting this little note in that hair dye box really made me feel good. So I think I got more out of it then the person did who found it. This will definitely be something I do every time I go out to the store.

Spread the love everyone, it feels really good.

a fetish

So I have a little bit of a fetish.....ok a BIG fetish! I have a thing for guys that wear eyeliner (and sometimes black nail polish). It's not the “rock bad boy look” that turns me on, it's just the look of it, the confidence it takes to wear it, the energy the guy gives off when he wears it and the attitude he gets when he has it on.

Chris Daughtry, Tommy Lee, Nikki Sixx and AJ McLean (from the Backstreet Boys) are just a few that I find sexy.

But here are my two favorite male celebrities that wear eyeliner and why I love them.





Adam Lambert won my heart the second he opened his mouth and spoke on American Idol. His energy was so strong and I knew he would be a star. The first note he sang melted my heart. Not many men can sing the notes he does and sound good. When he performs his entire body performs. His face tells the story of the song, it can be a sexy love song, a song about a break up, or a song about sex, but in any of those variations he performs the hell out of it.





Bret Michaels is probably one of the sexiest men I have seen. His tattoos, his voice, his blonde locks, his sexy bandana and hat......wow he is a beautiful man. Last year when he was going through all of his health problems I was really concerned for him. When he performed on the finale of American Idol I was holding my breath through the entire song because I was afraid he would collapse on stage (he had only been out of the hospital for a few days prior). Only recently I downloaded some of his songs plus some of Poison's songs and fell hardcore in love with him. Of course “Every Rose Has It's Thorn” and “Something To Believe In” are THE favorites....but I found a new love for “Lay Your Body Down” and “Be The One” what incredibly sexy songs!!!!

P.S. I have decided to cut down the amount of blogs to 3 a week instead of 5 a week.

operation beautiful

The media these days is just a mess. All they plaster all over tv, magazines and movies is an unrealistic “perfection” that we think we have to live up to. Which is just utterly wrong.

It’s just not realistic to look like these models on the cover of magazines who starve themselves and have plastic surgery to look that way. In their warped, twisted little minds they are giving people the wrong impression that THAT is beauty. Having no wrinkles, no pimples, no freckles, no cellulite and no curves is what the world thinks beauty is……and it’s NOT what beauty is. And it’s not just women who have body image issues, men do too. They see all these male actors who are ripped and have thick flowing hair and they think women want a man like that, when in reality we just want a man who will treat us with respect and make us feel beautiful.....flaws and all.

And it’s not just the magazines that make us feel less than perfect, it’s also the people around us. Especially kids in school. Just by a kid calling another kid fat can make that kid get an eating disorder. Or by a kid making fun of another kid it can make that kid self harm. The list goes on and on and it’s just sad. The power of words is amazing and can have just an awful effect on someone for the rest of their lives.

This website http://operationbeautiful.com/ is trying to give back to people what the world has taken away. By getting people to put post-it notes with motivational sayings (anonymously) in public bathrooms, schools, public places, etc. they are reminding people that they are beautiful no matter their size, flaws and imperfections. It’s something so simple that we all can do in order to help people change the way they think about themselves. It’s our contribution to counter act what the media has created. As I read through the comments on that website it's amazing how just about everyone who has found an “operation beautiful” post-it note gets filled with love and makes them feel special and beautiful. I mean who wouldn't like to find a special little note that says they are beautiful no matter what they look like?

So I am going to start being a “post-it note elf” and placing these little notes in random places when I go to stores, restaurants, ect. It will be my random act of kindness that can help make the world a better place. For anyone who reads this, I encourage you to be a “post-it note elf” with me and help spread the love and spread the beauty. Together we can help give back what the world has taken away.
Even though this can't be anonymous because it's on my public blog, here is a little “operation beautiful” for whoever reads this......

ALWAYS BE YOURSELF
DO NOT COMPROMISE FOR ANYONE
CONFIDENCE IS SEXY
YOU ARE SEXY


http://operationbeautiful.com/

a goal

This year I want to try to post a blog everyday. This is not a New Year's resolution because I don't make them because I can't keep them. This is just a goal that I would like to strive for. I'm sure I will fail at some point or another, but I want to strive for at least 5 blogs a week. We'll see how long this lasts lol.