my love will find me

To my future husband,

Even though we haven't met yet I still think of you daily. I pray that you are safe. I dream of holding you in bed as we listen to it raining outside. I ache to make love to you, to feel you that close to me gives me goosebumps and tears in my eyes. I can't wait to sleep in on a Saturday morning and wake up and make love before we even get out of bed.

If I close my eyes tight enough I can imagine what your arms feel like around my waist. I can imagine the strength in them, yet the gentleness. It will be the type of hug that I will never want to release from.

I can imagine what your scent will smell like. It will be a perfect mix of sexy cologne and your natural scent. I can feel the taste of your kiss on my lips, I just know that whenever we kiss it's going to take my breath away every time.

I know our love will be the type of love that goes on forever, because we will be so connected that it goes beyond just meeting each other, it will be as if we have known each other for lifetimes before.

I hear songs all the time and connect to them so deeply as if those lyrics are made for our love. Here are just a few songs that remind me of us when I hear them:

Like You'll Never See Me Again – Alicia Keys
I Wanna Grow Old With You – Westlife
Fearless Love – Melissa Etheridge
Somewhere Out There – James Ingram

There are many other songs but these are the ones that really make me think of you. It's fun to think about you, it somehow makes me feel close to you even though we haven't met yet......or have we? What if we passed in the street? What if we stood beside each other in line at the store? What if I bumped into you and said “excuse me”? What if we missed our chance to be together because we looked right past each other? What if we only get one chance to meet and we missed our chance because of other circumstances? Like what if we were supposed to meet at a play at Roger's Theater but I didn't go the night you did? Or what if we were meant to meet at a gas station but missed each other by a few minutes because one of us got stuck in traffic? What if you were in Kentucky but we moved too soon before we were able to meet? The list goes on and on, but what scares me most is what if I never meet you? What if you aren't here anymore? What if something happened and you were in a tragic fatal accident and were taken from this world too soon? Or what if we have already met and spent an entire beautiful weekend together.....but for certain circumstances that's out of our control we just can't be together.

I know you are out there and somehow, someway we WILL find each other. And if we have already met, then we will find each other again.....because true love always finds it's way. I can feel it in my heart that my love will find me....the person I'm supposed to be with will find me....and it will be magical.

here's the story

I just love the ups and downs of my life. What was supposed to be a day that I would always remember, turned out to be a day that I was sick with the flu and had to cancel. Here's the story......

I signed up for this local dating website last week just to be able to talk to people that live near me and see where things could progress from there. Well I met this woman who is from here and works at Wal-Mart and we got to talking and decided to meet in public at Wal-Mart Tuesday morning. So we meet and it’s really good. We sat in my car and chatted and she even showed me her nipple ring….which OMG WAS HOT!!!! So needless to say I couldn’t wait until we had more private time together. So when I got home that day I emailed her and asked if she would want to hang out at her house Friday. So the date was made and I was so excited. After so long of yearning for this it is finally happening, I couldn’t believe it!

Well………………………………

Tuesday night I wake up at 1:00am throwing up, and continued to throw up every hour on the hour that night and all day Wednesday. So Thursday I email her and tell her I have to cancel because I’m sick and just so weak and that we will have to reschedule when I feel better.

Well………………………………

Today I email her and tell her I’m feeling so much better and she said “I’m with someone now”. Talk about having someone come along and burst my bubble. Not just burst it, but shatter it. Here I was so excited to finally be able to take this step with a woman and to have it just explode right in my face.

Needless to say, I am not too happy. I wonder to myself why did this happen? Why would I get so close to something that I want so badly, only to have it explode in my face? And the only thing I can think of is there is another woman out there even better than this one that I will be able to have a beautiful time with. I mean this woman definitely wasn’t perfect. She smoked, which I HATE. She has a son. She definitely lives a rough life, such as bar fights, beer bottles broken on her face, crazy girls calling her 119 times a day and she has a room mate so privacy was going to be hard and just cause me stress while we would be doing anything because I would be worrying that her male roommate would walk in on us. So I can only hope that I will be able to find another woman that will be able to meet my standards a little bit better.

Even though I am highly bummed, I know it all worked out the way it was supposed to. Maybe I’m an extreme optimist, but being an optimist is what’s going to keep me moving on and looking forward and not get too upset about this. Because I could easily get discouraged and depressed and not put myself out there again. I mean after all this was VERY hard to put myself out there and be so vulnerable like this, but it also felt really good at the same time.

So the moral to this story…..keep on keeping on. Don’t get discouraged and don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. Because eventually putting yourself out there will pay off.

adulthood

How can so much change in just 2 days! Looks like I won't be lonely after Friday! I'm so excited!!!!!!! This is definitely a year of firsts, and another new first will happen this Friday.

Welcome to adulthood Lacy, see all the fun you have been missing!

lonely

I’m so lonely. Like really, really lonely. I try to fill my life with these “virtual friends” who only talk to me online but I know nothing will ever happen in real life. I try to think that they really like me and enjoy talking to me, but every time they let me down in one way or another. Maybe this is teaching me a lesson, maybe I should stop trying to fill this empty void in myself with “internet friends” and maybe I should get out and get real friends. And that sounds so much easier than it actually is.

Ever since we got back from Kansas after Thanksgiving I have been really sad, and I know part of it was because it was Nanny’s one year anniversary of her death on November 30th and there were many emotions filling that day. But one thing that I was really upset about was that I had thought by the one year anniversary I would be out doing things. And yet once again I let myself down. Why do I do that? Why do I think all these great and wonderful things, and yet nothing ever happens? Why do I set myself up for failure?

Sometimes it scares me the things I think. It scares me to think of what I have been thinking about lately. Because I know how easy it would be to succumb to the things I am thinking and wanting if someone showed interest in me. But no one shows interest in me….except these couple guys that I’ve been chatting with online….and I don’t want to get myself into trouble but I can’t help what my inner desires wants….it’s like I can’t control it. My body and mind yearn for some excitement in my life, and I won’t be satisfied until I get it.

And lately it’s like I just don’t care….about anything. I didn’t even care if we put up a Christmas tree, I don’t care about my sisters feelings…..I just don’t care about anything……and that scares me. I feel like if I write about this stuff then maybe I won’t feel it, but I know that’s just not true. I know as soon as I hit “post” I will go back to my life and all these things will still be very much real. My mom asked me if I think I have depression and I told her no because I really don’t think I do. I think it’s more situational depression and once I get some space and independence I will be much happier.

Sometimes the sound of my mom’s voice just pisses me off instantly. Like if she tells me to do something I just want to scream at her to shut the hell up, but of course I don’t. And if my sister talks to me I just want to cover my ears and ignore her, and I know why I feel that way, but I’m scared that this feeling will never change. Sometimes I feel like if I just left today and never came back that I would be ok and not miss them like how one might miss their family. I’m just so sick and tired of their bullshit. I’m so sick and tired of being a “child”. I’m so sick and tired of living the same fucking boring life. I’m sick and tired of my sister. And I know that I’m fortunate to have such a “good” family. They never abused me, I got pretty much what I wanted and all my needs were met…..well every need was met except socially. And for that I blame my mom, and that is where my anger towards her comes from I think. There’s a reason why 18 is the age kids leave home, because by the time you’re 27 you don’t need to be parented. Being at home at 27 (and 29 for my sister) is just preventing us from growing up. It’s keeping us in this childlike mentality and we will never grow up while living in this fucking prison. I’m so sick of it all.

if you really knew me

“If You Really Knew Me“ on MTV should be required viewing for ALL. In high school, there are the students who rule the school -- like jocks, cheerleaders, and the popular kids -- and the ones who get picked on -- like nerds, emos, and outcasts. That's just high school, right? But what if you could change that?

Like a reality version of The Breakfast Club, each episode of If You Really Knew Me takes place at a different high school, and follows five students from different cliques as they go through the life-changing experience of Challenge Day, a one-day program that breaks down the walls between cliques, and completely changes the way students view their school and each other. Watch the amazing transformation each week as new students open up for the first time and try to change by revealing who they really are, behind the cliques and the labels.

http://www.mtv.com/shows/if_you_really_knew_me/series.jhtml


If you really knew me you’d know that I am very quiet and shy when first meeting someone, but when I get comfortable I come out of my shell.

If you really knew me you’d know that even though I don’t regret the reason for why I stayed at home 10 years past the “normal” time you leave home, I still feel like I suffered horrendously when it comes to being sociable.

If you really knew me you’d know that I let on that I am proud that I was home schooled and didn’t have to go through the “pressure” that public school puts on you, but deep inside I wish I would have gone.

If you really knew me you’d know that I worry my sister won’t grow up before she’s 30, which is only 9 months away. I’m scared she will still be at home with no job and no future and no way to find a mate because she won’t get out of the house…which makes me not get out of the house because I don’t want to leave her behind.

If you really knew me you’d know that being your sisters best friend and ONLY friend is not a blessing, it’s a curse. For 26 years we have been each others only friend, besides the few years that we lived next door to our best friends then our parents had a falling out and after that we never got any other friends. We only played with each other. We only had each other to talk to. We were each others life. And now it’s almost impossible to break away without feeling guilt. It’s almost like a divorce, or a break up. It’s like I have been stuck in a marriage for 26 years and I don’t know how to be my own person. I have always followed her lead, she has been the only person I have had as an example….and she’s not who I want to be like.

If you really knew me you’d know that I have such deep sexual desires that run so deep, yet I fear I will never get to satisfy them.

If you really knew me you’d know that somewhere deep inside me I am a little relieved to have PCOS because that is a great reason to tell people that that’s the reason for me not wanting to give birth to my own children…when in reality I just don’t want kids. Or if I do decide I want a child eventually I will adopt. But as of this moment I have no desire to raise a child. It also gives me a different perspective and a better respect for women who do struggle with infertility.

If you really knew me you’d know that I have this HUGE fear of choking or someone else choking.

If you really knew me you’d know that I wish I had the guts to just leave home in the middle of the night, if not for any other reason but to get some real life experience under my belt and to not have such a squeaky clean past.

If you really knew me you’d know that sometimes I feel like a child in an adults body. I feel behind in a lot of ways. I feel like I lost out on a HUGE part of my life. I feel like I am doing what most 18 year olds do, only I’m 26. I’m in the process of getting my life started by becoming a Doula. I want to get my own car. My first car actually. I am a 26 year old virgin and I will be damned if I end up being a 30 year old virgin.

If you really knew me you’d know that I feel smothered by my family. I feel like I can’t breathe with them so close to me. I feel like every move I make they are watching. I know I’m lucky to have had such a good family, but sometimes I wish we weren’t so “perfect”.

If you really knew me you’d know that I still think about Ashley Clark. I will always feel bad that I didn’t say something when she told me what her dad was doing to her. Even though I was a child, I still feel guilt that I didn’t realize what she was saying was really bad. I have tried searching for her online but haven’t been able to find her. If I could find her I would have so much to say.

If you really knew me you’d know I’m afraid to die alone. I’m afraid to die a virgin. I’m afraid to die without accomplishing the things that I have on my bucket list.


If anyone reads this I suggest you write a “if you really knew me” blog because it really allows you to see deeper inside yourself and also lets people see a deeper part of you that you keep hidden.

indirect aggression

My sister is my best friend, yet I feel like I can’t talk to her. Something inside of me locks up when she asks me what’s wrong. Today I was in the floor stretching after walking on the treadmill and she came in and asked if I wanted to do abs with her when I get done, I had my iPod on so when I didn’t answer her she left the room, but I heard her and felt just awful for ignoring her. I instantly got tears in my eyes and got up to go shower before she saw my tears. When I came out of the room she asked if I wanted to do weights with her and I said “No I’m going to shower” and quickly got downstairs before she saw my puddled eyes. I think by my being so mean to her that’s my way of showing her my anger I have from feeling like she’s holding me back from my future and that’s why I have been so moody to her and non responsive…but I think it’s all catching up with me now and I hate what I’m doing to her.

While I was in the shower I cried. I cried buckets of tears. My face looked just awful afterwards, red nose, red eyes and the classic “cry face” I had to stay downstairs for a while after that just to get my face to look normal and so that no one would ask if I had been crying….because my mom is like a hawk, if she sees the “cry face” it’s like a radar goes off inside her and she just knows you’ve been crying. I sat in the floor of the shower (like I have done everyday for the past month) and cried so hard. It was clearly audible so I’m glad I was in the basement where I knew no one would hear me. I cried out of frustration. Anger. Confusion. Loneliness. Sadness. Grief. Jealousy. I cried for 20 minutes solid, it was like I couldn’t stop. All my feelings that I keep bottled up just came pouring out and I couldn’t stop it.

I have a “built in” best friend, yet I am pushing her away and being (indirectly) deliberately mean. Every time she says “I miss you” or “I just want you back like you used to be” or “I want you to laugh with me and play with me like we always do” I want to scream at her “I’M TRYING TO GROW UP SO LEAVE ME ALONE” but I don’t. I just turn my head and don’t say a word, I don’t say a fucking word because I’m a coward.

Today my mom said “Are you ok? Because you haven’t said 5 words in the past 2 days” I wanted to say “Because I’m trying to find the right time to tell you what I want to do with my life….but I’m too fucking scared to say it” but I didn’t say a word, I just laughed it off and said “I’m fine” but I’m not fine.

My sister and I watch the reality t.v. show Big Brother. It’s our favorite show and something that we really get into every summer. Well last night the girl who we absolutely HATE on there won Head Of Household (which means she can nominate two people for eviction) well, I got SO MAD that she won and was now going to go after our favorite people. I was furious over a stupid reality show. Like really, REALLY mad. But I wasn’t mad at the show, I wasn’t mad at the girl who won….I was mad at my situation. Mad at what my reality is. Mad that I am having such a hard time telling my family something that I know they would support me in (well at least my mom and dad would) so I released my anger on Rachel (the girl who won Head of Household) when I really wanted to release my anger about “C” and how I feel like she is holding me back…..Isn’t indirect aggression great?!

before life runs out

It’s times like these that I’m so glad I documented my feelings and emotions while nanny was still alive. Because I can look back and see my fears, hopes and dreams and it gives me that extra boost to get my ass together and make my dreams come to life before life runs out. These few entries are what really make me wake up…….

“I don't have any plans for after she passes, I don't know what I will do or where I will go. I know I want to go, but I don't know how I will get there.

When she does pass I know I will want to get out and finally for once live life and feel life. I want to try things and experience things that I could never tell my family. But I am afraid to leave my sister behind. But I know one day we will HAVE to grow up...i'm just not sure if she can.

I HATE my life right now, I hate how everyone around me is doing fun things and living life and I am sitting by watching it pass me. Life is so short and I want to make the best out of this life, but I can't right now and it SUCKS!

I envy people my age who actually have a life. I envy people who can have boyfriends and girlfriends and go out and experience things and have sex and enjoy life. I want to enjoy life too damn it!”

This opens my eyes and shows me that I AM free now. I’m not trapped here anymore. I can go and do whatever I want. I’m NOT going to be trapped by feeling guilty for leaving “C” behind. I can feel the determination I had when I wrote this. I can feel that I really wanted so much more out of life.

“I can't have my own private life because I am always here. My sister and I are like siamese twins and I feel like I can't separate myself from her. I am scared that once nanny passes away that I will be afraid to move on and do what I want because I will feel like I am leaving her behind.”

Oh how true these words turned out to be. It’s scary how spot on I was.

“Once my time here is done with nanny I am going to leave and explore and experiment with different things. Until then...I can only dream.”

To see how determined I was makes me want to make my dreams come true that much more. These words have really opened my eyes and have given me that extra push to tell my family what I want to do. I am going to do this. I am going to tell them. I am going to make my dreams come true. I will be truly happy for the first time in 9 years. I want to wake up with a bounce in my step. I want to dance through life not just walk. I want to look at my reflection in the mirror and see someone who I can be proud of. I will live each moment to the fullest. I will lay my head down on my pillow every night and be proud of what I have accomplished. I AM going to do this.

the many maybes

Today was a very low day for me. While at work I literally had to fight back tears and I still can’t fully put my finger on why I wanted to cry. Maybe it’s my deep inner fear of “C” getting upset with me and being hurt by my leaving her behind. Maybe it’s my fear of failing. Scared of not being good enough. Scared of driving all the way to St. Louis all by myself. Scared of getting lost. Or maybe I’ve been trapped in these four walls for so long that venturing out into the “real world” scares me and makes me feel insecure. Or maybe, just maybe, I’m scared of what else is going to happen while in St. Louis. My plans to see him for the first time. To see his face. Touch his hands. Look into his eyes and finally be able to tell him what’s really in my heart. For him to be able to see the real me…the me that might not be anything that he is expecting. That could possibly be one of the keys to my nerves….yet the prospect of finally being able to wrap my arms around him makes me so happy and excited that I can hardly contain myself, however, I can’t share my feelings about him with my family because they wouldn’t understand.

While in the shower this afternoon I cried. I let it all out, and yet I still didn’t feel better. I think I feel so low today is August 6th is coming extremely fast, which is the day that our job will be done, and I’m not ready to go back to doing nothing here at home. I like having a job, a place to go, a place to be around other people besides my family, plus getting paid is also a perk. Yet, I HAVE to break away from “C” and if I want to get another job then by God I should be able to get one without feeling guilt. I have to shake this guilt. I have to grow a set of balls and just fucking break free. I have to look out for #1 and it has to start today. The next time “C” gets mad at me for not writing in our fiction story I’m going to finally email her the letter I have written and not look back. I mean time is precious and I’m tired of wasting my life away.

puddle of life

slowly stretching my right arm
out of my comfort level

softly dipping my big toe
into the puddle of life

breathing in the fresh air
of something new

opening my eyes to the bright light
that awaits me

pushing aside the fear
to get to the beauty

swallowing the guilt
in order to find the peace

crushing the insecurity
to make my way to happiness

coming out of my shell
to see my future ahead of me

MY

I don’t want to come into my own life by making “C” mad at me. I don’t want her to hate me. But, I can tell that I have changed from the girl who would HAVE to escape from my life through writing a fiction story, to the girl who now spends most of her night on youtube looking up labor/birth videos. It’s scary, yet refreshing to know that soon MY life will begin. I like the sound of that, MY life. It’s MY life. MY life. MY MY MY life. That sounds so good and I can’t wait to get MY life started. I can’t wait to see MY life grow. I can’t wait to be happy with MY life. It’s MY life for the first time in my life.

I can tell that I’m changing by the way it doesn’t affect me when “C” gets mad at me like it used to. Before when she would get mad I would cater to her and BEG her to be ok and I would talk to her for HOURS on end to make her happy….but lately, I just don’t give two shits. I don’t care if she doesn’t watch Glee because she’s mad at me because I don’t want to read that fucking fake fiction story that we are writing together with a friend. I don’t care if she lays in bed all night long dwelling over it. It’s time she gets faced with the real world and sees the way she behaves is like a 7 year old who doesn’t get her way. I don’t care if she’s afraid to grow up, because I’M NOT AFRAID! I don’t care anymore. I just don’t care. I can’t live my life for her anymore. I can’t put her first before MY needs. Because if I do, ONLY I will lose.

Tonight she totally didn’t hear me when I told her that real life is more important than that damn fiction story. She just looked at me and said “what does that mean?” Ummm I think it’s pretty clear that REAL life is MORE important than a fiction story! I seriously wanted to scream it at her that I am growing up, but like always, I chickened out. *sigh* But I think the next time she brings up the fiction story I’m just going to tell her that I’m spreading my wings and outgrowing the story. I want to create my own story. I want to be in MY story. I want to live MY story. And I really don’t care if I piss her off, because like I have said a million times….I’M NOT LIVING MY LIFE FOR HER!

Last week my mom sister and I started a job working with the summer lunch program for children and I LOVE it. The job is rough and not “picture perfect” but just getting out of the house and being around people feels so good and refreshing. But….like ALWAYS “C” has to shit on it DAILY! I swear the girl has deep mental issues. We work 7am-12pm and when the clock strikes 12 she wants OUT ASAP! We are literally trying to finish putting things away and she has her purse ready to go. Mom gets so mad at her, but “C” NEVER changes. “C” tries to bring me down with her by talking negatively about the job, but I just ignore her and don’t answer. She says the job is just “too much” it’s “too loud” it’s “too much noise” which makes my blood boil. If she doesn’t get a handle on her issues she’s going to end up being a fucking hermit!!!

We have a big family reunion coming up on June 19th with a few family members coming to stay at our house….and guess who is dreading it? Yup you guessed it “C” *rolls eyes* She actually said she won’t go to the reunion because she will be bored and it will be “just too much.” ALL of our family will be there and she just doesn’t want to go. I seriously just want to smack her sometimes. Mom said that the family members who are going to be staying with us want to go back to where they used to live and see it just to reminisce and what not, and “C” said that she doesn’t want to go. She said “that’s not my thing, I just don’t want to go.” But no matter what I’m going to do what I want, if I want to go with them I will. She and I are NOT Siamese twins, even though at times it feels like it *rolls eyes* I think by doing my own thing when they come will show “C” that I’m moving away from her and growing my OWN wings for the first time in 26 years. I think it will surprise her by my doing this, but I want to be around people. I’m not afraid like she is. I need to get out of the house and spread my wings.

“I can’t stand by your side
and watch this life pass me by
so unhappy, but safe as it could be”

Six

Six people that I want to say things to.

1. You are a worthless human being and a lousy father. The day I screamed “fuck you” in your face (three times in a row) and gave you the finger was the best day ever. To say that to your face was a release of anger, frustration and hatred that I had built up for you. I’m glad you’re out of our life. I just feel bad that your kids and soon-to-be ex-wife still have to put up with your bullshit. I have forgiven you (because it’s the right thing to do) but I never want to see you or speak to you again. Good riddens to BAD rubbish!

2. There’s so much I want to say to you, yet don’t know where to even begin. I love you….but in the same breath you drive me crazy at times…..a lot of the times. I wish you would have the desire to do more with your life than what you are doing. I can’t stand how you put more value and thought into writing a fucking fiction story than you do getting your life started. Writing that story is not going to allow you to meet a potential mate/friends. Why can’t you have the desire to grow up!? Sometimes I just want to scream because I’m afraid you’re going to be the one to hold me back because I will feel guilt. But I have to let go of that guilt somehow and show you that I AM changing. I haven’t written in the fiction story in over a week because I’M CHANGING! I am growing. I am spreading my tightly wrapped wings. I want my own life away from you.

3. I wish I could say I don’t have any regrets from anything that has happened with you, but that would be a lie. I wish I knew what was the last thing you remember about me? Was it the time I sassed you because you were frustrating me with how you constantly were going through our bathroom drawers and moving things around? Or was it the time that I slammed my glass down on the kitchen table (splashing my drink all the way to the wall) because you wouldn’t eat and made mom get so mad that she screamed (which was also the first and only time I ever heard my dad say fuck) Or was it one of the countless meals I fed you? I love you and miss the Tuesday nights I used to spend with you.

4. Oh how I miss you. The day you died a part of each of us died along with you. I miss your infectious laugh, your flat top hair. I miss the way you used to “tweak” my nose every time before bed. I miss everything about you. I wish I would have told you more that I loved you. I wish I would have given you more hugs. I miss our Friday night card games.

5. I lay in bed nightly and think about you. I have dreams about you and I even have fantasies about you. You have me captivated and I stand in awe of you. I dream of your arms wrapping around me and holding me tight. I imagine your lips against mine. I imagine your body laying next to me. I dream about the day I get to look into your eyes and tell you all that you mean to me. When I think that I could be just 4 short months away from seeing you, like for real, I get butterflies and tingles deep down in my stomach.

6. It’s ok to be scared. It’s ok to have apprehensions about the future. But, you HAVE to find your own voice and make your own path. If you let anyone take your dreams away or make them seem unattainable then you only got yourself to blame for losing them. Don’t be held back by guilt because if you do then you will end up a 30 year old woman STILL at home! Do you want that? NO! So for the first time in your FUCKING life think about yourself and make our dreams come true. Who knows, maybe you will inspire someone else to get their own life as well?

It's time

It’s time to grow up
it’s time to be me
it’s time to show the world who I am
today I realized that I don’t want to live this make believe land anymore
it’s fun writing and using my mind to create things
but I want to create my own life too
I want to be who I’m meant to be
I’m 26 and a half years old
and it’s time
it’s time
it’s time

I can’t be a child forever
even though for the last 9 years
I wasn’t able to move on
I can’t keep using that as an excuse
I have to move past it
I have to look to the future
I have to live by the saying that I hold dear to my heart
“Live each day as if it was your last”
I can’t live my life for anyone else
if I piss people off
SO BE IT
if “C” feels left behind
that’s HER problem
she has to find her own passion also
which is NOT my passion
she said she wants to be a ‘stay at home mom’
I don’t
how is she supposed to find the other half
to make babies if she won’t get out?
I can’t think about her too much
or I get too upset and pissed off
she’s almost 30.….
and can’t get her life started
life is passing us by each day
and I’m tired of standing still

I have to move
I have to breathe
I have to feel life
I have to grow up
I can’t feel bad
I can’t feel like I’m leaving her behind
because if she wants to stand still
and let life pass her by
SO BE IT

nine years…frozen in time
but now
it’s time
it’s time
it’s time



Come with me, and you'll be
In a world of pure imagination
Take a look and you'll see
Into your imagination

We'll begin, with a spin
Traveling in a world of my creation
What we'll see will defy explanation

And if you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Want to change the world?
There's nothing to it

There is no life I know
To compare with pure imagination
Living there, you'll be free
If you truly wish to be

And if you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Want to change the world?
There's nothing to it

There is no life I know
To compare with pure imagination
Living there, you'll be free
If you truly wish to be

time is running out?

I have this continuing need to run to him
to wrap my arms around him
look him in the eyes
and tell him he is beautiful
the only problem is
I don’t know how I’m supposed to get this to happen
with my life it makes it difficult to do my own thing
I wouldn’t know how to explain it
unless I just tell the truth?
but no one would understand
“C” definitely wouldn’t understand
she would give me that ‘look’ and give me hell
mom and dad probably wouldn’t let me go
even though I’m 26 years old!
I have never gone anywhere EVER on my own
so this would be completely out of my character to do
even though I have dreams that I have never shared with my family
dreams that for some reason, I feel like I can’t share
this is something that I NEED to do sooner than later
because I don’t know if he will be around much longer
I’m afraid that if I don’t do this now, it will be too late
I would regret that forever
I don’t think I would ever get over it

I’m not sure what I want out of it
well I know what my womanhood would want
but I’m not even sure if anything would happen
I don’t even know if I want anything to happen
I just know I have to see him
and he wants to see me as well
I have to see this man who I have talked to, only through emails with
for a year
I just need to hug him
I just have to figure out a way to make this happen
I don’t have my own car
so I can’t just pick up and go in the middle of the night
I feel trapped
I don’t know of anybody who would take me to Bloomington, IN
I feel like time is running out
and I don’t want to go the rest of my life
without knowing how his arms feel around me

I need to feel you
touch you
taste you
heal you
lay with you
pray with you
talk to you
hold you
kiss you

Dear Lacy

(I saw someone else do this and I thought it was beautiful and really makes you see who’s on your side….YOU. It’s beautiful to say these things to yourself and hear the way you really feel about yourself. I suggest that everyone does this. It’s eye opening. I said things that I didn’t even realize I felt. I will definitely be doing this again!)

Dear Lacy,

Even though you have lost out on a huge part of your life, it doesn’t mean you can’t start today and create a new beginning. Each day is a gift, that’s why they call it the present. So grab ahold of it and enjoy every second. The past 9 years wasn’t for nothing, it taught you to have compassion beyond your control, and taught you how to care for someone else. It taught you that you CAN clean up puke, even though you thought you couldn’t. It taught you to wipe a grown adults butt, even when you felt embarrassed, because after a while, the embarrassment went away and it was just part of your everyday life. The strength you possessed during those 9 years is something that nothing else in the word could have given you or taught you.

I am so proud of you for seeing it through, even though you wanted to give up a few times. I remember the nights that you would cry yourself to sleep, or the times that you would have just awful feedings and feel like you wanted to pull your hair out….but you found a beautiful inner strength that allowed you to dust yourself off and continue with that journey with a beautiful spirit.

But now it’s time to look forward and focus on your future and what makes YOU happy. Don’t be held back by “C” and don’t think you CAN’T when clearly you CAN. DON’T let her keep you in the rut that you so desperately want out of. DON’T lose out on your life just because she’s got issues with change/growth/meeting new people/leaving the house….the list goes on and on and on and on. If you get the opportunity to meet people or get asked out by a new friend or even Katie, to go to the movies, dinner etc. then by God GO! Don’t be controlled by “C” you deserve to have a life. You are 26 years old and it’s time you start your life.

The strength you got from helping with Nanny is the strength you are going to use throughout your life. In those times that you get scared or are afraid of failure, remember the day that you held Nanny in the car when she was having those seizures while mom was driving to the hospital. That gave you such a strength that even you don’t realize it gave you.

And when all else fails, just BREATHE! You will be ok. You just need to find your passion and what makes you happy. And you need to get out more and meet people. You have been cooped up for long enough, and now it’s time my little cocoon, to spread those colorful wings and fly like the beautiful butterfly I know you are. I have faith in you to chase your dreams and to make a difference in this world. When you put your mind to something it’s amazing at what kind of things can happen.

In closing, I want you to know that you are beautiful. Even though I know you hate your crooked nose, your chin, your breasts that are different sizes, your acne that doesn’t go away because of your PCOS and your eyebrows. But none of that matters because YOU are beautiful. You have a heart of gold that would truly do anything for anyone...including giving Natalie’s family $500.00 for Christmas two years in a row.

Always know I love you and I only want to best for you, and I’m right beside you cheering you on!

Sincerely,
-Lacy

breathe

(Written 3.12.10)


new beginnings happen
when we least expect them
it can happen on any given day
Nanny passed away on a Monday
which started a new beginning for us all
today is Friday, and a new beginning is upon us again
just when things felt like they were spiraling out of control
God steps in and gives me hope
today was a great day
I feel like I can breathe so much easier
life is good
I was so close to running
but now it looks like I may get my life started
I may get my wish and be able to get on with MY life
I’m ready
I’m ready
I’m ready

leaving on a Greyhound?

looking for adventure
looking for experience
looking for life
looking for something more
looking to find myself
somewhere out there

i’m scared of what awaits me
I don’t know what the future holds
all I know is there has to be more

I have doubts
i’m scared my family will be mad
what if they don’t understand?
what if they think differently of me?
what if they think i’m weird

but, it’s MY life
it’s what I want
it’s about finding MY happiness
it’s not about pleasing others anymore
it’s about FINALLY pleasing myself

I was selfless for 9 years
now it’s time to be selfish
i’m ready
i’m ready
i’m ready

breathe in breathe out
faith or fear?
it’s the choice I have to make
but which one will I choose?

am I too scared to do it alone?
what if something bad happens?
what if I run out of money?
what if I get robbed?
what if I don’t go
and I regret it?

faith or fear?
seems like a simple choice
don’t you think?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me

I just wanna be HAPPY

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

held back

nine years of being closed off from the world
and now it’s time to spread my wings
create my own life
find my true happiness
I thought it would be easy
to start my life
but it’s more of a struggle
then what I even know

I ask myself “why” all the time
why am I scared?
why am I holding back?
why am I purposely not finding my joy?
and I think it’s because of “C”
it pisses me off that she’s holding me back
I don’t know why I don’t want to
move on without her
it shouldn’t be my problem
yet I feel like it is
she has problems…that’s very clear
and because of her problems
I’m missing out on MY life

I don’t know how to fix it
I don’t know how to change
I don’t know how to be an individual
I don’t know how she can not care


Wanna scream out
No more hiding
Don’t be afraid of what’s inside
Gonna tell ya you’ll be alright
In the Aftermath
Anytime anybody pulls you down
Anytime anybody says you’re not allowed
Just remember you are not alone
In the Aftermath

Adam Lambert – Aftermath