“I don't have any plans for after she passes, I don't know what I will do or where I will go. I know I want to go, but I don't know how I will get there.
When she does pass I know I will want to get out and finally for once live life and feel life. I want to try things and experience things that I could never tell my family. But I am afraid to leave my sister behind. But I know one day we will HAVE to grow up...i'm just not sure if she can.
I HATE my life right now, I hate how everyone around me is doing fun things and living life and I am sitting by watching it pass me. Life is so short and I want to make the best out of this life, but I can't right now and it SUCKS!
I envy people my age who actually have a life. I envy people who can have boyfriends and girlfriends and go out and experience things and have sex and enjoy life. I want to enjoy life too damn it!”
This opens my eyes and shows me that I AM free now. I’m not trapped here anymore. I can go and do whatever I want. I’m NOT going to be trapped by feeling guilty for leaving “C” behind. I can feel the determination I had when I wrote this. I can feel that I really wanted so much more out of life.
“I can't have my own private life because I am always here. My sister and I are like siamese twins and I feel like I can't separate myself from her. I am scared that once nanny passes away that I will be afraid to move on and do what I want because I will feel like I am leaving her behind.”
Oh how true these words turned out to be. It’s scary how spot on I was.
“Once my time here is done with nanny I am going to leave and explore and experiment with different things. Until then...I can only dream.”
To see how determined I was makes me want to make my dreams come true that much more. These words have really opened my eyes and have given me that extra push to tell my family what I want to do. I am going to do this. I am going to tell them. I am going to make my dreams come true. I will be truly happy for the first time in 9 years. I want to wake up with a bounce in my step. I want to dance through life not just walk. I want to look at my reflection in the mirror and see someone who I can be proud of. I will live each moment to the fullest. I will lay my head down on my pillow every night and be proud of what I have accomplished. I AM going to do this.
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