I just love the ups and downs of my life. What was supposed to be a day that I would always remember, turned out to be a day that I was sick with the flu and had to cancel. Here's the story......
I signed up for this local dating website last week just to be able to talk to people that live near me and see where things could progress from there. Well I met this woman who is from here and works at Wal-Mart and we got to talking and decided to meet in public at Wal-Mart Tuesday morning. So we meet and it’s really good. We sat in my car and chatted and she even showed me her nipple ring….which OMG WAS HOT!!!! So needless to say I couldn’t wait until we had more private time together. So when I got home that day I emailed her and asked if she would want to hang out at her house Friday. So the date was made and I was so excited. After so long of yearning for this it is finally happening, I couldn’t believe it!
Well………………………………
Tuesday night I wake up at 1:00am throwing up, and continued to throw up every hour on the hour that night and all day Wednesday. So Thursday I email her and tell her I have to cancel because I’m sick and just so weak and that we will have to reschedule when I feel better.
Well………………………………
Today I email her and tell her I’m feeling so much better and she said “I’m with someone now”. Talk about having someone come along and burst my bubble. Not just burst it, but shatter it. Here I was so excited to finally be able to take this step with a woman and to have it just explode right in my face.
Needless to say, I am not too happy. I wonder to myself why did this happen? Why would I get so close to something that I want so badly, only to have it explode in my face? And the only thing I can think of is there is another woman out there even better than this one that I will be able to have a beautiful time with. I mean this woman definitely wasn’t perfect. She smoked, which I HATE. She has a son. She definitely lives a rough life, such as bar fights, beer bottles broken on her face, crazy girls calling her 119 times a day and she has a room mate so privacy was going to be hard and just cause me stress while we would be doing anything because I would be worrying that her male roommate would walk in on us. So I can only hope that I will be able to find another woman that will be able to meet my standards a little bit better.
Even though I am highly bummed, I know it all worked out the way it was supposed to. Maybe I’m an extreme optimist, but being an optimist is what’s going to keep me moving on and looking forward and not get too upset about this. Because I could easily get discouraged and depressed and not put myself out there again. I mean after all this was VERY hard to put myself out there and be so vulnerable like this, but it also felt really good at the same time.
So the moral to this story…..keep on keeping on. Don’t get discouraged and don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. Because eventually putting yourself out there will pay off.
12.12.2010
12.07.2010
adulthood
How can so much change in just 2 days! Looks like I won't be lonely after Friday! I'm so excited!!!!!!! This is definitely a year of firsts, and another new first will happen this Friday.
Welcome to adulthood Lacy, see all the fun you have been missing!
Welcome to adulthood Lacy, see all the fun you have been missing!
12.05.2010
lonely
I’m so lonely. Like really, really lonely. I try to fill my life with these “virtual friends” who only talk to me online but I know nothing will ever happen in real life. I try to think that they really like me and enjoy talking to me, but every time they let me down in one way or another. Maybe this is teaching me a lesson, maybe I should stop trying to fill this empty void in myself with “internet friends” and maybe I should get out and get real friends. And that sounds so much easier than it actually is.
Ever since we got back from Kansas after Thanksgiving I have been really sad, and I know part of it was because it was Nanny’s one year anniversary of her death on November 30th and there were many emotions filling that day. But one thing that I was really upset about was that I had thought by the one year anniversary I would be out doing things. And yet once again I let myself down. Why do I do that? Why do I think all these great and wonderful things, and yet nothing ever happens? Why do I set myself up for failure?
Sometimes it scares me the things I think. It scares me to think of what I have been thinking about lately. Because I know how easy it would be to succumb to the things I am thinking and wanting if someone showed interest in me. But no one shows interest in me….except these couple guys that I’ve been chatting with online….and I don’t want to get myself into trouble but I can’t help what my inner desires wants….it’s like I can’t control it. My body and mind yearn for some excitement in my life, and I won’t be satisfied until I get it.
And lately it’s like I just don’t care….about anything. I didn’t even care if we put up a Christmas tree, I don’t care about my sisters feelings…..I just don’t care about anything……and that scares me. I feel like if I write about this stuff then maybe I won’t feel it, but I know that’s just not true. I know as soon as I hit “post” I will go back to my life and all these things will still be very much real. My mom asked me if I think I have depression and I told her no because I really don’t think I do. I think it’s more situational depression and once I get some space and independence I will be much happier.
Sometimes the sound of my mom’s voice just pisses me off instantly. Like if she tells me to do something I just want to scream at her to shut the hell up, but of course I don’t. And if my sister talks to me I just want to cover my ears and ignore her, and I know why I feel that way, but I’m scared that this feeling will never change. Sometimes I feel like if I just left today and never came back that I would be ok and not miss them like how one might miss their family. I’m just so sick and tired of their bullshit. I’m so sick and tired of being a “child”. I’m so sick and tired of living the same fucking boring life. I’m sick and tired of my sister. And I know that I’m fortunate to have such a “good” family. They never abused me, I got pretty much what I wanted and all my needs were met…..well every need was met except socially. And for that I blame my mom, and that is where my anger towards her comes from I think. There’s a reason why 18 is the age kids leave home, because by the time you’re 27 you don’t need to be parented. Being at home at 27 (and 29 for my sister) is just preventing us from growing up. It’s keeping us in this childlike mentality and we will never grow up while living in this fucking prison. I’m so sick of it all.
Ever since we got back from Kansas after Thanksgiving I have been really sad, and I know part of it was because it was Nanny’s one year anniversary of her death on November 30th and there were many emotions filling that day. But one thing that I was really upset about was that I had thought by the one year anniversary I would be out doing things. And yet once again I let myself down. Why do I do that? Why do I think all these great and wonderful things, and yet nothing ever happens? Why do I set myself up for failure?
Sometimes it scares me the things I think. It scares me to think of what I have been thinking about lately. Because I know how easy it would be to succumb to the things I am thinking and wanting if someone showed interest in me. But no one shows interest in me….except these couple guys that I’ve been chatting with online….and I don’t want to get myself into trouble but I can’t help what my inner desires wants….it’s like I can’t control it. My body and mind yearn for some excitement in my life, and I won’t be satisfied until I get it.
And lately it’s like I just don’t care….about anything. I didn’t even care if we put up a Christmas tree, I don’t care about my sisters feelings…..I just don’t care about anything……and that scares me. I feel like if I write about this stuff then maybe I won’t feel it, but I know that’s just not true. I know as soon as I hit “post” I will go back to my life and all these things will still be very much real. My mom asked me if I think I have depression and I told her no because I really don’t think I do. I think it’s more situational depression and once I get some space and independence I will be much happier.
Sometimes the sound of my mom’s voice just pisses me off instantly. Like if she tells me to do something I just want to scream at her to shut the hell up, but of course I don’t. And if my sister talks to me I just want to cover my ears and ignore her, and I know why I feel that way, but I’m scared that this feeling will never change. Sometimes I feel like if I just left today and never came back that I would be ok and not miss them like how one might miss their family. I’m just so sick and tired of their bullshit. I’m so sick and tired of being a “child”. I’m so sick and tired of living the same fucking boring life. I’m sick and tired of my sister. And I know that I’m fortunate to have such a “good” family. They never abused me, I got pretty much what I wanted and all my needs were met…..well every need was met except socially. And for that I blame my mom, and that is where my anger towards her comes from I think. There’s a reason why 18 is the age kids leave home, because by the time you’re 27 you don’t need to be parented. Being at home at 27 (and 29 for my sister) is just preventing us from growing up. It’s keeping us in this childlike mentality and we will never grow up while living in this fucking prison. I’m so sick of it all.
10.29.2010
27 years lived
I have been on this earth for 27 years now. 27 years of life lived, yet I feel like I have only lived half a life. Last year at this time I was cleaning up puke because Nanny had pneumonia. This year I have freedom and I am sad about that. I’m not sad that she is no longer living in misery, but I’m sad that I don’t have a purpose anymore. I know in time I will find my purpose, but at this moment, right this second, I’m scared out of my mind. I need to find a “real” job that I can start making some real money so I can get out of this house. And plus having a job will at least make me feel like I’m contributing to this world and I won’t feel like I’m wasting away to nothing. I want to leave my foot print on this earth, as well as on the hearts of people.
This morning as I was standing in the shower washing my hair the tears came, as they do every year on my birthday. And as I stood there with the hot water pouring over my body, the tears were pouring down my face and I had that same panic feeling that I have had every year for the past few years. All I can think is “You are 27 years old, get your life together, girl!” Now that Nanny is no longer here I feel this immense pressure, this uncontrollable pull to get away from this house, to get out on my own, to live my own life, but in order to get out I have to have a job, car and enough money to pay for an apartment.
I no longer feel bad to leave “C” behind. I no longer feel like if I get out that I am leaving her alone. Because eventually she has to grow up too, and I can’t be enabling her any longer, just like mom and dad shouldn’t continue to enable either of us. They should be pushing us out. They should be helping us get our lives started. Yes, they will support us in whatever we do, but they just aren’t actively helping. Eventually she will grow up too, it may just take her a little longer. But I’m not going to keep being pulled down because she’s not ready to grow up and act like an adult. I don’t want to look back on my life and have this intense anger towards her because she held me back. I don’t want to look back on my life and see that I wasted this part of it because of her. I can’t have that anger towards her knowing it would be her fault if I don’t get out on my own.
Here are just 5 things that I want to accomplish in my 27th year of life. In no particular order.
1. Get a job
2. Get a car
3. Get an apartment
4. Get independence
5. Have more sex
This past year I have changed a lot. The moment Nanny died was the beginning of my new life, and it saddens me that her dying is what gave me my new life. This past year I stepped out of my comfort zone A LOT! I took the Doula class that I have wanted to do for so long. I stayed in a hotel alone. I met Eric, which was better then I ever could have imagined. I lost my virginity….which was a dream come true. I stopped watching kids, which is a HUGE blessing and took A LOT of stress off of me. And I am beginning to get to know myself in a whole new way. I feel myself maturing and growing up. I feel that I’m getting myself prepared and ready to be on my own. I don’t feel like depending on my family so much anymore. I’m ready to be independent. I’m ready to be the grown up me.
This morning as I was standing in the shower washing my hair the tears came, as they do every year on my birthday. And as I stood there with the hot water pouring over my body, the tears were pouring down my face and I had that same panic feeling that I have had every year for the past few years. All I can think is “You are 27 years old, get your life together, girl!” Now that Nanny is no longer here I feel this immense pressure, this uncontrollable pull to get away from this house, to get out on my own, to live my own life, but in order to get out I have to have a job, car and enough money to pay for an apartment.
I no longer feel bad to leave “C” behind. I no longer feel like if I get out that I am leaving her alone. Because eventually she has to grow up too, and I can’t be enabling her any longer, just like mom and dad shouldn’t continue to enable either of us. They should be pushing us out. They should be helping us get our lives started. Yes, they will support us in whatever we do, but they just aren’t actively helping. Eventually she will grow up too, it may just take her a little longer. But I’m not going to keep being pulled down because she’s not ready to grow up and act like an adult. I don’t want to look back on my life and have this intense anger towards her because she held me back. I don’t want to look back on my life and see that I wasted this part of it because of her. I can’t have that anger towards her knowing it would be her fault if I don’t get out on my own.
Here are just 5 things that I want to accomplish in my 27th year of life. In no particular order.
1. Get a job
2. Get a car
3. Get an apartment
4. Get independence
5. Have more sex
This past year I have changed a lot. The moment Nanny died was the beginning of my new life, and it saddens me that her dying is what gave me my new life. This past year I stepped out of my comfort zone A LOT! I took the Doula class that I have wanted to do for so long. I stayed in a hotel alone. I met Eric, which was better then I ever could have imagined. I lost my virginity….which was a dream come true. I stopped watching kids, which is a HUGE blessing and took A LOT of stress off of me. And I am beginning to get to know myself in a whole new way. I feel myself maturing and growing up. I feel that I’m getting myself prepared and ready to be on my own. I don’t feel like depending on my family so much anymore. I’m ready to be independent. I’m ready to be the grown up me.
10.28.2010
to my 27 year old self
To my 27 year old self,
This year is going to be YOUR year. This past year has been an emotional one for you and one that has really begun to shape who you are supposed to be. You know that those 9 years are not wasted, but they are to be treasured and tucked away in a safe place that you look back on and see how much you learned from that experience and how you grew. But now it’s time to put that stuff behind you and move forward. It’s time you focus on yourself for the first time in your entire life. It’s time you stop living life for others and live life for yourself. If you make decisions that your parents would frown upon SO FUCKING WHAT! It’s not their life to live. This is your life and you shouldn’t have to make apologies for what you do. If it makes you happy, do it. If you want to try something, try it. Live your life for you and make no excuses. Because in the end we only have this one life to live and why live it for others.
I have faith in you to make your dreams come true. I know you will be able to accomplish everything you want to this year. You will be able to live on your own. You will be able to see Eric again. You will be able to do whatever you want whenever you want with whoever you want. I have faith in you and I believe in you. Just don’t let your fears get the best of you. Don’t let your guilt swallow you up. And don’t forget to live your life the way you want to.
You will always have me to lean on. After all, I am the only person who you can really depend on in this life. I will never let you down. I will never disappoint you. I will never betray you. I will never hurt you in any way. And I will always love you. Stay strong and make sure you make your 27th year fantastic.
Happy Birthday!
All my love,
Your 26 year old self
This year is going to be YOUR year. This past year has been an emotional one for you and one that has really begun to shape who you are supposed to be. You know that those 9 years are not wasted, but they are to be treasured and tucked away in a safe place that you look back on and see how much you learned from that experience and how you grew. But now it’s time to put that stuff behind you and move forward. It’s time you focus on yourself for the first time in your entire life. It’s time you stop living life for others and live life for yourself. If you make decisions that your parents would frown upon SO FUCKING WHAT! It’s not their life to live. This is your life and you shouldn’t have to make apologies for what you do. If it makes you happy, do it. If you want to try something, try it. Live your life for you and make no excuses. Because in the end we only have this one life to live and why live it for others.
I have faith in you to make your dreams come true. I know you will be able to accomplish everything you want to this year. You will be able to live on your own. You will be able to see Eric again. You will be able to do whatever you want whenever you want with whoever you want. I have faith in you and I believe in you. Just don’t let your fears get the best of you. Don’t let your guilt swallow you up. And don’t forget to live your life the way you want to.
You will always have me to lean on. After all, I am the only person who you can really depend on in this life. I will never let you down. I will never disappoint you. I will never betray you. I will never hurt you in any way. And I will always love you. Stay strong and make sure you make your 27th year fantastic.
Happy Birthday!
All my love,
Your 26 year old self
10.13.2010
left a girl....came back a woman
This past weekend was the best weekend of my life so far. Not only did I become a Trained Doula, I got to finally meet Eric. It was truly magical. Those first few moments together were so surreal, it was hard for me to accept that this was really happening. I had a moment of “What the fuck am I doing letting a strange man stay in my hotel room with me?” But as soon as we hugged that thought quickly disappeared.
It’s funny to look at my blog titled “I just want to be Jen Linley” because in a matter of two weeks I had a “Jen Linley” weekend. I can no longer call myself a 26 year old virgin and it feels damn good. The way he touched me was like an angel touching me. He was so soft and gentle and so romantic. I couldn’t have asked for a better first time. It all happened in room 304, a room that will always hold a special place in my heart, and 10.11.10 is the date that will forever be with me. I won’t go into too much detail about it because it’s something special that I don’t really want to share with the rest of the world.
When we said goodbye on Monday it felt as though my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I cried such heartbreaking tears as I watched him drive off. The main reason I cried so much is because I’m afraid I will never see him again. He has kidney cancer that has metastasized. So my first time with him, could have been my last and that breaks my heart. He gave me such sweet gifts that I will cherish for the rest of my life. He also gave me a t-shirt of his that I have been sleeping with every night since we said goodbye, and I plan on sleeping with it forever.
This was a weekend I will never forget. A weekend that changed my life in more ways than one. A weekend that made me a woman. I look forward to getting my first birth and getting my life started. I look forward to my future. I’m one step closer to freedom and it feels damn good.
“The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave
To the dark and the empty skies my love
The first time ever I kissed your mouth
I felt the earth move through my hand
Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
That was there at my command my love
The first time ever I lay with you
And felt your heart so close to mine
The first time ever I saw your face”
It’s funny to look at my blog titled “I just want to be Jen Linley” because in a matter of two weeks I had a “Jen Linley” weekend. I can no longer call myself a 26 year old virgin and it feels damn good. The way he touched me was like an angel touching me. He was so soft and gentle and so romantic. I couldn’t have asked for a better first time. It all happened in room 304, a room that will always hold a special place in my heart, and 10.11.10 is the date that will forever be with me. I won’t go into too much detail about it because it’s something special that I don’t really want to share with the rest of the world.
When we said goodbye on Monday it felt as though my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I cried such heartbreaking tears as I watched him drive off. The main reason I cried so much is because I’m afraid I will never see him again. He has kidney cancer that has metastasized. So my first time with him, could have been my last and that breaks my heart. He gave me such sweet gifts that I will cherish for the rest of my life. He also gave me a t-shirt of his that I have been sleeping with every night since we said goodbye, and I plan on sleeping with it forever.
This was a weekend I will never forget. A weekend that changed my life in more ways than one. A weekend that made me a woman. I look forward to getting my first birth and getting my life started. I look forward to my future. I’m one step closer to freedom and it feels damn good.
“The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave
To the dark and the empty skies my love
The first time ever I kissed your mouth
I felt the earth move through my hand
Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
That was there at my command my love
The first time ever I lay with you
And felt your heart so close to mine
The first time ever I saw your face”
10.06.2010
porcelain doll
porcelain doll locked in her little glass cage
unable to move, she’s become filled with rage
she tries to escape through a crack in the glass
but the guard quickly comes and knocks her back on her ass
they won’t let her out, they are afraid she will get injured
so they keep her locked up, keep her captured
the porcelain doll finally plans her big escape
she rips off the shackles and bites through the tape
she sees the open road in front of her and her heart swells
no time for goodbyes, no time for farewells
she has her eye on one thing, and that one thing she will achieve
she has to break free, she just has to believe
her dreams are in front of her, freedom she can finally smell
with tears in her eyes “I’M FREE” she happily yells
porcelain doll will come back with a secret she can tell no one
her weekend was spent with a special someone
she wants to grow up, she doesn’t want to be Peter Pan anymore
it’s time she gets out, it’s time for her to explore
unable to move, she’s become filled with rage
she tries to escape through a crack in the glass
but the guard quickly comes and knocks her back on her ass
they won’t let her out, they are afraid she will get injured
so they keep her locked up, keep her captured
the porcelain doll finally plans her big escape
she rips off the shackles and bites through the tape
she sees the open road in front of her and her heart swells
no time for goodbyes, no time for farewells
she has her eye on one thing, and that one thing she will achieve
she has to break free, she just has to believe
her dreams are in front of her, freedom she can finally smell
with tears in her eyes “I’M FREE” she happily yells
porcelain doll will come back with a secret she can tell no one
her weekend was spent with a special someone
she wants to grow up, she doesn’t want to be Peter Pan anymore
it’s time she gets out, it’s time for her to explore
9.28.2010
i just want to be Jen Linley
When I watch t.v. shows I always look at all the characters and try to imagine which one I would be if that was my life. Like on Dawson’s Creek I would have been Joey Potter (the good girl of the show). In every teen drama series there is always the good girl, bad girl, good guy and bad guy. Jen Linley was the bad girl on Dawson’s Creek. She’s the one who had sex on her parents bed. She got drunk. She had sex with different people. She tried drugs. She was nowhere near perfect. Joey Potter was the one who took care of her pregnant teen sister. She helped take care of the baby when it was born. She was a virgin. She never did anything wrong. Ever.
In my personal life I have never done anything “bad.” I have been drunk once in my life, but it wasn’t worth it. I was 16 years old and was alone at my Nanny’s house (she was in bed) and I got drunk on wine. I didn’t mean to, but it just happened. But that was my one and only time that I ever did anything “wrong”.
I wish I had a more dirty past. I wish I had some dust on me. Some dirt. Some rust here and there. But I don’t. I don’t have any life experience in doing things a little risky like most people do. I’m so tired of being Joey Potter. I’m so tired of being the good girl. I’m so tired of always being put together. For once in my life, just once I want to be Jen Linley. For just once I don’t want to be put together. I want to do something that will get me dirty. That will make me be not so “perfect”…..but, I have no way to get dirty. I have nobody to get dirty with. And I’m not just talking about sex, although that is something that I want to do so desperately. I just want to do something wrong. And that may sound silly to most people that read this, but nobody understands what it feels like to be so perfect. When my mom talks about my teen years to other people she always says how perfect I was. How I never did anything wrong. How I wasn’t the normal teen. And all I want to do when she says those things is run screaming because I’m so tired of being perfect. I’m tired of being the girl that stayed home 9 years past the normal time of when you typically leave the house to help her dying grandmother. I’m tired of being the girl that’s a virgin at 26 years old. I’m tired of being the girl that is still living at home. I’m so tired of being perfect. I’m tired of this “good girl” label. In every teen drama series the “good girl” ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS has her moment of naughtiness. Her moment of imperfectness. Her moment to do her bad thing. And my moment is just waiting on me to fulfill it. I will get my moment.
Lately I have been watching “Queer As Folk” episodes on youtube and find myself very jealous of Brian Kinney. I mean yes his lifestyle is definitely EXTREME. But the freedom he has. The way he can enter a club and have anyone he wants without anyone telling him he can’t. Without the weight of letting people down. Without his family conjoined to his hip and holding him back. I love the way he doesn’t give a crap about who he hurts. For just once in my life I want to not care what people think of me. I want to not care that I’m going to let my family down. I want to not give a crap about anyone but myself.
I always write these blogs about my inner thoughts and wants and needs and desires, yet I can never seem to write about what I really want to write about. I want to write about things I’m doing in my life that’s exciting. I want to write about my friends that I meet. Things that I do. And I guess the only thing that gives me hope that one day I will be writing about that stuff is that I am finally going through this Doula class that I have been wanting to do for a long time. So as long as I can hold on to that and know better days are coming, I can get through one more day of loneliness. One more day of being “perfect.” One more day of being Joey Potter. And one more day closer to Jen Linley.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muSGWDb4m_0
In my personal life I have never done anything “bad.” I have been drunk once in my life, but it wasn’t worth it. I was 16 years old and was alone at my Nanny’s house (she was in bed) and I got drunk on wine. I didn’t mean to, but it just happened. But that was my one and only time that I ever did anything “wrong”.
I wish I had a more dirty past. I wish I had some dust on me. Some dirt. Some rust here and there. But I don’t. I don’t have any life experience in doing things a little risky like most people do. I’m so tired of being Joey Potter. I’m so tired of being the good girl. I’m so tired of always being put together. For once in my life, just once I want to be Jen Linley. For just once I don’t want to be put together. I want to do something that will get me dirty. That will make me be not so “perfect”…..but, I have no way to get dirty. I have nobody to get dirty with. And I’m not just talking about sex, although that is something that I want to do so desperately. I just want to do something wrong. And that may sound silly to most people that read this, but nobody understands what it feels like to be so perfect. When my mom talks about my teen years to other people she always says how perfect I was. How I never did anything wrong. How I wasn’t the normal teen. And all I want to do when she says those things is run screaming because I’m so tired of being perfect. I’m tired of being the girl that stayed home 9 years past the normal time of when you typically leave the house to help her dying grandmother. I’m tired of being the girl that’s a virgin at 26 years old. I’m tired of being the girl that is still living at home. I’m so tired of being perfect. I’m tired of this “good girl” label. In every teen drama series the “good girl” ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS has her moment of naughtiness. Her moment of imperfectness. Her moment to do her bad thing. And my moment is just waiting on me to fulfill it. I will get my moment.
Lately I have been watching “Queer As Folk” episodes on youtube and find myself very jealous of Brian Kinney. I mean yes his lifestyle is definitely EXTREME. But the freedom he has. The way he can enter a club and have anyone he wants without anyone telling him he can’t. Without the weight of letting people down. Without his family conjoined to his hip and holding him back. I love the way he doesn’t give a crap about who he hurts. For just once in my life I want to not care what people think of me. I want to not care that I’m going to let my family down. I want to not give a crap about anyone but myself.
I always write these blogs about my inner thoughts and wants and needs and desires, yet I can never seem to write about what I really want to write about. I want to write about things I’m doing in my life that’s exciting. I want to write about my friends that I meet. Things that I do. And I guess the only thing that gives me hope that one day I will be writing about that stuff is that I am finally going through this Doula class that I have been wanting to do for a long time. So as long as I can hold on to that and know better days are coming, I can get through one more day of loneliness. One more day of being “perfect.” One more day of being Joey Potter. And one more day closer to Jen Linley.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muSGWDb4m_0
9.19.2010
if you really knew me
“If You Really Knew Me“ on MTV should be required viewing for ALL. In high school, there are the students who rule the school -- like jocks, cheerleaders, and the popular kids -- and the ones who get picked on -- like nerds, emos, and outcasts. That's just high school, right? But what if you could change that?
Like a reality version of The Breakfast Club, each episode of If You Really Knew Me takes place at a different high school, and follows five students from different cliques as they go through the life-changing experience of Challenge Day, a one-day program that breaks down the walls between cliques, and completely changes the way students view their school and each other. Watch the amazing transformation each week as new students open up for the first time and try to change by revealing who they really are, behind the cliques and the labels.
http://www.mtv.com/shows/if_you_really_knew_me/series.jhtml
If you really knew me you’d know that I am very quiet and shy when first meeting someone, but when I get comfortable I come out of my shell.
If you really knew me you’d know that even though I don’t regret the reason for why I stayed at home 10 years past the “normal” time you leave home, I still feel like I suffered horrendously when it comes to being sociable.
If you really knew me you’d know that I let on that I am proud that I was home schooled and didn’t have to go through the “pressure” that public school puts on you, but deep inside I wish I would have gone.
If you really knew me you’d know that I worry my sister won’t grow up before she’s 30, which is only 9 months away. I’m scared she will still be at home with no job and no future and no way to find a mate because she won’t get out of the house…which makes me not get out of the house because I don’t want to leave her behind.
If you really knew me you’d know that being your sisters best friend and ONLY friend is not a blessing, it’s a curse. For 26 years we have been each others only friend, besides the few years that we lived next door to our best friends then our parents had a falling out and after that we never got any other friends. We only played with each other. We only had each other to talk to. We were each others life. And now it’s almost impossible to break away without feeling guilt. It’s almost like a divorce, or a break up. It’s like I have been stuck in a marriage for 26 years and I don’t know how to be my own person. I have always followed her lead, she has been the only person I have had as an example….and she’s not who I want to be like.
If you really knew me you’d know that I have such deep sexual desires that run so deep, yet I fear I will never get to satisfy them.
If you really knew me you’d know that somewhere deep inside me I am a little relieved to have PCOS because that is a great reason to tell people that that’s the reason for me not wanting to give birth to my own children…when in reality I just don’t want kids. Or if I do decide I want a child eventually I will adopt. But as of this moment I have no desire to raise a child. It also gives me a different perspective and a better respect for women who do struggle with infertility.
If you really knew me you’d know that I have this HUGE fear of choking or someone else choking.
If you really knew me you’d know that I wish I had the guts to just leave home in the middle of the night, if not for any other reason but to get some real life experience under my belt and to not have such a squeaky clean past.
If you really knew me you’d know that sometimes I feel like a child in an adults body. I feel behind in a lot of ways. I feel like I lost out on a HUGE part of my life. I feel like I am doing what most 18 year olds do, only I’m 26. I’m in the process of getting my life started by becoming a Doula. I want to get my own car. My first car actually. I am a 26 year old virgin and I will be damned if I end up being a 30 year old virgin.
If you really knew me you’d know that I feel smothered by my family. I feel like I can’t breathe with them so close to me. I feel like every move I make they are watching. I know I’m lucky to have had such a good family, but sometimes I wish we weren’t so “perfect”.
If you really knew me you’d know that I still think about Ashley Clark. I will always feel bad that I didn’t say something when she told me what her dad was doing to her. Even though I was a child, I still feel guilt that I didn’t realize what she was saying was really bad. I have tried searching for her online but haven’t been able to find her. If I could find her I would have so much to say.
If you really knew me you’d know I’m afraid to die alone. I’m afraid to die a virgin. I’m afraid to die without accomplishing the things that I have on my bucket list.
If anyone reads this I suggest you write a “if you really knew me” blog because it really allows you to see deeper inside yourself and also lets people see a deeper part of you that you keep hidden.
Like a reality version of The Breakfast Club, each episode of If You Really Knew Me takes place at a different high school, and follows five students from different cliques as they go through the life-changing experience of Challenge Day, a one-day program that breaks down the walls between cliques, and completely changes the way students view their school and each other. Watch the amazing transformation each week as new students open up for the first time and try to change by revealing who they really are, behind the cliques and the labels.
http://www.mtv.com/shows/if_you_really_knew_me/series.jhtml
If you really knew me you’d know that I am very quiet and shy when first meeting someone, but when I get comfortable I come out of my shell.
If you really knew me you’d know that even though I don’t regret the reason for why I stayed at home 10 years past the “normal” time you leave home, I still feel like I suffered horrendously when it comes to being sociable.
If you really knew me you’d know that I let on that I am proud that I was home schooled and didn’t have to go through the “pressure” that public school puts on you, but deep inside I wish I would have gone.
If you really knew me you’d know that I worry my sister won’t grow up before she’s 30, which is only 9 months away. I’m scared she will still be at home with no job and no future and no way to find a mate because she won’t get out of the house…which makes me not get out of the house because I don’t want to leave her behind.
If you really knew me you’d know that being your sisters best friend and ONLY friend is not a blessing, it’s a curse. For 26 years we have been each others only friend, besides the few years that we lived next door to our best friends then our parents had a falling out and after that we never got any other friends. We only played with each other. We only had each other to talk to. We were each others life. And now it’s almost impossible to break away without feeling guilt. It’s almost like a divorce, or a break up. It’s like I have been stuck in a marriage for 26 years and I don’t know how to be my own person. I have always followed her lead, she has been the only person I have had as an example….and she’s not who I want to be like.
If you really knew me you’d know that I have such deep sexual desires that run so deep, yet I fear I will never get to satisfy them.
If you really knew me you’d know that somewhere deep inside me I am a little relieved to have PCOS because that is a great reason to tell people that that’s the reason for me not wanting to give birth to my own children…when in reality I just don’t want kids. Or if I do decide I want a child eventually I will adopt. But as of this moment I have no desire to raise a child. It also gives me a different perspective and a better respect for women who do struggle with infertility.
If you really knew me you’d know that I have this HUGE fear of choking or someone else choking.
If you really knew me you’d know that I wish I had the guts to just leave home in the middle of the night, if not for any other reason but to get some real life experience under my belt and to not have such a squeaky clean past.
If you really knew me you’d know that sometimes I feel like a child in an adults body. I feel behind in a lot of ways. I feel like I lost out on a HUGE part of my life. I feel like I am doing what most 18 year olds do, only I’m 26. I’m in the process of getting my life started by becoming a Doula. I want to get my own car. My first car actually. I am a 26 year old virgin and I will be damned if I end up being a 30 year old virgin.
If you really knew me you’d know that I feel smothered by my family. I feel like I can’t breathe with them so close to me. I feel like every move I make they are watching. I know I’m lucky to have had such a good family, but sometimes I wish we weren’t so “perfect”.
If you really knew me you’d know that I still think about Ashley Clark. I will always feel bad that I didn’t say something when she told me what her dad was doing to her. Even though I was a child, I still feel guilt that I didn’t realize what she was saying was really bad. I have tried searching for her online but haven’t been able to find her. If I could find her I would have so much to say.
If you really knew me you’d know I’m afraid to die alone. I’m afraid to die a virgin. I’m afraid to die without accomplishing the things that I have on my bucket list.
If anyone reads this I suggest you write a “if you really knew me” blog because it really allows you to see deeper inside yourself and also lets people see a deeper part of you that you keep hidden.
9.06.2010
this fragile life
Every time someone I know dies it shakes me up. It wakes me up. It reminds me just how fragile this life really is. Richard made many, MANY mistakes in his life, especially the past 2 years when he tore his family up and began living with the girl who he was having an affair with who had 4 kids of her own. Everyday that he would come here to pick up Corban I would get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach for having to look into his eyes that were filled with a darkness. When I heard the news that Richard died this morning my first thought was what my last words to him were. On March 12th (after MONTHS of crap that he put us through and his family through) I screamed at Richard “FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!” and slammed the door in his face as I gave him the finger. Just two and a half weeks ago we saw him at Wal-Mart not knowing that in three weeks he wouldn’t be here any longer. He was in his early 30s and had been complaining from a headache for the past couple weeks, and now he’s gone. It really makes me think about my own life and how I really want to get the most of out of, because we never know when that’s going to be us. We never know when out of nowhere we get hit by a car or we just drop dead.
It’s so weird to see the progression of his life. Was he destined to die young? I mean there were countless times that he should have died when he was a teen and in his 20s, but somehow he escaped death. Is there a quota of how many times you can cheat death before death wins? If that’s true then I may be getting close to my quota. When Richard would be making meth he could have blown up multiple times, but somehow he made it out alive and in once piece. This Preacher’s kid took the wrong path for a while but eventually he got married and had 2 kids and became the youth Pastor at is dad’s church. When their son was 12 and daughter 9 they found out there were going to have a “surprise” baby. During her pregnancy he began having an affair and from then until the day he died his life kept going further and further down.
It’s not surprising that he died. I mean it is and it isn’t. I knew eventually something was going to happen to him or to one of his kids in order to wake him up and make him start doing the right thing. I just didn’t know it would end in death.
If anyone reads this blog all I ask is that you don’t put off tomorrow what you can do today. Don’t take this life for granted because you never know when you won’t be here to enjoy this life. Hug your family and show them how much they mean to you because you never know when you won’t be here to hug them, or when they won’t be here to hug you.
It’s so weird to see the progression of his life. Was he destined to die young? I mean there were countless times that he should have died when he was a teen and in his 20s, but somehow he escaped death. Is there a quota of how many times you can cheat death before death wins? If that’s true then I may be getting close to my quota. When Richard would be making meth he could have blown up multiple times, but somehow he made it out alive and in once piece. This Preacher’s kid took the wrong path for a while but eventually he got married and had 2 kids and became the youth Pastor at is dad’s church. When their son was 12 and daughter 9 they found out there were going to have a “surprise” baby. During her pregnancy he began having an affair and from then until the day he died his life kept going further and further down.
It’s not surprising that he died. I mean it is and it isn’t. I knew eventually something was going to happen to him or to one of his kids in order to wake him up and make him start doing the right thing. I just didn’t know it would end in death.
If anyone reads this blog all I ask is that you don’t put off tomorrow what you can do today. Don’t take this life for granted because you never know when you won’t be here to enjoy this life. Hug your family and show them how much they mean to you because you never know when you won’t be here to hug them, or when they won’t be here to hug you.
8.06.2010
dream analyzer is never wrong
Dream analyzing is fun….and scary because it is SO ACCURATE!
Last night I had a dream that our dining room wall was on fire and my dad and I were trying to put it out with a fire extinguisher. The flames were so high and big and just out of control and we were unable to put it out. So today I did a little search online and this is what I found.
Considering all I’m going through right now with my decision to become a doula and not telling my family yet, along with the pending meeting of Eric in October, which could potentially lead to something sexual happening, the dream analyzer was RIGHT ON CUE! It’s scary how accurate it is. My mouth literally dropped when I read that stuff.
Last night I had a dream that our dining room wall was on fire and my dad and I were trying to put it out with a fire extinguisher. The flames were so high and big and just out of control and we were unable to put it out. So today I did a little search online and this is what I found.
Burning
To see something burning in your dream, indicates that you are experiencing some intense emotions and/or passionate sexual feelings. There is some situation or issue that you can no longer avoid and ignore.
Fire Extinguisher
To see or use a fire extinguisher in your dream, suggests that you are trying to get your emotions under control. Alternatively, the dream means that you need to let go of whatever anger you are still holding on to.
Fire
Depending on the context of your dream, to see fire in your dream can symbolize destruction, passion, desire, illumination, purification, transformation, enlightenment, or anger. It may suggest that something old is passing and something new is entering into your life. Your thoughts and views are changing.
To dream that a house is on fire, indicates that you need to undergo some transformation.
Considering all I’m going through right now with my decision to become a doula and not telling my family yet, along with the pending meeting of Eric in October, which could potentially lead to something sexual happening, the dream analyzer was RIGHT ON CUE! It’s scary how accurate it is. My mouth literally dropped when I read that stuff.
8.04.2010
kinky, dirty, sexy, erotic, wild girl.....
Underneath this layer of “good girl” there is a kinky, dirty, sexy, erotic, wild girl just begging to come out. The girl that would rip your clothes off and throw you down on the bed and just ravish your body until you begged me to stop. The girl that would make you cum three times in a row….then once more. The girl that would satisfy every single one of your needs, wants and desires. The girl that would stay between your legs for as long as you wanted. The girl that would lap up every drip of sweet juice that you released to me.
“Cause I'm gonna
bathe you, play with you, rub you, caress you
tell you how much I've missed you
I just wanna
touch you, tease you, lick you, please you
love you, hold you, make love to you
And I'm gonna
kiss you, suck you, taste you, ride you
feel you deep inside me ohh
I'm gonna
kiss you, suck you, taste you, ride you,
feel you, make you come too”
Of course this kinky, dirty, sexy, erotic, wild girl also has needs of her own. I crave to be touched, to be so close to someone that our breath mixes together. I desire to kiss someone. To feel their soft lips pressed against mine. For our tongues to intertwine. I crave for someone to make me cum. To completely surrender my body to someone and allow them to be so closely intimate with me.
“Baby would you mind touching me
ever so slowly
you're making me quiver
baby would you mind undressing me
making me feel sexy
while in the moment
Baby would you mind kissing me
all over my body
you missed a spot - there
Baby would you mind tasting me
it's making me all juicy
feeling your lips on mine”
And once this kinky, dirty, sexy, erotic, wild girl is satisfied she will quietly go back inside as if nothing ever happened….she will slip her “good girl” persona back on and plaster on the sweet innocent smile….that is until the next time someone sets her loose…..
“Cause I'm gonna
bathe you, play with you, rub you, caress you
tell you how much I've missed you
I just wanna
touch you, tease you, lick you, please you
love you, hold you, make love to you
And I'm gonna
kiss you, suck you, taste you, ride you
feel you deep inside me ohh
I'm gonna
kiss you, suck you, taste you, ride you,
feel you, make you come too”
Of course this kinky, dirty, sexy, erotic, wild girl also has needs of her own. I crave to be touched, to be so close to someone that our breath mixes together. I desire to kiss someone. To feel their soft lips pressed against mine. For our tongues to intertwine. I crave for someone to make me cum. To completely surrender my body to someone and allow them to be so closely intimate with me.
“Baby would you mind touching me
ever so slowly
you're making me quiver
baby would you mind undressing me
making me feel sexy
while in the moment
Baby would you mind kissing me
all over my body
you missed a spot - there
Baby would you mind tasting me
it's making me all juicy
feeling your lips on mine”
And once this kinky, dirty, sexy, erotic, wild girl is satisfied she will quietly go back inside as if nothing ever happened….she will slip her “good girl” persona back on and plaster on the sweet innocent smile….that is until the next time someone sets her loose…..
7.30.2010
indirect aggression
My sister is my best friend, yet I feel like I can’t talk to her. Something inside of me locks up when she asks me what’s wrong. Today I was in the floor stretching after walking on the treadmill and she came in and asked if I wanted to do abs with her when I get done, I had my iPod on so when I didn’t answer her she left the room, but I heard her and felt just awful for ignoring her. I instantly got tears in my eyes and got up to go shower before she saw my tears. When I came out of the room she asked if I wanted to do weights with her and I said “No I’m going to shower” and quickly got downstairs before she saw my puddled eyes. I think by my being so mean to her that’s my way of showing her my anger I have from feeling like she’s holding me back from my future and that’s why I have been so moody to her and non responsive…but I think it’s all catching up with me now and I hate what I’m doing to her.
While I was in the shower I cried. I cried buckets of tears. My face looked just awful afterwards, red nose, red eyes and the classic “cry face” I had to stay downstairs for a while after that just to get my face to look normal and so that no one would ask if I had been crying….because my mom is like a hawk, if she sees the “cry face” it’s like a radar goes off inside her and she just knows you’ve been crying. I sat in the floor of the shower (like I have done everyday for the past month) and cried so hard. It was clearly audible so I’m glad I was in the basement where I knew no one would hear me. I cried out of frustration. Anger. Confusion. Loneliness. Sadness. Grief. Jealousy. I cried for 20 minutes solid, it was like I couldn’t stop. All my feelings that I keep bottled up just came pouring out and I couldn’t stop it.
I have a “built in” best friend, yet I am pushing her away and being (indirectly) deliberately mean. Every time she says “I miss you” or “I just want you back like you used to be” or “I want you to laugh with me and play with me like we always do” I want to scream at her “I’M TRYING TO GROW UP SO LEAVE ME ALONE” but I don’t. I just turn my head and don’t say a word, I don’t say a fucking word because I’m a coward.
Today my mom said “Are you ok? Because you haven’t said 5 words in the past 2 days” I wanted to say “Because I’m trying to find the right time to tell you what I want to do with my life….but I’m too fucking scared to say it” but I didn’t say a word, I just laughed it off and said “I’m fine” but I’m not fine.
My sister and I watch the reality t.v. show Big Brother. It’s our favorite show and something that we really get into every summer. Well last night the girl who we absolutely HATE on there won Head Of Household (which means she can nominate two people for eviction) well, I got SO MAD that she won and was now going to go after our favorite people. I was furious over a stupid reality show. Like really, REALLY mad. But I wasn’t mad at the show, I wasn’t mad at the girl who won….I was mad at my situation. Mad at what my reality is. Mad that I am having such a hard time telling my family something that I know they would support me in (well at least my mom and dad would) so I released my anger on Rachel (the girl who won Head of Household) when I really wanted to release my anger about “C” and how I feel like she is holding me back…..Isn’t indirect aggression great?!
While I was in the shower I cried. I cried buckets of tears. My face looked just awful afterwards, red nose, red eyes and the classic “cry face” I had to stay downstairs for a while after that just to get my face to look normal and so that no one would ask if I had been crying….because my mom is like a hawk, if she sees the “cry face” it’s like a radar goes off inside her and she just knows you’ve been crying. I sat in the floor of the shower (like I have done everyday for the past month) and cried so hard. It was clearly audible so I’m glad I was in the basement where I knew no one would hear me. I cried out of frustration. Anger. Confusion. Loneliness. Sadness. Grief. Jealousy. I cried for 20 minutes solid, it was like I couldn’t stop. All my feelings that I keep bottled up just came pouring out and I couldn’t stop it.
I have a “built in” best friend, yet I am pushing her away and being (indirectly) deliberately mean. Every time she says “I miss you” or “I just want you back like you used to be” or “I want you to laugh with me and play with me like we always do” I want to scream at her “I’M TRYING TO GROW UP SO LEAVE ME ALONE” but I don’t. I just turn my head and don’t say a word, I don’t say a fucking word because I’m a coward.
Today my mom said “Are you ok? Because you haven’t said 5 words in the past 2 days” I wanted to say “Because I’m trying to find the right time to tell you what I want to do with my life….but I’m too fucking scared to say it” but I didn’t say a word, I just laughed it off and said “I’m fine” but I’m not fine.
My sister and I watch the reality t.v. show Big Brother. It’s our favorite show and something that we really get into every summer. Well last night the girl who we absolutely HATE on there won Head Of Household (which means she can nominate two people for eviction) well, I got SO MAD that she won and was now going to go after our favorite people. I was furious over a stupid reality show. Like really, REALLY mad. But I wasn’t mad at the show, I wasn’t mad at the girl who won….I was mad at my situation. Mad at what my reality is. Mad that I am having such a hard time telling my family something that I know they would support me in (well at least my mom and dad would) so I released my anger on Rachel (the girl who won Head of Household) when I really wanted to release my anger about “C” and how I feel like she is holding me back…..Isn’t indirect aggression great?!
7.20.2010
before life runs out
It’s times like these that I’m so glad I documented my feelings and emotions while nanny was still alive. Because I can look back and see my fears, hopes and dreams and it gives me that extra boost to get my ass together and make my dreams come to life before life runs out. These few entries are what really make me wake up…….
This opens my eyes and shows me that I AM free now. I’m not trapped here anymore. I can go and do whatever I want. I’m NOT going to be trapped by feeling guilty for leaving “C” behind. I can feel the determination I had when I wrote this. I can feel that I really wanted so much more out of life.
Oh how true these words turned out to be. It’s scary how spot on I was.
To see how determined I was makes me want to make my dreams come true that much more. These words have really opened my eyes and have given me that extra push to tell my family what I want to do. I am going to do this. I am going to tell them. I am going to make my dreams come true. I will be truly happy for the first time in 9 years. I want to wake up with a bounce in my step. I want to dance through life not just walk. I want to look at my reflection in the mirror and see someone who I can be proud of. I will live each moment to the fullest. I will lay my head down on my pillow every night and be proud of what I have accomplished. I AM going to do this.
“I don't have any plans for after she passes, I don't know what I will do or where I will go. I know I want to go, but I don't know how I will get there.
When she does pass I know I will want to get out and finally for once live life and feel life. I want to try things and experience things that I could never tell my family. But I am afraid to leave my sister behind. But I know one day we will HAVE to grow up...i'm just not sure if she can.
I HATE my life right now, I hate how everyone around me is doing fun things and living life and I am sitting by watching it pass me. Life is so short and I want to make the best out of this life, but I can't right now and it SUCKS!
I envy people my age who actually have a life. I envy people who can have boyfriends and girlfriends and go out and experience things and have sex and enjoy life. I want to enjoy life too damn it!”
This opens my eyes and shows me that I AM free now. I’m not trapped here anymore. I can go and do whatever I want. I’m NOT going to be trapped by feeling guilty for leaving “C” behind. I can feel the determination I had when I wrote this. I can feel that I really wanted so much more out of life.
“I can't have my own private life because I am always here. My sister and I are like siamese twins and I feel like I can't separate myself from her. I am scared that once nanny passes away that I will be afraid to move on and do what I want because I will feel like I am leaving her behind.”
Oh how true these words turned out to be. It’s scary how spot on I was.
“Once my time here is done with nanny I am going to leave and explore and experiment with different things. Until then...I can only dream.”
To see how determined I was makes me want to make my dreams come true that much more. These words have really opened my eyes and have given me that extra push to tell my family what I want to do. I am going to do this. I am going to tell them. I am going to make my dreams come true. I will be truly happy for the first time in 9 years. I want to wake up with a bounce in my step. I want to dance through life not just walk. I want to look at my reflection in the mirror and see someone who I can be proud of. I will live each moment to the fullest. I will lay my head down on my pillow every night and be proud of what I have accomplished. I AM going to do this.
7.13.2010
the many maybes
Today was a very low day for me. While at work I literally had to fight back tears and I still can’t fully put my finger on why I wanted to cry. Maybe it’s my deep inner fear of “C” getting upset with me and being hurt by my leaving her behind. Maybe it’s my fear of failing. Scared of not being good enough. Scared of driving all the way to St. Louis all by myself. Scared of getting lost. Or maybe I’ve been trapped in these four walls for so long that venturing out into the “real world” scares me and makes me feel insecure. Or maybe, just maybe, I’m scared of what else is going to happen while in St. Louis. My plans to see him for the first time. To see his face. Touch his hands. Look into his eyes and finally be able to tell him what’s really in my heart. For him to be able to see the real me…the me that might not be anything that he is expecting. That could possibly be one of the keys to my nerves….yet the prospect of finally being able to wrap my arms around him makes me so happy and excited that I can hardly contain myself, however, I can’t share my feelings about him with my family because they wouldn’t understand.
While in the shower this afternoon I cried. I let it all out, and yet I still didn’t feel better. I think I feel so low today is August 6th is coming extremely fast, which is the day that our job will be done, and I’m not ready to go back to doing nothing here at home. I like having a job, a place to go, a place to be around other people besides my family, plus getting paid is also a perk. Yet, I HAVE to break away from “C” and if I want to get another job then by God I should be able to get one without feeling guilt. I have to shake this guilt. I have to grow a set of balls and just fucking break free. I have to look out for #1 and it has to start today. The next time “C” gets mad at me for not writing in our fiction story I’m going to finally email her the letter I have written and not look back. I mean time is precious and I’m tired of wasting my life away.
While in the shower this afternoon I cried. I let it all out, and yet I still didn’t feel better. I think I feel so low today is August 6th is coming extremely fast, which is the day that our job will be done, and I’m not ready to go back to doing nothing here at home. I like having a job, a place to go, a place to be around other people besides my family, plus getting paid is also a perk. Yet, I HAVE to break away from “C” and if I want to get another job then by God I should be able to get one without feeling guilt. I have to shake this guilt. I have to grow a set of balls and just fucking break free. I have to look out for #1 and it has to start today. The next time “C” gets mad at me for not writing in our fiction story I’m going to finally email her the letter I have written and not look back. I mean time is precious and I’m tired of wasting my life away.
7.01.2010
here one day....gone one night
“In the arms of an Angel fly away from here
From this dark, cold hospital room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here”
-Sarah McLachlan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
only six years old and has been battling cancer for almost a year
little Danny lost his fight to this hideous disease last night 6.30.10
but what gives me peace is knowing that he is no longer in pain
no longer has to sleep in a cold hospital room
no longer has to be away from his little brother
Danny is forever safe in God’s arms
and will remain there until he is reunited with his family one day
I never got to meet Danny
but I do know another child with the same type of cancer
and it’s just so utterly unfair that ANY child has to go through this
little Alexis is almost 4 years old
and shouldn’t be going through chemotherapy
she should be running and living a happy little girls life
she should be dreaming of fairies and Santa Claus
not needles and a giant hospital building
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Like A Comet
Blazing 'Cross The Evening Sky
Gone Too Soon
Like A Rainbow
Fading In The Twinkling Of An Eye
Gone Too Soon
Shiny And Sparkly
And Splendidly Bright
Here One Day
Gone One Night
Like The Loss Of Sunlight
On A Cloudy Afternoon
Gone Too Soon
Like A Castle
Built Upon A Sandy Beach
Gone Too Soon
Like A Perfect Flower
That Is Just Beyond Your Reach
Gone Too Soon
Born To Amuse, To Inspire, To Delight
Here One Day
Gone One Night
Like A Sunset
Dying With The Rising Of The Moon
Gone Too Soon
Gone Too Soon”
-Michael Jackson
From this dark, cold hospital room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here”
-Sarah McLachlan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
only six years old and has been battling cancer for almost a year
little Danny lost his fight to this hideous disease last night 6.30.10
but what gives me peace is knowing that he is no longer in pain
no longer has to sleep in a cold hospital room
no longer has to be away from his little brother
Danny is forever safe in God’s arms
and will remain there until he is reunited with his family one day
I never got to meet Danny
but I do know another child with the same type of cancer
and it’s just so utterly unfair that ANY child has to go through this
little Alexis is almost 4 years old
and shouldn’t be going through chemotherapy
she should be running and living a happy little girls life
she should be dreaming of fairies and Santa Claus
not needles and a giant hospital building
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Like A Comet
Blazing 'Cross The Evening Sky
Gone Too Soon
Like A Rainbow
Fading In The Twinkling Of An Eye
Gone Too Soon
Shiny And Sparkly
And Splendidly Bright
Here One Day
Gone One Night
Like The Loss Of Sunlight
On A Cloudy Afternoon
Gone Too Soon
Like A Castle
Built Upon A Sandy Beach
Gone Too Soon
Like A Perfect Flower
That Is Just Beyond Your Reach
Gone Too Soon
Born To Amuse, To Inspire, To Delight
Here One Day
Gone One Night
Like A Sunset
Dying With The Rising Of The Moon
Gone Too Soon
Gone Too Soon”
-Michael Jackson
6.30.2010
puddle of life
slowly stretching my right arm
out of my comfort level
softly dipping my big toe
into the puddle of life
breathing in the fresh air
of something new
opening my eyes to the bright light
that awaits me
pushing aside the fear
to get to the beauty
swallowing the guilt
in order to find the peace
crushing the insecurity
to make my way to happiness
coming out of my shell
to see my future ahead of me
out of my comfort level
softly dipping my big toe
into the puddle of life
breathing in the fresh air
of something new
opening my eyes to the bright light
that awaits me
pushing aside the fear
to get to the beauty
swallowing the guilt
in order to find the peace
crushing the insecurity
to make my way to happiness
coming out of my shell
to see my future ahead of me
6.15.2010
this isn't "just a job"
lost souls and damaged hearts
fear filled eyes and violent lives
left without hugs and kisses
no one there to tuck them in
no bed time stories
no one to say I love you
I want to wrap them in my arms
and save them from themselves
a 21 year old with a life experience of
drug deals
stealing someone’s personal lap top and selling it
violence that I don’t even want to imagine
he rides his bike cycle 30 minutes one way
to get to his community service
which is where we work
the place he calls home
is a place where he gets to share a room
with 28 other men
he doesn’t get to come home
to a home cooked meal every night
to familiar faces that love him unconditionally
he gets jail food
even though he’s not “in” jail
basically he is
they call it a probation house until he gets on his feet
in three months he gets kicked out of his “home”
to only go back to where it all began
you can’t expect someone to permanently change
when they are sent back out to the place
that sent them there to begin with
they are set up for failure
and it’s no ones fault but the system
today my heart melted and tears welled up in my eyes
with two small words from an 8 year old boy
“don’t go” he said looking up with his big brown eyes
he is normally so quiet
from being beat down
and afraid that any wrong move he makes
he will get screamed at
I witnessed it first hand what he has to hear
and it scared the shit out of me
this isn’t “just a job”
it’s giving something to these lost souls
that need a simple hug and smile
it’s not just supplying them with lunches and snacks
it’s supplying them with maybe a dash of colorless love
the kind of a love that doesn’t see what they did in their past
a love they don’t get at home
a love that we all should give
to show true
compassion
sympathy
empathy
"Cause I'm about to
Say goodbye to every single lie
and all the fears I've held too long inside
Everytime I felt I could try
All the negativity I had inside
For too long I've been struggling. I couldn't go on
But now I've found I'm feeling strong and moving on
I believe they can take anything from me
But they can't succeed in taking my inner peace
They can say all they wanna say about me."
fear filled eyes and violent lives
left without hugs and kisses
no one there to tuck them in
no bed time stories
no one to say I love you
I want to wrap them in my arms
and save them from themselves
a 21 year old with a life experience of
drug deals
stealing someone’s personal lap top and selling it
violence that I don’t even want to imagine
he rides his bike cycle 30 minutes one way
to get to his community service
which is where we work
the place he calls home
is a place where he gets to share a room
with 28 other men
he doesn’t get to come home
to a home cooked meal every night
to familiar faces that love him unconditionally
he gets jail food
even though he’s not “in” jail
basically he is
they call it a probation house until he gets on his feet
in three months he gets kicked out of his “home”
to only go back to where it all began
you can’t expect someone to permanently change
when they are sent back out to the place
that sent them there to begin with
they are set up for failure
and it’s no ones fault but the system
today my heart melted and tears welled up in my eyes
with two small words from an 8 year old boy
“don’t go” he said looking up with his big brown eyes
he is normally so quiet
from being beat down
and afraid that any wrong move he makes
he will get screamed at
I witnessed it first hand what he has to hear
and it scared the shit out of me
this isn’t “just a job”
it’s giving something to these lost souls
that need a simple hug and smile
it’s not just supplying them with lunches and snacks
it’s supplying them with maybe a dash of colorless love
the kind of a love that doesn’t see what they did in their past
a love they don’t get at home
a love that we all should give
to show true
compassion
sympathy
empathy
"Cause I'm about to
Say goodbye to every single lie
and all the fears I've held too long inside
Everytime I felt I could try
All the negativity I had inside
For too long I've been struggling. I couldn't go on
But now I've found I'm feeling strong and moving on
I believe they can take anything from me
But they can't succeed in taking my inner peace
They can say all they wanna say about me."
6.01.2010
MY
I don’t want to come into my own life by making “C” mad at me. I don’t want her to hate me. But, I can tell that I have changed from the girl who would HAVE to escape from my life through writing a fiction story, to the girl who now spends most of her night on youtube looking up labor/birth videos. It’s scary, yet refreshing to know that soon MY life will begin. I like the sound of that, MY life. It’s MY life. MY life. MY MY MY life. That sounds so good and I can’t wait to get MY life started. I can’t wait to see MY life grow. I can’t wait to be happy with MY life. It’s MY life for the first time in my life.
I can tell that I’m changing by the way it doesn’t affect me when “C” gets mad at me like it used to. Before when she would get mad I would cater to her and BEG her to be ok and I would talk to her for HOURS on end to make her happy….but lately, I just don’t give two shits. I don’t care if she doesn’t watch Glee because she’s mad at me because I don’t want to read that fucking fake fiction story that we are writing together with a friend. I don’t care if she lays in bed all night long dwelling over it. It’s time she gets faced with the real world and sees the way she behaves is like a 7 year old who doesn’t get her way. I don’t care if she’s afraid to grow up, because I’M NOT AFRAID! I don’t care anymore. I just don’t care. I can’t live my life for her anymore. I can’t put her first before MY needs. Because if I do, ONLY I will lose.
Tonight she totally didn’t hear me when I told her that real life is more important than that damn fiction story. She just looked at me and said “what does that mean?” Ummm I think it’s pretty clear that REAL life is MORE important than a fiction story! I seriously wanted to scream it at her that I am growing up, but like always, I chickened out. *sigh* But I think the next time she brings up the fiction story I’m just going to tell her that I’m spreading my wings and outgrowing the story. I want to create my own story. I want to be in MY story. I want to live MY story. And I really don’t care if I piss her off, because like I have said a million times….I’M NOT LIVING MY LIFE FOR HER!
Last week my mom sister and I started a job working with the summer lunch program for children and I LOVE it. The job is rough and not “picture perfect” but just getting out of the house and being around people feels so good and refreshing. But….like ALWAYS “C” has to shit on it DAILY! I swear the girl has deep mental issues. We work 7am-12pm and when the clock strikes 12 she wants OUT ASAP! We are literally trying to finish putting things away and she has her purse ready to go. Mom gets so mad at her, but “C” NEVER changes. “C” tries to bring me down with her by talking negatively about the job, but I just ignore her and don’t answer. She says the job is just “too much” it’s “too loud” it’s “too much noise” which makes my blood boil. If she doesn’t get a handle on her issues she’s going to end up being a fucking hermit!!!
We have a big family reunion coming up on June 19th with a few family members coming to stay at our house….and guess who is dreading it? Yup you guessed it “C” *rolls eyes* She actually said she won’t go to the reunion because she will be bored and it will be “just too much.” ALL of our family will be there and she just doesn’t want to go. I seriously just want to smack her sometimes. Mom said that the family members who are going to be staying with us want to go back to where they used to live and see it just to reminisce and what not, and “C” said that she doesn’t want to go. She said “that’s not my thing, I just don’t want to go.” But no matter what I’m going to do what I want, if I want to go with them I will. She and I are NOT Siamese twins, even though at times it feels like it *rolls eyes* I think by doing my own thing when they come will show “C” that I’m moving away from her and growing my OWN wings for the first time in 26 years. I think it will surprise her by my doing this, but I want to be around people. I’m not afraid like she is. I need to get out of the house and spread my wings.
“I can’t stand by your side
and watch this life pass me by
so unhappy, but safe as it could be”
I can tell that I’m changing by the way it doesn’t affect me when “C” gets mad at me like it used to. Before when she would get mad I would cater to her and BEG her to be ok and I would talk to her for HOURS on end to make her happy….but lately, I just don’t give two shits. I don’t care if she doesn’t watch Glee because she’s mad at me because I don’t want to read that fucking fake fiction story that we are writing together with a friend. I don’t care if she lays in bed all night long dwelling over it. It’s time she gets faced with the real world and sees the way she behaves is like a 7 year old who doesn’t get her way. I don’t care if she’s afraid to grow up, because I’M NOT AFRAID! I don’t care anymore. I just don’t care. I can’t live my life for her anymore. I can’t put her first before MY needs. Because if I do, ONLY I will lose.
Tonight she totally didn’t hear me when I told her that real life is more important than that damn fiction story. She just looked at me and said “what does that mean?” Ummm I think it’s pretty clear that REAL life is MORE important than a fiction story! I seriously wanted to scream it at her that I am growing up, but like always, I chickened out. *sigh* But I think the next time she brings up the fiction story I’m just going to tell her that I’m spreading my wings and outgrowing the story. I want to create my own story. I want to be in MY story. I want to live MY story. And I really don’t care if I piss her off, because like I have said a million times….I’M NOT LIVING MY LIFE FOR HER!
Last week my mom sister and I started a job working with the summer lunch program for children and I LOVE it. The job is rough and not “picture perfect” but just getting out of the house and being around people feels so good and refreshing. But….like ALWAYS “C” has to shit on it DAILY! I swear the girl has deep mental issues. We work 7am-12pm and when the clock strikes 12 she wants OUT ASAP! We are literally trying to finish putting things away and she has her purse ready to go. Mom gets so mad at her, but “C” NEVER changes. “C” tries to bring me down with her by talking negatively about the job, but I just ignore her and don’t answer. She says the job is just “too much” it’s “too loud” it’s “too much noise” which makes my blood boil. If she doesn’t get a handle on her issues she’s going to end up being a fucking hermit!!!
We have a big family reunion coming up on June 19th with a few family members coming to stay at our house….and guess who is dreading it? Yup you guessed it “C” *rolls eyes* She actually said she won’t go to the reunion because she will be bored and it will be “just too much.” ALL of our family will be there and she just doesn’t want to go. I seriously just want to smack her sometimes. Mom said that the family members who are going to be staying with us want to go back to where they used to live and see it just to reminisce and what not, and “C” said that she doesn’t want to go. She said “that’s not my thing, I just don’t want to go.” But no matter what I’m going to do what I want, if I want to go with them I will. She and I are NOT Siamese twins, even though at times it feels like it *rolls eyes* I think by doing my own thing when they come will show “C” that I’m moving away from her and growing my OWN wings for the first time in 26 years. I think it will surprise her by my doing this, but I want to be around people. I’m not afraid like she is. I need to get out of the house and spread my wings.
“I can’t stand by your side
and watch this life pass me by
so unhappy, but safe as it could be”
5.19.2010
Six
Six people that I want to say things to.
1. You are a worthless human being and a lousy father. The day I screamed “fuck you” in your face (three times in a row) and gave you the finger was the best day ever. To say that to your face was a release of anger, frustration and hatred that I had built up for you. I’m glad you’re out of our life. I just feel bad that your kids and soon-to-be ex-wife still have to put up with your bullshit. I have forgiven you (because it’s the right thing to do) but I never want to see you or speak to you again. Good riddens to BAD rubbish!
2. There’s so much I want to say to you, yet don’t know where to even begin. I love you….but in the same breath you drive me crazy at times…..a lot of the times. I wish you would have the desire to do more with your life than what you are doing. I can’t stand how you put more value and thought into writing a fucking fiction story than you do getting your life started. Writing that story is not going to allow you to meet a potential mate/friends. Why can’t you have the desire to grow up!? Sometimes I just want to scream because I’m afraid you’re going to be the one to hold me back because I will feel guilt. But I have to let go of that guilt somehow and show you that I AM changing. I haven’t written in the fiction story in over a week because I’M CHANGING! I am growing. I am spreading my tightly wrapped wings. I want my own life away from you.
3. I wish I could say I don’t have any regrets from anything that has happened with you, but that would be a lie. I wish I knew what was the last thing you remember about me? Was it the time I sassed you because you were frustrating me with how you constantly were going through our bathroom drawers and moving things around? Or was it the time that I slammed my glass down on the kitchen table (splashing my drink all the way to the wall) because you wouldn’t eat and made mom get so mad that she screamed (which was also the first and only time I ever heard my dad say fuck) Or was it one of the countless meals I fed you? I love you and miss the Tuesday nights I used to spend with you.
4. Oh how I miss you. The day you died a part of each of us died along with you. I miss your infectious laugh, your flat top hair. I miss the way you used to “tweak” my nose every time before bed. I miss everything about you. I wish I would have told you more that I loved you. I wish I would have given you more hugs. I miss our Friday night card games.
5. I lay in bed nightly and think about you. I have dreams about you and I even have fantasies about you. You have me captivated and I stand in awe of you. I dream of your arms wrapping around me and holding me tight. I imagine your lips against mine. I imagine your body laying next to me. I dream about the day I get to look into your eyes and tell you all that you mean to me. When I think that I could be just 4 short months away from seeing you, like for real, I get butterflies and tingles deep down in my stomach.
6. It’s ok to be scared. It’s ok to have apprehensions about the future. But, you HAVE to find your own voice and make your own path. If you let anyone take your dreams away or make them seem unattainable then you only got yourself to blame for losing them. Don’t be held back by guilt because if you do then you will end up a 30 year old woman STILL at home! Do you want that? NO! So for the first time in your FUCKING life think about yourself and make our dreams come true. Who knows, maybe you will inspire someone else to get their own life as well?
1. You are a worthless human being and a lousy father. The day I screamed “fuck you” in your face (three times in a row) and gave you the finger was the best day ever. To say that to your face was a release of anger, frustration and hatred that I had built up for you. I’m glad you’re out of our life. I just feel bad that your kids and soon-to-be ex-wife still have to put up with your bullshit. I have forgiven you (because it’s the right thing to do) but I never want to see you or speak to you again. Good riddens to BAD rubbish!
2. There’s so much I want to say to you, yet don’t know where to even begin. I love you….but in the same breath you drive me crazy at times…..a lot of the times. I wish you would have the desire to do more with your life than what you are doing. I can’t stand how you put more value and thought into writing a fucking fiction story than you do getting your life started. Writing that story is not going to allow you to meet a potential mate/friends. Why can’t you have the desire to grow up!? Sometimes I just want to scream because I’m afraid you’re going to be the one to hold me back because I will feel guilt. But I have to let go of that guilt somehow and show you that I AM changing. I haven’t written in the fiction story in over a week because I’M CHANGING! I am growing. I am spreading my tightly wrapped wings. I want my own life away from you.
3. I wish I could say I don’t have any regrets from anything that has happened with you, but that would be a lie. I wish I knew what was the last thing you remember about me? Was it the time I sassed you because you were frustrating me with how you constantly were going through our bathroom drawers and moving things around? Or was it the time that I slammed my glass down on the kitchen table (splashing my drink all the way to the wall) because you wouldn’t eat and made mom get so mad that she screamed (which was also the first and only time I ever heard my dad say fuck) Or was it one of the countless meals I fed you? I love you and miss the Tuesday nights I used to spend with you.
4. Oh how I miss you. The day you died a part of each of us died along with you. I miss your infectious laugh, your flat top hair. I miss the way you used to “tweak” my nose every time before bed. I miss everything about you. I wish I would have told you more that I loved you. I wish I would have given you more hugs. I miss our Friday night card games.
5. I lay in bed nightly and think about you. I have dreams about you and I even have fantasies about you. You have me captivated and I stand in awe of you. I dream of your arms wrapping around me and holding me tight. I imagine your lips against mine. I imagine your body laying next to me. I dream about the day I get to look into your eyes and tell you all that you mean to me. When I think that I could be just 4 short months away from seeing you, like for real, I get butterflies and tingles deep down in my stomach.
6. It’s ok to be scared. It’s ok to have apprehensions about the future. But, you HAVE to find your own voice and make your own path. If you let anyone take your dreams away or make them seem unattainable then you only got yourself to blame for losing them. Don’t be held back by guilt because if you do then you will end up a 30 year old woman STILL at home! Do you want that? NO! So for the first time in your FUCKING life think about yourself and make our dreams come true. Who knows, maybe you will inspire someone else to get their own life as well?
5.16.2010
I wanna be with you
This song says everything I want to happen with him. There are no words that can explain it any better than these lyrics.
I try but I can't seem to get myself
To think of anything but you
Your breath on my face, your warm gentle kiss
I taste the truth, I taste the truth
We know what I came here for
So I won't ask for more
I wanna be with you, if only for a night
To be the one who's in your arms who holds you tight
I wanna be with you, there's nothing more to say
There's nothing else I want more than to feel this way
I wanna be with you, yeah
So I'll hold you tonight
Like I would if you were mine to hold forevermore
And I'll savor each touch
That I wanted so much to feel before, to feel before
How beautiful it is
Just to be like this
I wanna be with you, if only for a night
To be the one who's in your arms who holds you tight
I wanna be with you, there's nothing more to say
There's nothing else I want more than to feel this way
I wanna be with you
Oh, baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore
It drives me crazy when I try to
So come on and take my hand
Can you make my wish, baby, your command? Yeah
I wanna be with you, there's nothing more to say
There's nothing else I want more than to feel this way
I wanna be with you, oh, yeah, I wanna be with you
Wanna be with you, yeah
I wanna be, I wanna be with you, yeah, yeah
I wanna be, I wanna be, baby
I wanna be, I wanna be with you, yeah
Wanna be with you
I try but I can't seem to get myself
To think of anything but you
Your breath on my face, your warm gentle kiss
I taste the truth, I taste the truth
We know what I came here for
So I won't ask for more
I wanna be with you, if only for a night
To be the one who's in your arms who holds you tight
I wanna be with you, there's nothing more to say
There's nothing else I want more than to feel this way
I wanna be with you, yeah
So I'll hold you tonight
Like I would if you were mine to hold forevermore
And I'll savor each touch
That I wanted so much to feel before, to feel before
How beautiful it is
Just to be like this
I wanna be with you, if only for a night
To be the one who's in your arms who holds you tight
I wanna be with you, there's nothing more to say
There's nothing else I want more than to feel this way
I wanna be with you
Oh, baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore
It drives me crazy when I try to
So come on and take my hand
Can you make my wish, baby, your command? Yeah
I wanna be with you, there's nothing more to say
There's nothing else I want more than to feel this way
I wanna be with you, oh, yeah, I wanna be with you
Wanna be with you, yeah
I wanna be, I wanna be with you, yeah, yeah
I wanna be, I wanna be, baby
I wanna be, I wanna be with you, yeah
Wanna be with you
5.14.2010
This moment is all there is
Will there be tomorrow
Tell me how can you be sure
There ain't always next season
There ain't always an open door
Life is dear, don't you waste it
The future no one can see
So step aside and let it be
Tomorrow may wash away
Don't put off what you do today
Take advantage while you are here
'Cause this moment is all there is
Do you smell the flowers
While they are still here in bloom
Does there have to be a reason
If you don't think we'll be gone real soon
Life is here can you taste it
The future no one can see
So step aside and let it be
Tomorrow may wash away
Don't put off what you do today
Take advantage while you are here
'Cause this moment is all there is
Don't live in fear and weakness
Don't live and hide it all, does your
Your ability to taste the sweetness, sweetness
And that is what we are here for
Life is real, don't you fake it
Oh the future no one can see
So step aside and let it be
Tomorrow may wash away
Don't put off what you do today
Take advantage while you are here
'Cause this moment is all there is, there is
This moment
The future no one can see
So step aside and just let it be
Don't wait for tomorrow
5.02.2010
It's time
It’s time to grow up
it’s time to be me
it’s time to show the world who I am
today I realized that I don’t want to live this make believe land anymore
it’s fun writing and using my mind to create things
but I want to create my own life too
I want to be who I’m meant to be
I’m 26 and a half years old
and it’s time
it’s time
it’s time
I can’t be a child forever
even though for the last 9 years
I wasn’t able to move on
I can’t keep using that as an excuse
I have to move past it
I have to look to the future
I have to live by the saying that I hold dear to my heart
“Live each day as if it was your last”
I can’t live my life for anyone else
if I piss people off
SO BE IT
if “C” feels left behind
that’s HER problem
she has to find her own passion also
which is NOT my passion
she said she wants to be a ‘stay at home mom’
I don’t
how is she supposed to find the other half
to make babies if she won’t get out?
I can’t think about her too much
or I get too upset and pissed off
she’s almost 30.….
and can’t get her life started
life is passing us by each day
and I’m tired of standing still
I have to move
I have to breathe
I have to feel life
I have to grow up
I can’t feel bad
I can’t feel like I’m leaving her behind
because if she wants to stand still
and let life pass her by
SO BE IT
nine years…frozen in time
but now
it’s time
it’s time
it’s time
Come with me, and you'll be
In a world of pure imagination
Take a look and you'll see
Into your imagination
We'll begin, with a spin
Traveling in a world of my creation
What we'll see will defy explanation
And if you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Want to change the world?
There's nothing to it
There is no life I know
To compare with pure imagination
Living there, you'll be free
If you truly wish to be
And if you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Want to change the world?
There's nothing to it
There is no life I know
To compare with pure imagination
Living there, you'll be free
If you truly wish to be
it’s time to be me
it’s time to show the world who I am
today I realized that I don’t want to live this make believe land anymore
it’s fun writing and using my mind to create things
but I want to create my own life too
I want to be who I’m meant to be
I’m 26 and a half years old
and it’s time
it’s time
it’s time
I can’t be a child forever
even though for the last 9 years
I wasn’t able to move on
I can’t keep using that as an excuse
I have to move past it
I have to look to the future
I have to live by the saying that I hold dear to my heart
“Live each day as if it was your last”
I can’t live my life for anyone else
if I piss people off
SO BE IT
if “C” feels left behind
that’s HER problem
she has to find her own passion also
which is NOT my passion
she said she wants to be a ‘stay at home mom’
I don’t
how is she supposed to find the other half
to make babies if she won’t get out?
I can’t think about her too much
or I get too upset and pissed off
she’s almost 30.….
and can’t get her life started
life is passing us by each day
and I’m tired of standing still
I have to move
I have to breathe
I have to feel life
I have to grow up
I can’t feel bad
I can’t feel like I’m leaving her behind
because if she wants to stand still
and let life pass her by
SO BE IT
nine years…frozen in time
but now
it’s time
it’s time
it’s time
Come with me, and you'll be
In a world of pure imagination
Take a look and you'll see
Into your imagination
We'll begin, with a spin
Traveling in a world of my creation
What we'll see will defy explanation
And if you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Want to change the world?
There's nothing to it
There is no life I know
To compare with pure imagination
Living there, you'll be free
If you truly wish to be
And if you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Want to change the world?
There's nothing to it
There is no life I know
To compare with pure imagination
Living there, you'll be free
If you truly wish to be
4.18.2010
time is running out?
I have this continuing need to run to him
to wrap my arms around him
look him in the eyes
and tell him he is beautiful
the only problem is
I don’t know how I’m supposed to get this to happen
with my life it makes it difficult to do my own thing
I wouldn’t know how to explain it
unless I just tell the truth?
but no one would understand
“C” definitely wouldn’t understand
she would give me that ‘look’ and give me hell
mom and dad probably wouldn’t let me go
even though I’m 26 years old!
I have never gone anywhere EVER on my own
so this would be completely out of my character to do
even though I have dreams that I have never shared with my family
dreams that for some reason, I feel like I can’t share
this is something that I NEED to do sooner than later
because I don’t know if he will be around much longer
I’m afraid that if I don’t do this now, it will be too late
I would regret that forever
I don’t think I would ever get over it
I’m not sure what I want out of it
well I know what my womanhood would want
but I’m not even sure if anything would happen
I don’t even know if I want anything to happen
I just know I have to see him
and he wants to see me as well
I have to see this man who I have talked to, only through emails with
for a year
I just need to hug him
I just have to figure out a way to make this happen
I don’t have my own car
so I can’t just pick up and go in the middle of the night
I feel trapped
I don’t know of anybody who would take me to Bloomington, IN
I feel like time is running out
and I don’t want to go the rest of my life
without knowing how his arms feel around me
I need to feel you
touch you
taste you
heal you
lay with you
pray with you
talk to you
hold you
kiss you
4.08.2010
Dear Lacy
(I saw someone else do this and I thought it was beautiful and really makes you see who’s on your side….YOU. It’s beautiful to say these things to yourself and hear the way you really feel about yourself. I suggest that everyone does this. It’s eye opening. I said things that I didn’t even realize I felt. I will definitely be doing this again!)
Dear Lacy,
Even though you have lost out on a huge part of your life, it doesn’t mean you can’t start today and create a new beginning. Each day is a gift, that’s why they call it the present. So grab ahold of it and enjoy every second. The past 9 years wasn’t for nothing, it taught you to have compassion beyond your control, and taught you how to care for someone else. It taught you that you CAN clean up puke, even though you thought you couldn’t. It taught you to wipe a grown adults butt, even when you felt embarrassed, because after a while, the embarrassment went away and it was just part of your everyday life. The strength you possessed during those 9 years is something that nothing else in the word could have given you or taught you.
I am so proud of you for seeing it through, even though you wanted to give up a few times. I remember the nights that you would cry yourself to sleep, or the times that you would have just awful feedings and feel like you wanted to pull your hair out….but you found a beautiful inner strength that allowed you to dust yourself off and continue with that journey with a beautiful spirit.
But now it’s time to look forward and focus on your future and what makes YOU happy. Don’t be held back by “C” and don’t think you CAN’T when clearly you CAN. DON’T let her keep you in the rut that you so desperately want out of. DON’T lose out on your life just because she’s got issues with change/growth/meeting new people/leaving the house….the list goes on and on and on and on. If you get the opportunity to meet people or get asked out by a new friend or even Katie, to go to the movies, dinner etc. then by God GO! Don’t be controlled by “C” you deserve to have a life. You are 26 years old and it’s time you start your life.
The strength you got from helping with Nanny is the strength you are going to use throughout your life. In those times that you get scared or are afraid of failure, remember the day that you held Nanny in the car when she was having those seizures while mom was driving to the hospital. That gave you such a strength that even you don’t realize it gave you.
And when all else fails, just BREATHE! You will be ok. You just need to find your passion and what makes you happy. And you need to get out more and meet people. You have been cooped up for long enough, and now it’s time my little cocoon, to spread those colorful wings and fly like the beautiful butterfly I know you are. I have faith in you to chase your dreams and to make a difference in this world. When you put your mind to something it’s amazing at what kind of things can happen.
In closing, I want you to know that you are beautiful. Even though I know you hate your crooked nose, your chin, your breasts that are different sizes, your acne that doesn’t go away because of your PCOS and your eyebrows. But none of that matters because YOU are beautiful. You have a heart of gold that would truly do anything for anyone...including giving Natalie’s family $500.00 for Christmas two years in a row.
Always know I love you and I only want to best for you, and I’m right beside you cheering you on!
Sincerely,
-Lacy
4.07.2010
breathe
(Written 3.12.10)
new beginnings happen
when we least expect them
it can happen on any given day
Nanny passed away on a Monday
which started a new beginning for us all
today is Friday, and a new beginning is upon us again
just when things felt like they were spiraling out of control
God steps in and gives me hope
today was a great day
I feel like I can breathe so much easier
life is good
I was so close to running
but now it looks like I may get my life started
I may get my wish and be able to get on with MY life
I’m ready
I’m ready
I’m ready
new beginnings happen
when we least expect them
it can happen on any given day
Nanny passed away on a Monday
which started a new beginning for us all
today is Friday, and a new beginning is upon us again
just when things felt like they were spiraling out of control
God steps in and gives me hope
today was a great day
I feel like I can breathe so much easier
life is good
I was so close to running
but now it looks like I may get my life started
I may get my wish and be able to get on with MY life
I’m ready
I’m ready
I’m ready
3.08.2010
leaving on a Greyhound?
looking for adventure
looking for experience
looking for life
looking for something more
looking to find myself
somewhere out there
i’m scared of what awaits me
I don’t know what the future holds
all I know is there has to be more
I have doubts
i’m scared my family will be mad
what if they don’t understand?
what if they think differently of me?
what if they think i’m weird
but, it’s MY life
it’s what I want
it’s about finding MY happiness
it’s not about pleasing others anymore
it’s about FINALLY pleasing myself
I was selfless for 9 years
now it’s time to be selfish
i’m ready
i’m ready
i’m ready
breathe in breathe out
faith or fear?
it’s the choice I have to make
but which one will I choose?
am I too scared to do it alone?
what if something bad happens?
what if I run out of money?
what if I get robbed?
what if I don’t go
and I regret it?
faith or fear?
seems like a simple choice
don’t you think?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
I just wanna be HAPPY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
looking for experience
looking for life
looking for something more
looking to find myself
somewhere out there
i’m scared of what awaits me
I don’t know what the future holds
all I know is there has to be more
I have doubts
i’m scared my family will be mad
what if they don’t understand?
what if they think differently of me?
what if they think i’m weird
but, it’s MY life
it’s what I want
it’s about finding MY happiness
it’s not about pleasing others anymore
it’s about FINALLY pleasing myself
I was selfless for 9 years
now it’s time to be selfish
i’m ready
i’m ready
i’m ready
breathe in breathe out
faith or fear?
it’s the choice I have to make
but which one will I choose?
am I too scared to do it alone?
what if something bad happens?
what if I run out of money?
what if I get robbed?
what if I don’t go
and I regret it?
faith or fear?
seems like a simple choice
don’t you think?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
I just wanna be HAPPY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1.28.2010
held back
nine years of being closed off from the world
and now it’s time to spread my wings
create my own life
find my true happiness
I thought it would be easy
to start my life
but it’s more of a struggle
then what I even know
I ask myself “why” all the time
why am I scared?
why am I holding back?
why am I purposely not finding my joy?
and I think it’s because of “C”
it pisses me off that she’s holding me back
I don’t know why I don’t want to
move on without her
it shouldn’t be my problem
yet I feel like it is
she has problems…that’s very clear
and because of her problems
I’m missing out on MY life
I don’t know how to fix it
I don’t know how to change
I don’t know how to be an individual
I don’t know how she can not care
Wanna scream out
No more hiding
Don’t be afraid of what’s inside
Gonna tell ya you’ll be alright
In the Aftermath
Anytime anybody pulls you down
Anytime anybody says you’re not allowed
Just remember you are not alone
In the Aftermath
Adam Lambert – Aftermath
and now it’s time to spread my wings
create my own life
find my true happiness
I thought it would be easy
to start my life
but it’s more of a struggle
then what I even know
I ask myself “why” all the time
why am I scared?
why am I holding back?
why am I purposely not finding my joy?
and I think it’s because of “C”
it pisses me off that she’s holding me back
I don’t know why I don’t want to
move on without her
it shouldn’t be my problem
yet I feel like it is
she has problems…that’s very clear
and because of her problems
I’m missing out on MY life
I don’t know how to fix it
I don’t know how to change
I don’t know how to be an individual
I don’t know how she can not care
Wanna scream out
No more hiding
Don’t be afraid of what’s inside
Gonna tell ya you’ll be alright
In the Aftermath
Anytime anybody pulls you down
Anytime anybody says you’re not allowed
Just remember you are not alone
In the Aftermath
Adam Lambert – Aftermath
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)