Six

Six people that I want to say things to.

1. You are a worthless human being and a lousy father. The day I screamed “fuck you” in your face (three times in a row) and gave you the finger was the best day ever. To say that to your face was a release of anger, frustration and hatred that I had built up for you. I’m glad you’re out of our life. I just feel bad that your kids and soon-to-be ex-wife still have to put up with your bullshit. I have forgiven you (because it’s the right thing to do) but I never want to see you or speak to you again. Good riddens to BAD rubbish!

2. There’s so much I want to say to you, yet don’t know where to even begin. I love you….but in the same breath you drive me crazy at times…..a lot of the times. I wish you would have the desire to do more with your life than what you are doing. I can’t stand how you put more value and thought into writing a fucking fiction story than you do getting your life started. Writing that story is not going to allow you to meet a potential mate/friends. Why can’t you have the desire to grow up!? Sometimes I just want to scream because I’m afraid you’re going to be the one to hold me back because I will feel guilt. But I have to let go of that guilt somehow and show you that I AM changing. I haven’t written in the fiction story in over a week because I’M CHANGING! I am growing. I am spreading my tightly wrapped wings. I want my own life away from you.

3. I wish I could say I don’t have any regrets from anything that has happened with you, but that would be a lie. I wish I knew what was the last thing you remember about me? Was it the time I sassed you because you were frustrating me with how you constantly were going through our bathroom drawers and moving things around? Or was it the time that I slammed my glass down on the kitchen table (splashing my drink all the way to the wall) because you wouldn’t eat and made mom get so mad that she screamed (which was also the first and only time I ever heard my dad say fuck) Or was it one of the countless meals I fed you? I love you and miss the Tuesday nights I used to spend with you.

4. Oh how I miss you. The day you died a part of each of us died along with you. I miss your infectious laugh, your flat top hair. I miss the way you used to “tweak” my nose every time before bed. I miss everything about you. I wish I would have told you more that I loved you. I wish I would have given you more hugs. I miss our Friday night card games.

5. I lay in bed nightly and think about you. I have dreams about you and I even have fantasies about you. You have me captivated and I stand in awe of you. I dream of your arms wrapping around me and holding me tight. I imagine your lips against mine. I imagine your body laying next to me. I dream about the day I get to look into your eyes and tell you all that you mean to me. When I think that I could be just 4 short months away from seeing you, like for real, I get butterflies and tingles deep down in my stomach.

6. It’s ok to be scared. It’s ok to have apprehensions about the future. But, you HAVE to find your own voice and make your own path. If you let anyone take your dreams away or make them seem unattainable then you only got yourself to blame for losing them. Don’t be held back by guilt because if you do then you will end up a 30 year old woman STILL at home! Do you want that? NO! So for the first time in your FUCKING life think about yourself and make our dreams come true. Who knows, maybe you will inspire someone else to get their own life as well?