if you really knew me

“If You Really Knew Me“ on MTV should be required viewing for ALL. In high school, there are the students who rule the school -- like jocks, cheerleaders, and the popular kids -- and the ones who get picked on -- like nerds, emos, and outcasts. That's just high school, right? But what if you could change that?

Like a reality version of The Breakfast Club, each episode of If You Really Knew Me takes place at a different high school, and follows five students from different cliques as they go through the life-changing experience of Challenge Day, a one-day program that breaks down the walls between cliques, and completely changes the way students view their school and each other. Watch the amazing transformation each week as new students open up for the first time and try to change by revealing who they really are, behind the cliques and the labels.

http://www.mtv.com/shows/if_you_really_knew_me/series.jhtml


If you really knew me you’d know that I am very quiet and shy when first meeting someone, but when I get comfortable I come out of my shell.

If you really knew me you’d know that even though I don’t regret the reason for why I stayed at home 10 years past the “normal” time you leave home, I still feel like I suffered horrendously when it comes to being sociable.

If you really knew me you’d know that I let on that I am proud that I was home schooled and didn’t have to go through the “pressure” that public school puts on you, but deep inside I wish I would have gone.

If you really knew me you’d know that I worry my sister won’t grow up before she’s 30, which is only 9 months away. I’m scared she will still be at home with no job and no future and no way to find a mate because she won’t get out of the house…which makes me not get out of the house because I don’t want to leave her behind.

If you really knew me you’d know that being your sisters best friend and ONLY friend is not a blessing, it’s a curse. For 26 years we have been each others only friend, besides the few years that we lived next door to our best friends then our parents had a falling out and after that we never got any other friends. We only played with each other. We only had each other to talk to. We were each others life. And now it’s almost impossible to break away without feeling guilt. It’s almost like a divorce, or a break up. It’s like I have been stuck in a marriage for 26 years and I don’t know how to be my own person. I have always followed her lead, she has been the only person I have had as an example….and she’s not who I want to be like.

If you really knew me you’d know that I have such deep sexual desires that run so deep, yet I fear I will never get to satisfy them.

If you really knew me you’d know that somewhere deep inside me I am a little relieved to have PCOS because that is a great reason to tell people that that’s the reason for me not wanting to give birth to my own children…when in reality I just don’t want kids. Or if I do decide I want a child eventually I will adopt. But as of this moment I have no desire to raise a child. It also gives me a different perspective and a better respect for women who do struggle with infertility.

If you really knew me you’d know that I have this HUGE fear of choking or someone else choking.

If you really knew me you’d know that I wish I had the guts to just leave home in the middle of the night, if not for any other reason but to get some real life experience under my belt and to not have such a squeaky clean past.

If you really knew me you’d know that sometimes I feel like a child in an adults body. I feel behind in a lot of ways. I feel like I lost out on a HUGE part of my life. I feel like I am doing what most 18 year olds do, only I’m 26. I’m in the process of getting my life started by becoming a Doula. I want to get my own car. My first car actually. I am a 26 year old virgin and I will be damned if I end up being a 30 year old virgin.

If you really knew me you’d know that I feel smothered by my family. I feel like I can’t breathe with them so close to me. I feel like every move I make they are watching. I know I’m lucky to have had such a good family, but sometimes I wish we weren’t so “perfect”.

If you really knew me you’d know that I still think about Ashley Clark. I will always feel bad that I didn’t say something when she told me what her dad was doing to her. Even though I was a child, I still feel guilt that I didn’t realize what she was saying was really bad. I have tried searching for her online but haven’t been able to find her. If I could find her I would have so much to say.

If you really knew me you’d know I’m afraid to die alone. I’m afraid to die a virgin. I’m afraid to die without accomplishing the things that I have on my bucket list.


If anyone reads this I suggest you write a “if you really knew me” blog because it really allows you to see deeper inside yourself and also lets people see a deeper part of you that you keep hidden.